Another crisis.....but H opening up now

[angel61]

We will try to do the post session, but in that, I will let H lead. I am afraid to let him get emotionally overloaded and overwhelmed, such that he will again retreat into his shell (or the tunnel). Already, the weekend was too much even for me, and I still feel shaky even now. I am actually glad he is out of town for a week, so we can regroup, and I too can process what I have learned. I feel that the greatest thing I learned this weekend is to allow my heart to see and hear my H.

My H, who grew up in a very Catholic environment, and who always has had his prayers answered, his needs met, has finally met a situation that he cannot resolve. Either he makes himself happy and goes against his core values, or he stays within the straight and narrow path but condemn himself to a life of misery. Both options had an equally strong pull on him. He prayed to God to resolve it for him, but to naught. This led him to feeling that God has abandoned him, and for a while, he was angry with the Lord.

This all led to all sorts of justifications, as at first he was more inclined to leaving us, and pursing OW, but truly, a person values and beliefs are actually what would take over in times like this!

While writing this I had a sudden thought, I would say a message from God, so let me write it while I could, detour a bit from writing about my H and go back to myself.

I realize now that I have to be thankful. As a spouse, I am far from perfect. As they say in Retrouvaille, an A is not the cause of the destruction of an M but a symptom. And I may very well have been the reason for all this - my controlling ways, my dominance, my contentiousness. Etc.

When I first met my H, a voice in my head told me that this person was going to be important to me. I have always wondered why. Suddenly today I realized why. Because if it were some other person, who did not have the values my H has, that person might have walked away by now. Because my H is the one who will make me close to God and develop a personal relationship with Him again.

Ooops, got to go now. Have to get to my doctors appointment! Until later.