How did this happen???

[keep_going]

RSGG

Reading your posts is like listening to myself speaking. I feel like we are in the same bad dream. I am also really struggling with controlling my feelings and detaching from my H. I, like you, intellectually understand everything that I need to do, but cannot put it in practice. All the actions and emotions you describe, I have felt and done. It's like I am seeing myself in a mirror, really.

And so my R with my H has also suffered for this. He actually left almost a year ago - we had just found out I was pregnant.
He said he was done and wanted a D. At the time, I didn't know about OW.
I started doing a similar program to DB and started to see positive results in our interactions and our R.

He even commented on how much I was changing. During those months, I started discovering lies one at a time about his dating and eventually the OW he is now with.

A couple of times he said he was thinking about coming back just to retract a few days later and deny ever saying anything. I thought I was losing my mind and actually making stuff up because I wanted him back so bad.

His R with OW started to intensify in June and that is when I started backsliding big time.

At the end of July, and just 2 weeks after our son was born , he told me he was in love with OW and would pursue that R openly.

My downward spiral continued and his insensitive behavior did as well.
He continued with lies and half truths (up until even yesterday), and I feel that those triggers are what have kept me from detaching.

When he is with me he is very nice and I feel like we are best friends again (he says he wants to be friends for the sake of the kids) and then he turns around and does something inconsiderate or flaunts his affair in my face (not on purpose, but he is definitely clueless).

Just two days ago, I found another major lie. We had agreed (or so I thought) that he would not expose our kids to OW. And I found out yesterday from my 4-year old daughter, that OW was with them the day before and even brought her a present.

Every time I find out something like this, it's like finding out about his betrayal all over again. Same horrible physical and emotional pain and like you, I lose it and cannot control myself when I am with him. Mostly, because he acts so clueless, like he is not doing anything wrong.

Anyways, I am telling you all of this because I sense that your situation is rather new. (I guess mine is as well, but not as new). And I want to warn you of the crazy things you may experience in this rollercoaster ride - lies, insensitivity, retracting from statements and promises made, etc.

All of those are going to continue triggering you and you want to get a hold of your emotions now and be stronger for when things happen.
I was making so much progress with him and everything came crumbling down with the discovery of how serious he was with OW. Now, when we are together, I argue, call him a liar, a cheater, etc, ask about OW, how could he do this, etc. and just get in this vicious circle.

Now, not only does he not recognize any changes I was making, he now says I have never tried to change or ever loved him because I have always treated him badly. That is ultimately all he can remember about our R when I lose control and he is now more intent than ever in filing for D so he can start a life with OW.

I, like you, feel desperate and know what needs to happen, and I am NOT going to give up, no matter how many times I backslide and how desperate my situation is now. So you hang in there and let's do this! We are smart women and we deserve better and to be better people!