Time for an Introduction...and Thanks

[figure-it-out]

Hello...although it seems, to me at least, as if I know so many of you through your stories and wonderful words of support.

Brief introduction. I'm 43, my H is almost 42. We've been married for 18 years and together for almost 21. We have a D17 and S10.
As with sadly so many of you, my husband decided 8/18/10 that he wasn't "happy" anymore. When I pressed, he said he shouldn't have said anything and "just forget it". This lasted for a couple of days until I discovered some questionable messages on his work cell phone. I confronted him with what I had found and let him know I had sent messages back to whomever they were from letting her know I would be speaking to her boss. (I had no intention of doing that) Things kind of blew up from there and my husband decided he needed to go stay with his mother while he figured things out.

Telling our children he was leaving was the worst thing to date I've had to do. He attempted to back out as we had them sitting on the couch saying "just forget it, just forget it". I was the one who had to utter the words. My daughter completely broke down and my son was crying harder than I've ever heard him cry. All he wanted to know was if dad was ever coming back.
My husband assured him he was, he just needed to figure out how to "treat mom better".

So he left, and he hasn't come home. He's taken some of his clothes (the rest still hang where he left them), a stereo and that's it. He lives with his mother, stepfather, the mother of my oldest nephew's son, and the S4.

My husband has had PA in the past. We spent time in C after I discovered the last one 3 years ago and I thought we had made great progress. I will say immediately as I suspected the last one I recognized the role I had played in the decline in our marriage and set out to make things right. My husband had complained we were merely roomates and I worked on changing the way I related to him. According to him he recognized these changes and it confused him. He said he saw me trying and broke off the A with this woman. This goes along with the e-mail messages I later found.

It was not long after I found these boards and I can't tell you what a Godsend they have been to me mentally and emotionally. I knew I could come here and read about others situations and experiences and understood exactly what they were going through. My family and friends have been very supportive however I know from comments they've made they are wondering why I am not giving up on my marriage. I have read both DB and DR which have helped me in my interaction with my husband so much.

My husband filed for divorce in March although he waited until April to serve me. He feels he will do fine representing himself ( we really can't afford an attorney) while I have legal coverage through work and have retained an attorney. I did explain to her that this was something I did not want and would be responding to things as he acted. So far, he's not done much. I presented him with a support agreement at the end of May which he has not signed. He continues to put the majority of his paychecks into our joint account. I have not pushed the support agreement as it is significantly less than he currently gives us. He has opened a separate account which he thinks I don't know about. He took a loan from his 401K for about $4000 which he used part of the funds to file.
We have had one court date back on 9/20, however my husband decided that morning to ask for a continuance. We now have a court date on 3/1/12. I take these as good signs but he makes no indication of his mind changing in terms of the divorce. The push and pull so many of you speak of is almost unbearable at times. We still ML every couple of weeks and then I'll go days without talking to him. We will do something as a family (pumpkin patch) and the next weekend I will get a random text asking me what the next step is in our divorce. We have not even told our children a divorce is in the works. I am of the mind set that if he keeps waffling and going back and forth I don't want to expose them to that if it's not necessary.

I know this post is long as I have a whole year to account for so I'll get to what I've been doing as far as GAL.
I have been making changes to myself and working on recongizing the part I played in the decline of our marriage. I know for much of the time before we went to counseling I DID treat him as more of a roomate. I know I should have slowed down and paid more attention to him. I know I should have had more fun with him and the kids and worried less about getting my to do list crossed off.
When he comes over now I make sure I am always put together. I have lost 60 pounds this last year. I make a point to stop and just play with the kids. Act silly and do things spontaneously. I don't know if it's bringing him closer, but it's bringing my children and I closer.
I apologize again for the length of my post. Thank you again for helping me even when you didn't know you were! Thank you for listening and I look forward to your continued advice and support.

[figure-it-out]

Just journaling...
Pretty uneventful weekend. Saw H Fri. as my daughter had a Sr. night activity at her HS football game (she cheers). They announced all Sr. players and cheerleaders before the game. H and I got to meet D on the 40 yard line and escort her off.
Nice event but another reminder of how fast time is passing and how much of the day to day stuff H misses out on.
His choice I know, but events like this just make me think about it more.
I was glad he decided to stay for the entire game and watch D cheer. He hasn't been to a game yet this season and she was so excited to have him there.
Drove back to the house after the game as he had left his car there. He said his goodbyes to the kids and I asked if he would let me know when he got to his moms. It had been stormy all day and I hate knowing he's out driving in it. Her house is about an hour from us. Received a text later saying "I'm home" (hate that he calls there "home") but I just texted back "thanks, goodnight". Received a "goodnight" back.
No more communication from him. He had to work Sat. and Sun. so he did not pick up our S.
Lucky me as I generally do not have Saturday nights with the 2 of them. We got our house cleaning done and then went to the movies. Had a great time!
Worked the concession stand at the NFL game my daughter's all star cheer gym runs on Sunday. Always have fun doing that. I come across some very interesting fans and end up making some $$ to help pay for her cheer season.

[figure-it-out]

More journaling...
Received surprise text from H last night. Was letting me know a new video game was coming out at midnight last night. Wanted me to know he was working overnight so he would be able to purchase it for our S and be to our house by 6:00am to play with him. He evidently had told S at some point he could stay home from school and wanted to know if it was OK with me. Had to take a step back. It upset me that he had not talked to me about it first, if S had a test or field trip he would miss out but then I asked myself what difference would this make a month from now, 6 months from now, etc.
I simply texted back that he had already told S he could stay home and now D wanted to as well. Just make sure he called it in to the school.
He replied back "I will, thanks"

Received texts today from my daughter indicating that dad would be buying her an iPhone (today) for christmas if I paid for the data plan. She wanted to know if he had access to my account. I told her no as his cell phone is paid for through his employer and the personal phones she and I have are on my account. She then wanted to know if I gave them my information could they go to the Verizon store. I told her I doubted that and I was busy at work.
Received a call about an hour later from my daughter at the Verizon store wanting to know the last 4 of my social. I gave it to her and she's got a new iPhone.
Ugggg, I'm not sure how I should have handled that. Get my husband on the phone? No, not while they're at the store. He would only say I am trying to "control" him again and this is what she wants for Christmas.

I've just felt frustrated lately being the one to make sure homeworks done, college applications are getting filled out, my son is taking his ADHD medication, dogs are getting fed, etc. and when he feels like swooping in and being the hero he can. He doesn't yell at them or have to discipline them, he only sees S one day a week as it is.
I'm SO glad I have my C appt tonight. It's been about 3 weeks since I've seen her and I can really use her perspective.
I know in the end I'm in the driver's seat. I need to work on better boundaries. I was hoping to use the D process he started to specify what days he has the kids, specific times, etc. He's just dragging his feet in getting the paperwork filled out and then asking for the continuance. Then on the other hand I don't want to push him to that, I don't want the D and don't want to appear eager.

He sees the kids so little as it is, when he wants to do things for them I don't want to be the downer. I just want to be included. That's pretty much what this is about though right, not wanting me included anymore...

[figure-it-out]

Journaling...
Nice appointment with C last night. Went over frustrations with events earlier in the day. She felt it best that I hadn't said anything to H about kids staying home or the iPhone. Asked me if I had thought about any kind of timeline for this whole process. I had indicated early on (before I found this site and before I really examined what I really wanted and how I had contributed to the disintegration of my marriage)that I couldn't see myself lasting more than a year.
I told her no, there was no timeline. I will know when I am done. Maybe there will be an event that will lead me to that decision or maybe I will merely ease into it. I don't know, but I do know it's ultimately in my hands to decide when it's over whether I end up divorced or not.
Could use some input as to whether I handled this correctly or not though. When H told me he was coming over to play video games and our S would not be going to school I told him he needed to call in the absence. He said OK.
I received 2 calls (one from my D school and one from my S) later though saying they had been absent and needed a call or note excusing them. My son was upset when he heard the message said he was worried dad wouldn't call in. I told him I'm sure he would. I wasn't sure though. I ended up writing both my S and D a note excusing the absences. I received a text this morning from my H wanting the phone numbers to the school to call in. I told him that our S was worried last night about the call we received so I wrote a note for him to take in. My H replied "thank you, I'm sorry I didn't call. I was going to do it in the morning but then I forgot about it." I replied "no problem, I figured it just slipped your mind. I'm sure you were tired after working too."
I guess as I'm writing this I know I should have let him handle it. I know I could have just as easily received a text back from him saying he told me he would take care of it. More trying to control I guess. I need to work harder on letting things like this go.

[lostinscared]

Bump

Figure-it-out,

I'm so sorry that you find yourself here. This is a great community and there is so much great advice to be had here. I want to bump your thread because there are quite a few who have children here and who also have experience on how to navigate that issue (I am not one, though).

I am praying for you and your peace.

LIS

[MrBond]

"He sees the kids so little as it is, when he wants to do things for them I don't want to be the downer.

You can't help this. You need to stop accommodating him. I mean c'mon, taking your S out of school without telling you just to play a video game? That's just childish. You're the adult. Make the right decision.

"I just want to be included. That's pretty much what this is about though right, not wanting me included anymore..."

And that's why you give in to everything he asks. This is why GAL is so important. You need to stop being the rescuer and start being the responsible one. You need to be the one to pull the brakes and say that enough is enough. He made the decision to leave. Not you.

YOu're not the bad guy for saying 'no'. He's bribing your kids to lessen his guilt which is why he doesn't invite you. This is his way of saying "hey look what a cool dad I am." Well in the long run your kids will love and respect you for your stand more than anything money can buy.

Remember that and stand strong.

When you start denying your H to do what he wants, he will throw a temper tantrum like you wouldn't believe. He'll call you unfair and how you're trying to destroy his relationship with the kids. But don't you buy it. Not for one second.

He will become your third child. Do you really need that? You're better than that and deserve better. Like a child, once his temper tantrum subsides, he'll start respecting what you say again. That's where things will start to get better.

[Autumn Leaves]

Oh boy does that sound familiar to me. MrBond is giving you good advice, try to prepare yourself for the inevitable temper tantrum because it will happen if he doesn't get his way, hopefully less and less. I am dealing with this currently. It is very unfortunate and not at all what I expected to be dealing with at our ages/stage of life.

Just try to keep in mind that as you make your way to healthier boundaries, the tantrums should be less or they simply won't bother you any longer.

[figure-it-out]

Mr. B and Autumn,
Thank you so much for your words of wisdom and encouragement.

I think I needed to see in black and white (from complete outsiders no less) the truth of what's going on.

I'm sure it would come as no surprise to anyone here that I have heard many times over the years that I have 3 children, my D, S and H. I would be lying if I said part of me didn't justify H behavior as "H just being H" and me stepping into the rescuer mode made me feel "needed".
I felt I was doing him a favor by taking care of basically everything. Ironic as one of his complaints when he left was he has never been "on his own" and needs to do this "for him". Maybe if I hadn't been so accomodating and willing to make his life as easy as possible things would have been different. The thing that really gets me is today, 15 months later, he is only slightly more "on his own" than when he lived at home. He doesn't live on his own, or pay his own bills, the primary difference is he can come and go when he pleases and doesn't have to answer to anyone.
Enough about him, I can't understand why he did this/does this as the concept is totally foreign in my world.
You're right, I need to work much harder on GAL. I think I have put too much emphasis on GAL meaning get out and do things independently of him. I know that's part of it, but I need to GAL in my mind and heart. I need to get to a place where it's MY feelings first, and not subconsiously think "how would H feel if I did this". Right now, today, he doesn't care at all.
Ugggg, I realize I have so much further to go. One day at a time, one bump in the road at a time. I will learn from my mistakes and work on becoming more of "a woman only a fool would leave". I'm only sorry I waited so long to start participating on these boards.

[dbmod]

^

[figure-it-out]

Just journaling...
Had a pretty good weekend. Was off work Friday so the kids and I took a trip to the cemetery where H dad is buried. Its a national cemetery. A beautiful place really. S and D never got to meet H's dad. He passed away in 2004 but had moved to MO years before. He never came to visit us nor us him. H had a weird relationship with his dad. They spoke on the phone often but usually about the weather, sports, etc. Surface stuff...
Rainy and cold Sat. so we didn't do much of anything. S decided he wanted to go to his friend's sleepover party that had been postponed from Thurs. Had to send H a text letting him know.
He was OK with that as he had to work late. He then let me know he was thinking about looking for a new job in Jan.
I asked him if work had gotten that bad.
He is such a hard worker (to the point of neglecting his home life) and he rarely gets the credit for what he does. His boss takes much of that.
I texted him back saying I can imagine how frustrating that must be for him. That I know how hard he works and doesn't get the credit. I said it's a shame his company may have to lose him in order for his bosses lack of work to be exposed.
I didn't get a reply...
Curious to see how this is going to go. In the past when H had looked for a new job he and I would work on it together. Seeing what was available, filling out applications, etc.
Sunday just consisted of getting ready for the work/school week. D had cheer practice. She got her new uniform and was excited. First competition of the year coming up this Sat. Looking forward to that. Love how 13 years later her face still lights up when she hits the mat.