W is angrier after my 180's - time + consistency

[2thepoint]

I wasn't going to post about my sitch today.... It's all Gunny's fault! :o)

Here it comes folks - long post straight ahead!

Sunday started off as bad as might be expected considering the circumstances. The tension was so THICK that you could have sliced it into 2" thick steaks and BBQ'd it on the grill. Part of it was of my own doing due to my dread of telling the boys and of course my W's demeanor was much like my own.

W was very erratic yesterday. She almost rear-ended a car in front of us and almost ran a red light (didn't even notice it was red). Clearly her mind was on other things, and she even said as much which I validated by saying "yes it is!"

After attending S9's soccer game we came home and I went into the MB to continue packing and making the bed when W knocked on the door. The plan I suppose was to work through the logistics of telling the boys about our split but instead we ended up talking for nearly 3 hours!!! As I reflect back, we never, ever have talks like that. Hmmmmm.

Anyway, we covered a variety of subjects during that 3 hours, all related to us, our kids, our feelings, regrets, hopes, etc.

In the most loving way I could possibly muster I told my wife that I knew for certain she was having an A and that I could not and would not share her heart with OM. I told her in no uncertain terms that I accept where she is at this time and that I can't do anything about it. I told her that I will not pursue or pressure her for a R. That if we ever get to that, that it will be up to her and that I will not wait forever. (Busto - your words were ringing in my head).

Of course W tried to deny but I made it known without being unnecessarily specific that I knew beyond doubt and she didn't try to deny further (didn't admit either). She did ask since I was sure she had an A why would I want to be with her.

I told her that my love for her is much deeper that she could possibly imagine and that forgiveness is what allows me to move forward. That forgiveness is the path out of hell (voice of 25 coming through loud and clear!) both physically, emotionally and spiritually. I told her that she must also be able to forgive; me and herself if she hopes to find peace in her life..... from this day forward!

Conversation was leisurely and we covered a lot of territory, including some revelations about some hurtful things that occurred between her and her father when she was in HS that really play into some of her depression related problems she experiences today.

I told her one of my biggest regrets was that I didn't accompany her to see her father when he had had a heart attack right after we were married. She reminded me that although that hurt, what hurt more was that she had to take a cab home from the airport when she returned.

This led into a whole host of other past transgressions, all of which I have vague recollections of but clearly hurt her in ways
I hadn't realized. My memory will never be as good as her's or any woman for that matter, but I'm certain that in my mind there were logical reasons for decisions I made or behaving the way I did. This is where my growth will come into play for the future.

And this..... W tells me that since we moved from X city 13 years ago I haven't been happy. This may be true. She has said this before. Bus this time I asked her if she has been happy since we moved from X city and she says no.

DING, DING, DING - we have a winner! Now I wonder if my unhappiness for 13 friggin years may have anything to do with my W's unhappiness for the same amount of time! She did't want to move. We moved anyway. She has been unhappy and has let me know in ways that are obvious and subtle. So another new area for growth!

As we continue to talk I tell her that I had read the 5LL's and that I was certain I know what her LL is. She asked me what, I said Acts of Service. She said yes that is true and went on to remind me of a card I once gave her after I had lost my job and was out of work for 9 months.

In that card I had thanked her for sticking by me and for her words of encouragement and support, and I told her how much she meant to me. I also included a gift certificate for a massage.

She said that the card and my note meant more to her than the gift that was included. She doesn't need gifts. It was the affirmation and acknowledgement that melted her heart.

You'd think that after 18 years I would have figured that out by now! God I am such a slow learner.

Anyway she wanted to know what I thought was my LL and I told her Physical Touch. And I said that I wasn't talking about sex. That an affirming squeeze of the knee, a warm embrace, an unexpected kiss on the cheek, holding my hand, etc. would melt my heart in ways she could not even imagine. Unfortunately these are not areas that my W is strong in. So we both have work to do!

So since we were being open with each other (and I hear Sandi's voice saying.... Don't you get it? She's not being open about her A with the OM!!) we continue to share and I tell her of something of which I have never told anyone about an event in my childhood, (not going to go in detail here) and she says, it all makes perfect sense now!

So, now she has some context that perhaps she didn't have before. Will it hurt or harm? Who knows? All I know is I'm glad I told her and I think the setting and flow of conversation made it appropriate to share.

My W says that we both need time to heal. She needs space, space, space (hmmm, where have I heard that before?). I told her my Telephone Coach (DB coach) said that perhaps the most unselfish thing I could do was move out per her request and give her the space she so desires. W nodded in agreement.

We also talked about spiritual matters. I went to church again on Sunday and the sermon was on being joyful in the face of pain and suffering. W was intrigued by this. Really quite interested. We talked about the church's contemporary service vs. the traditional one and she said she preferred the traditional service. I think I do too.

So anyway, we plan to tell the boys on Tuesday due to schedules and such. But I feel surprisingly better about things now than I did Sunday morning. I feel like W and I connected in a meaningful way and there is some understanding on both of our parts that was not there before.

Now, I had an IC session today and I shared this story and my C reminded me that in all of this there was the 800lb gorilla (OM) staring my W in the face and that she instead chose to focus on all the little chip monks in the corner. He says she was deflecting, and he is probably right. Says that she has made conscience decisions while many of my behaviors are more of who I am, so don't beat my self up so much and shoulder all the blame.

All good advice!

To sum things up. What my W and I talked about probably wasn't the best thing I could have done from a DB perspective but I do feel more at ease about things. I have new information that I didn't have before and so does my W. All of which will play an important role in our healing and maybe a R down the road.

So forward we march into the great unknown.....