A fork in the road - EA admitted by wife

[25yearsmlc]

you have some murky legal issues so it's even more imperative you get a good legal opinion. There are "debatable" issues.

Of course, calling it alimony probably helps YOU...mostly. But like I said, this is one of those questions that are debatable enough among lawyers, that I'd want a seriously well resourced law firm to advise me.

As for your w saying she doesnt love you, remember the saying "Believe none of what they way and only half of what they do."? That applies.

I do NOT believe she doesn't love you. I almost don't even believe SHE believes it, but maybe she does. And so what? It does not make it true!

I believed some of the things I wrote in my journal back in 05-06...some of the things I wrote I "felt" at the time, but knew were debatable, and some things I said, I was "sure" about.

But MANY OF THOSE things have changed now!

So nothing is written in stone. Even the beliefs YOU have held before, surely some of them have evolved since then, right? Allow for that to happen with HER too.

Don't get bogged down reading her mind and heart AND assuming it's all permanent AND ALL negative.

IT's just not accurate or helpful.

I'm sorry your d is so disabled. Is it possible she'll ever live in a group home?

My friend has a son with CP and he cannot communicate or walk or have trunk control...he never will be able to do more than "say" a few words and that's best case scenario....but he "speaks" with machinery that is mostly accurate but VERY simple. Sometimes I'm not sure it's accurate but He pushes the command buttons of "yes/no/hungry/thirsty/need changing/holding/tv/tired"....and a few more.

He'll live with 24/7 care the rest of his life. And your d?

So sorry...but I'm actually glad your w is willing to be that 24/7 care person. IF that changes, you can modify things but let's not go there now...

For now, breathe. Take your time and figure out what you want.

As far as her "Lying" ....people having affairs LIE all the time. That's how they have affairs. So when you say it's not the cheating, it's the lying, it's a little strange. Was she supposed to tell you? Really?

I am NOT defending it but I mean, let's be realistic there...

I'm not saying you have to take her back OR THAT she's asking too...

but let's take one thing at a time.

You recently suspected an A but were willing to address that idea...and now that you seem to know, suddenly it's a deal breaker "B/C of the lying" about it...??? Really?

I think you're just super angry and calling it deceit, when you know that no one having an affair AND telling you about it would have improved things. In fact we all would have been shocked at her nerve for telling you....

We all know having an affair is a bad thing for a marriage. But as for lying about it, it's Kind of a lose lose for her.

If she had told you of it, she'd be blasted for cruelty or for being "so clueless" that she'd tell you about it.

If she does not tell you about it, then she's an adulterer AND a liar....but that's sort of an "of course"...

SO, NOW WHAT?

Get an appointment with a L with whom you feel comfortable and trusting with. Do NOT hire someone who intimidates YOU, Or who won't explain the ups and downs and pros and cons of each choice.

Make sure you tell him what your overrall goal is IF it remains to keep your family intact.

You ought to be able to "chat" openly and understand your options fully. On your end, you have to accept SOME ambiguity on his part in that he can only predict so much, and guarantee nothing, you know?

((SIDENOTE: Case in point, I had a trial and wanted to get evidence admitted. There was a CLEAR route for getting it admitted. Absolutely not a 'murky" area of the law...and then the judge said, "well Counselor, I don't FEEL like letting that in today, so I'm excluding it..."

(okay your honor, maybe tomorrow we can pretend we're in a Pakistani court?)

There is not a lot you can do with that, except hope the judge gets help really soon[i][/i].

You ought to be able to Ask why they choose to do it this way, etc.

In my case, being a L made it harder to choose in some ways. But I interviewed 3 L's. Though I live on the west coast, I'm from the east coast and turns out we knew some of the same peeps.
Even odder though, were the remarkable similarities in our situations for her growing up, and me raising kids in high school with the same event (MD dad's leaving their families for adventure up NORTH)

But once you hire the Ls and trust them, then trust them to do their jobs...and don't undermine it. If you decide, rationally, that you do NOT trust the L's competence or commmitment, then ditch him. YOU CAN FIRE A L you know...

Hope I'm not fogging things up more.

Good luck!