What do I do next?

[Accuray]

Luv,

You are not alone -- I see this play out over and over, including for me. Here's the general script:

1) WAS tells you they are dissatisfied with the marriage.

2) You earnestly try to understand why and work on the marriage, you read DB, maybe do counseling, etc., but nothing seems to work. You get no emotional engagement from your spouse. You wonder how someone you've loved for so long could suddenly become so "wooden" and show no appreciation for your efforts. They seem to have gone from engaged with you to gone overnight emotionally and you can't connect the dots.

3) You bang your head against the wall for some period of time trying to make things better but increasingly getting frustrated.

4) You discover OM or OW -- suddenly many things begin to make sense, pieces fall into place. You feel:
-- stupid, for having not figured it out sooner
-- betrayed
-- alone
-- lonely
-- desperate
-- anxious
-- hurt in the worst way

There are many people on this board in this exact situation, you are not alone, it happens every day to millions of people -- no one sees it coming, how could you?

My W also became "friends" with OM at work. At one point she went to dinner with him alone and told me she was going. I told her I wasn't comfortable with that and wanted to discuss. She explained it all away that he was married, they were just co-workers, needed to discuss something about work outside of the office, etc. Bottom line, I TRUSTED HER, and she deceived me.

You are not wrong for trusting your wife, that's part of what marriage is supposed to be about! Don't feel badly that you didn't figure it out sooner!

I read that in many cases, people crave security and stability in their lives. As a result, leaving the marriage is a major trauma, WAS have to build up to it for months. It often takes the catalyst of a crisis (such as an affair) to get them to pull the trigger. That means that it's not the OM that caused her to leave, the OM was the crisis that allowed her to pull the trigger. The OM is not the issue, the marital problems leading up to the OM are the issue. That's why focusing on OM is a red herring, it's a symptom, not the cause.

Unfortunately, we come into this stage of our lives with expectations, just as we do coming into marriage. Usually we don't bother to question our expectations and regard them as "normal". The expectations that many of us have about affairs are from works of fiction -- books and movies. In these stories, the WAS feels terrible guilt, comes crawling back on hands and knees with tears in their eyes pleading "can you ever forgive me".

Often, in the case of infidelity, this is what we feel we are owed. In real life, this doesn't happen. A spouse who was so committed to the marriage that they would have this reaction wouldn't stray in the first place! Usually, by the time the spouse is with OM or OW, they are already checked out, have justified their decisions in their minds, and seek to "stick to their guns" and live with the decisions they've made.

So what comes next? Here's where the script diverges. I've seen the following play out:

A) Resignation: LBS decides they are done. We all have a line, and need to be true to ourselves. WAS made a decision, now we get to make ours. LBS comes to peace with their decision to leave the marriage.

B) Confrontation: LBS confronts WAS and offers ultimatum, OM/OW must be over. This virtually never works, it's what the movies portray, but it's not real life.

C) Acceptance: LBS has to "gut check" that they believe their marriage is more important than their pride. LBS determines that they still love WAS dearly and want them back, despite what's happened. LBS "paves the road back" for WAS. This means no shame, no guilt, no display of hurt, no expectation of apologies (for now). LBS tries to be fun to be around, a good parent, upbeat, etc. LBS "acts as if" if necessary.

The only way WAS comes back is in scenario C above, and even then there are no guarantees. The point, however, is you get to choose which of the paths above you're going to choose.

If you want WAS back, you have to go with acceptance, and that means you have to put your anger and resentment in the back seat when WAS is around.

Your WAW views you as a source of pain right now. If she thinks her actions have hurt you, she doesn't want to see the look on your face, who would? Remember in High School when you broke up with someone you would do whatever you could to avoid seeing them? No matter how glad you were to be free of them, seeing them hurt made you feel ashamed, and you would do whatever you could to avoid that feeling.

What if you ran into that person you broke up with and instead of seeing them with the weight of the world on their shoulders, they held their head high, smiled at you, and engaged in a conversation about something topical with no undercurrent of hurt or resentment? Would you still avoid them? What if you saw them at a party laughing and having fun? Would you feel the need to avoid them?

That's what you need to do if you want your wife back -- you need to pave the road. You do that by avoiding topics that are going to make W feel guilty. You do that by avoiding body language that is going to make W feel guilty. You do that by being fun to be around, and by being the best parent you can be.

It's extremely difficult, you have a very hard road in front of you, you need to decide if that's what you want -- it's up to you.

--Accuray