I’m going to try this in 4 ways 1 – Whats been happening (in lots of chunks as there is a lot!!!! 2 – Where I am (for those who don’t know me) 3 – GAL stuff 4 - Background
Info from my sig line Me – 37, opps 38 now LOL W - 38 D - 14 S - 12 Together - 16 Married - 12 Bomb - April 13, 2011 W moved out - May 13, 2011
Me - 37 W - 38 D - 14 S - 12 Together - 16 Married - 12 Bomb - April 13, 2011 W moved out - May 13, 2011
The man I became is changing back to the man I was........... and more
Right, I will start right after my last post on the newcomers board, as I have realised W is MLC big time!
October 4 – My birthday (not the best bit of db, but I was annoyed on my birthday!!!)
Actually, a little bit of background first
26 August I received a few emails from W, including this statement "all I want is the kids 50% of the time and the financial situation to be sorted"
W’s first solicitor’s letter, received on Friday 26th August, stated I was not to speak to her directly, to only go through them. It also said that W wanted things to go as quickly as possible. From that point on W had requested on 6 occasions in text messages, 4 times in email and on numerous occasions verbally, that she wished to meet in person to discuss, which I had refused. I had also stated to her " at this time I have no inclination of speaking to you or seeing you", and this IMHO is waht the next few pages are about, as one of her last text was, well u wont speak to me! (What she expect after everything, OM, lies, games and more so the kids)
So I commenced gathering the financial information so we could fully understand our financial position. I agreed to meet on 7th September, we discussed thoroughly the financial aspects and I put a proposal to W, which she accepted in 2 subsequent emails on 8th September, then again in 2 emails on 9th September, one of which she stated "I will inform my solicitors of what we have agreed".
On October 4, I received a solicitors letter from W which contained “its appears to us that you client does seem to be rushing matters and getting our client to reach an agreement regarding all issues. Can we please ask you therefore to ask your client not to place our client under such pressure as this is causing great anxiety.
The letter also stated that W didn’t agree to the financial proposal and wants full disclosure, even though she agreed it!!!! WTF
These are the text from October 4 (Sorry, I am detailing these as I will refer to them later, when things get really crazy)
These were the first coms in a week, after the CSA text and discussion previously mentioned.
W – (at 7.19am!) Happy birthday, hope you have a good one ;-)
M – (3hrs later) thanks for the solicitors letter on my birthday, nice touch, and u said u didn’t want to go through them!!!!!
W – U were looking for a letter, but still don’t want to go through solicitors, pls don’t start on me today my mum has been in a car accident
M – U said in your letter I’m rushing things WTH. I feel u have backed me into a corner I didn’t want to go in
M – Hope ur mum is OK, please pass on my best wishes
M – I said last wed, how much lower could u go, well there is my answer, on my birthday
W – Just had a call from the CSA and u will get a letter stating the case is closed, the only people this situation is gonna make happy is the solicitors!!!! Can we not sort this out ourselves
W – Not my fault blam RM
M – Ohh dear, more lies. I have just got off the phone to CSA and they said u only called today, but I have given them the full picture. When you can show me that you can be loyal, truthful and trustworthy, like friends should be, then I will consider being your friend. (this was after the last time I met W when she said she wanted to be friends)
W – They called after I wrote to them!!!! And thank you for that I will let you know ur sending her best wishes
M – You said in 6, yes SIX text messages on Wednesday (have a look) that u had spoken to the CSA and cancelled the claim, now u are saying u wrote to them…….there u go…….
M – Yes, please pass on my concerns to your mum, and that I’m thinking about her
M – Sort what out ourselves? As I have said before, the finances are sorted (unless u are going back on ur word again!)kids scheduling sorted, and u are now filing the Div petition. Again, I and the kids will be happy to go to mediation, NOT A PROBLEM And why are u saying I am rushing things, I told u right at the beginning this was not what I wanted, but I wouldn’t stand in your way. I love u enough to let u go. (This is only the 2nd time in 6 months I have said the L word, and both times it was in this context, in didn’t text that, I was just pointing it out to you BITS)
M – Hows ur Mum
W – At the hospital now will let u know what happens
M – Please, as soon as u know anything let me know. If u want to talk about it, u know where I am
W – Thank u
M – Goes without saying W. This may be a low day but ur mum is what matters right now. Take care of in-laws, and you
W – Hi mum is back home. Ive told mum u were thinking of her and she said thanks
M – That’s good to hear
W – So are we going to sort this out together
M – What do u want to sort out
Me - 37 W - 38 D - 14 S - 12 Together - 16 Married - 12 Bomb - April 13, 2011 W moved out - May 13, 2011
The man I became is changing back to the man I was........... and more
(and this ISNT the craziest bit, that comes a few weeks later!, which is why I am detailing this as I am, as I will need to refer to it!!!!)
Still no reply from my last text, so I text W with “????” at 9.15am
After the constant chasing, badgering and request to meet/talk and sort this out ourselves I finally said “what do you want to sort out” instead of the usual NO.
So still no reply by 5pm, so I sent W and email stating that she is playing games basically, nothing confrontational in it, just facts, times, her requests and my responses.
15min later I get a call from W, and I was just getting my tyres changed so decided not to take it.
Got home half hour later, as I walked in the back door, W let herself in the front. The opening exchange was
M – Ohh, hello
W – hi
M – Just come on in
Then W launched at me verbally, shouting so loudly the whole street would have heard. Luckily D14 was out, but S12 was upstairs and heard it all. During W’s 10min rant, I was calm, did not raise my voice, swear or called her any names.
The screaming was about me applying for D14’s child benefit Some of it was like:
W – You f**king W***er, u taking D14’s child benefit, I wont be able to afford my rent
M – Child benefit is for the kids, not rent, I have spoken to the cb agency and they have said by law you have to inform them your circumstances have changed. You have to have the kids 56 days out of 112 to have the cb, you do not meet this by a long way
W – You f**king C***, I cannot afford my rent, so I will be moving back home on Nov 12, its my house, I’m on the mortgage
M – No you wont, sorry, that is not in the interest of the kids
W – What you would go to court and get an injunction against me
M – If that is what is needed to project me and my children, then that is what I will do. I don’t want to do that
W – You F***, well you get the drift, this name calling and shouting went on a while
Subject turned to W’s OM, cannot remember how it went but a bit was
W – I started seeing OM after we split up, so its not adultery
M Astounded by that comment - Are you still married?
W – Yes
M – Well its adultery then, its immoral, unethical and not right
W walks out the front door, slamming the door so hard against the wall she nearly broke my limited edition 3D Star Wars famed pic !!!!
Then walks back in, screams some more abuse at me, then leaves again in the same manner.
10min later I text W, saying, sorry I had a missed call from u, was that all about D14’s child benefit. WELL, text came in thick and fast for the next 4hrs, must have been over 100!!!!
Some snippets of this are coming next!
Me - 37 W - 38 D - 14 S - 12 Together - 16 Married - 12 Bomb - April 13, 2011 W moved out - May 13, 2011
The man I became is changing back to the man I was........... and more
Ohh, this is the actual ending to the email which I sent to W before she walked in the house
"So, as you stated in your solicitors letter (dated 30th September) I seem to be rushing matters, and as you have requested again you do not wish to do through solicitors, I will place my solicitor on hold (for now), so it's over to you for the time being, I will do nothing now, the ball and timeline are in your court. Please let me know how you wish to proceed from here"
Me - 37 W - 38 D - 14 S - 12 Together - 16 Married - 12 Bomb - April 13, 2011 W moved out - May 13, 2011
The man I became is changing back to the man I was........... and more
This was W day to pick the kids up for her 4 nights, This is the first time really that I bit, I know I shouldn’t have, I had been doing quite well with db principles, but something had to give.
W (this was her 2nd text) – I f**king hate u!!!!!!! My kids don’t want to b with me anymore, u win xxxx take everything cause im not gonna be around much for much longer
M – W!!!!!!
M – I win nothing, its not a competition. I would rather be happy than right, any day of the week. Please don’t talk like u r, please
M – The kids love u, and so do others, Please W, don’t talk like u r
W – Im going to be homeless how can I see the kids if I haven’t got a home? Its best I just go as I am nothing without my kids NOTHING
Some more
M – The kids want to c u, and again I ENCORAGEED THEM AGAIN LAST NIGHT. I tell them u love them and they need to c u, and THEY WANT TO
W - Not as much as they want to be with u
M – WTF, this isn’t a completion, its not who is better than who. The damage caused to kids by div is unreal. Yes I have changed, but this isn’t about me, NEVER WAS AND NEVER WILL BE
W – I want them 50/50 but they don’t as a mother how does that make me feel
M – Im sorry u feel that way, and I empathise completely More….
W – If I don’t get 50/50 there is no reason to carry on
Later….after many more of W having a go
M – Me doing the donkey work again, please leave me alone now
PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE NOW. I HAVE BEEN STRONGER THAN I THOUGH I COULD BE, LEARNT A LOT ABOUT WHO I AM. BUT I NEED, YES NEED FOR U TO LEAVE ME ALONE NOW
W – No not until I have the kids
W – I left u not the kids
M – I know u keep throwing that bitterness in my face. Life will teach us consequences, so keep telling yourself what you have done, leaving me…….and you should have a clear conscience to leave me alone now. PLEASE, THAT’S IT LEAVE ME BE
W – F**K u
Later……..
M - This is not a comp for the kids, they are not pawns
W – I know there not pawns, I want equal rights to my kids ur turning them against me
M – I don’t need to do that as u are doing a fab job on ur own
W – Really, u never brought he kids up I did, I should have left years ago
W – Congratulation xxxx I have just been told that the kids want to spend more time with you than me, well as of 12 Nov im homeless that’s when I will be gone for good.
There were a few more up to 10pm
Me - 37 W - 38 D - 14 S - 12 Together - 16 Married - 12 Bomb - April 13, 2011 W moved out - May 13, 2011
The man I became is changing back to the man I was........... and more
The next morning I woke to more (actually the first one I read W sent at 00:35!) The the last few text were:
M – Please, take the settlement and leave me alone now
W – F**k off will I sign anything now
M – Nice mature response, what do you want to leave me alone
W – My kids
M – That’s nothing to do with me, sorry Y can u not see this still!!!! Take the settlement and leave me alone
W – No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
M – Please, leave me be, leave me alone now please
W – U wish
2hrs later I responded with
W, you are a strong intelligent woman, even without D14 cb I am sure u will be able to sort things out. Please now leave me alone
W reply – U will be receiving a letter from my solicitor I will not be contacting u again that is my final decision, one last thing I wish I had never set eyes on u, ur a very cruel man. Pls don’t speak to my side of the family again
So, I spoke to my solicitor and explained what happened last night, and he said he was concerned for S12 to hear what W was shouting and that we should write to her solicitor saying this is completely unacceptable, I will not tolerate this kind of behaviour and if it repeated we would file an injunction. Which is what he wrote.
Me - 37 W - 38 D - 14 S - 12 Together - 16 Married - 12 Bomb - April 13, 2011 W moved out - May 13, 2011
The man I became is changing back to the man I was........... and more
As per our verbal agreement about changing days I have been asked to go to the xxxx over the weekend of sat xxxx, I would drop kids off sat morning of the xxxx so I would swap for a day the following week pls let me know as need to inform work thanks
I didn’t respond, thought I would leave it a while, as I was shocked by her saying " as per our agreement" when she has gone back on EVERYTHING she verbally agreed, and agreed IN WRITING FFS
Then get a VERY lengthy email from W stating exactly what she wants in a settlement. Money, kids 50/50, ALL the Child benefit (even though she is committing benefit fraud by still claiming it when she is not entitled to it and I should be having it) That neither of us should file a CSA (child maintenance) claim plus some other bits. Ohh, and that she was sending a copy of this email to her solicitor.
I responded saying a didn’t agree to that, and detailed some areas.
W replied in detail, having a go as well.
I think this is where I hit MY rock bottom, and started to REALLY stand up for myself, but keeping with my beliefs and morals of what is right and wrong. I realised that W is not a nice person, and has been this way for the past 2 years, the selfishness, blaming, its all about me…..
I loved her (and still do) but I tolerated the intolerable for too long (like the shouting at me to f off after drinking and in front of friends, on more than one occasion) No more Mr Nice guy, yep, had some of that.
I do not want to be with W and the person she has become, why do I say this now, well this was why……….
In W’s email she pointed out that we were not M when the kids were born. Before 2003 if parents were not married at the time of birth the father DID NOT AUTOMATICALLY GET PARENTAL RESPONSIBILITY over their own child……… The law in England and Wales changed in 2003 to rectify this if the father is named on the birth certificate
W pointed me to the government website where it clearly states this, and was basically saying I have no say over the responsibility of my own children, and that as the children’s mother she automatically takes the parental responsibility, how F***** low is that………… Also stating this so SHE could get the child benefit and then be able to claim maintenance further down the road
To say I was pooping myself would be an understatement, so straight on the phone to my solicitor………..who told me that as we got married I AUTOMATICALLY GOT PARENTAL RESPONSIBILITY.
Now the response I draft up was long, and included this, and that W should stop relying on the internet for information, get seek proper advice. But decided not to send anything for at least 24hrs
Me - 37 W - 38 D - 14 S - 12 Together - 16 Married - 12 Bomb - April 13, 2011 W moved out - May 13, 2011
The man I became is changing back to the man I was........... and more
Sorry you find yourself here, GAL Man, but the people here will help you transform your own life if you work really hard and listen to the advice. Cadet will give you a ton of resources to read, which is a good place to start.
These are all dated October--which is SOOOO long ago already and it won't make much difference for anyone to read through and interpret anything about these exchanges now.
Can you sum up what your rel. with your W is now? More importantly, what are you doing to GAL, since that's what your screen name is and your thread is titled "Time to move forward"? We can help more if we know the current sitch, your boundaries with her (or lack of them), etc.
When you're dealing with a really contentious situation, the best you can do is detach from it as much as possible and just work on what's in your control, which is yourself.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
I didnt know how to structure this new thread, as I have neen over on newcomers for a while. I will write about my GAL in a bit and about me.
What I can say is (for starters LOL)
1) I have read ALL the MLC information in the resources thread 2) Read many posts, and spent the weekend reading Mila's threads, yep the whole 156 pages of the first one 3) I have read both db and dr 4) Other books, bits of women in MLC, where did my wife go, plus others LOL
The info I have posted here is from October onwards, as I was posting in newcomers, but need some time away, and no I am trying to pick things back up.
Everyone here is soooo helpfull, even with 2x4's LOL
Which is why I deceided to resume where I had stopped
There is just som much I want to get down, but cannot do it all in one go, I am exhausted just doing these first few bits tonight.
Maybe a little about ME next, and I did post something in newcomers which I feel is still spot on now, will dig that up
Last edited by Jack_Three_Beans; 11/21/1106:12 PM. Reason: some books conflict with DB.
Me - 37 W - 38 D - 14 S - 12 Together - 16 Married - 12 Bomb - April 13, 2011 W moved out - May 13, 2011
The man I became is changing back to the man I was........... and more
I was just looking back at my Reflections thread in newcomers, and If any of you fab people want to see where I am, and a bit more of the goings on, then please please have a look, and give me some comments
One of my previous posts
So about me, how am I?
Good question I ask myself.
1) I digested that W is now seeing OM, didn't hurt as much as I thought it might. I didn't have much time to actually think about this last week tbh with everything which was going on.
2) What's getting me though this not hurting as much?, I keep telling myself I can not control this one jot, these are her choices so nothing to do with me, look after my well-being
3) I understand that I will feel emotions of anger, hurt etc and to except them when they come along, but not react to them
4) I am not reacting to anything (well a good 95% anyhow) I realise that there will be times when I "fall off" the tightrope, but just understand why these occasions happen and get back on.
5) Changes in me, the kids see it, and have commented that I am different and happier. Some is acting, but not nowhere near the amount post bomb, this is who I am
6) I have realised that the changes in me have stuck, and I love them, this is me, who I am (quite a few 180's as mentioned before)
7) I have really found out things about myself, esp the person I am inside, my morals and beliefs
8) I am proud of the way I have conducted myself in these last few months, and will remain on this new path
9) I still love my W, whilst my unconditional love has no boundaries, my friendship does, that is why W is not my friend atm
10) I don't care about W anymore, but I do care about my W, hope that makes sense LOL
11) I have not looked this good for years, love it.
12) I am still married, and will not just jump into bed with someone else, I will have some fun and flirt etc when out on the town, but that's it.
13) I do not want another relationship just yet, more reflection and learning about myself required first. HOWEVER if something comes along (I am not trying to find someone) and things click, then we shall see
14) GAL, still good. Really enjoying my time with the kids, we have played board games for the last 5 nights LOL, been bowling, out for lunch, shopping, cooking and creating a happy environment for them.
15) "single" GAL still good also, this centres around seeing friends, family and going out.
16) I do feel happier, not brilliant, but getting there day by day
17) Not think about W ALL the time now, stop signs help!! The main thing I have noticed is when trying to get to sleep, as I am now thinking about other things again (about time too) but improvement STILL needed here! (obviously think all morning about things as I am posting a lot of info LOL)
Me - 37 W - 38 D - 14 S - 12 Together - 16 Married - 12 Bomb - April 13, 2011 W moved out - May 13, 2011
The man I became is changing back to the man I was........... and more
