What do I do next?

[Telemark]

I keep thinking that should have seen it coming--my W working with this guy all day, then coming home and talking to me about this guy and the conversations that they had--I should have seen it coming, but was too blind by my own love for my W. I thought that she was just disclosing facts so I wouldn't think anything was going on and maybe she was, but I don't know.

If someone had told you a year ago that your wife was going to have an affair and then throw your marriage on the trash heap, you would have had them committed. I don't think anybody sees it coming, because as I said, we LBS's are still invested in the marriage. Unless we get some direct feedback from our spouses, we assume everything is OK.

This is divorce #2 for both of us and the 2nd marriage my W has walked out on. I never in my wildest imagination thought she would want to endure that kind of pain again. 2 weeks prior to her dropping the bomb, she left Valentine's Day cards all over the house for me; handwritten inside were notes like "I'm yours forever", "I love being your wife", "You are my jewel", etc.

While she was writing these she was probably texting her undying love to the OM.

Do not beat yourself up for not seeing the unseeable. From what I've read here and on other boards, the WAS's go to some pretty elaborate extents to keep their EA's and PA's secret; it's all part of the magic and fun.

I would not confront her about the A; it will drive her deeper underground. But if you decide to confront her, I would not tell her you forgive her and want her back; that makes you appear weak and without any kind of boundaries.

Think about this: you want the A to end. You want your W to have no contact at all, ever again, with the OM. You want the OM to evaporate. Are you ready to express that to your W? If she thinks she can canoodle with the OM and use you for plan B she will continue to walk all over you.

I may catch it from other members here, but my opinion is to 1) not acknowledge the existence of the OM and continue to treat your W like any other acquaintance, or 2) if you really must confront her about the A, say:

"W, I am aware of your relationship with another man. I cannot force you to stop, but I can respect myself enough to not live in an open marriage. If you choose to continue your relationship with this person, you do so without me."

And be prepared to back up your words.

WAS's who have EA's or PA's have lost respect for their spouses. Your W will notice if you show her you have respect for yourself. I did not do that; I gave the "Oh yes I forgive you; just come back to me" speech and it just reinforced my W's poor opinion of me.