25yearsmlc -- Thank you so much for your post. It kind of puts things in perspective. I am not in any sort of formal recovery program. I have a counselor who I see about every 10-14 days depending on schedules. He is of course aware of the problems I am having and after speaking with him we decided to use kind of a custom program rather than me attending AA or entering a live in treatment facility. He has experience in the treatment of alcoholism.
As for the refusal to allow her to see the dogs, I guess deep down I have to admit that was an attempt at manipulating her. I tried to say I was doing it for myself because no contact with her was the only way to get over her. However, if I am honest, i must say that I hoped that would be a sort of shock to her and make her realize what she would be losing if we were no longer together. The next day, I spoke with my counselor and we decided that I had promised her I would always let her see them and I should not break that promise. Therefore, I sent her a text the next day saying that after thinking things over, anytime she wanted to see our dogs she should let me know and I would arrange for it to happen. She has not seen them or asked about them since that date with one exception. On Halloween, I sent her a "Happy Halloween" text and told her the dogs were doing good. She said that she wondered about them every day and had been missing them. I reiterated that she could see them any time she liked. I've tried not to tie seeing them to seeing me. Nonetheless, she has not asked to see them or asked about them since last week. I was sober when I did it, but I was angry with her. I was angry just because I guess I felt I was working so hard to get my life on track and I didn't feel like she cared about it.
I've spoken with my counselor regarding anger management and I generally try to take ten deep breaths, which helps to calm me down and to make me think about why I'm angry. That usually works. Also, I spend about 20 minutes a day "meditating" for lack of a better word. By meditating, I mean lying down in a dark or semi dark room and just relaxing with no tv, phone, or radio. That seems to bring about some more peaceful feelings as well.
You're definitely right about the history of broken promises and holding things over her head. When we got back together after she left the first time, I punished her for having had an affair. I stopped going to counseling and generally made her feel bad about what she had done. I refused to see how my actions had had an effect on her. I also made many promises to stop drinking and fell through on all of them. I think at some point, she'd had one to many broken promises and left and decided to move on.
I get what you are saying about not futurizing things so much. That's a big problem of mine I guess. I tend to look only to when we get back together (if we do) and not think much about what's going on now I guess. As for what I'm doing "today" to stay sober, I spend 90% of my nights with my parents at their home. They know about my addiction and have been glad to have me stay there. Now that the time has changed it will be a bit more difficult, but I also try to play with my dogs after work and get some exercise with them. I have found that my main temptation to drink comes in the late afternoon / early evening. Usually, if I can make it past 6:30 PM or so, the urge is gone for the most part. I try to fill that with positive activities.
As for working on me, I became a certified scuba diver, and took a hunter education course. I'm trying to get involved in some charity work such as habitat for humanity but I haven't done that yet.
I'm not sure how to demonstrate the "new me" though because we aren't really speaking right now.
She drinks some, but not to excess. There really isn't anyone else in either of our families that drinks much at all (that I am aware of).
I'm 33 and she is 28. I'm an attorney and she has a BS in Professional Biology but she currently works at a local community college. It was a first marriage for both of us. I think both sets of parents wish we'd just move on and not get back together. I know my parents feel this way, and I'm pretty sure hers do as well. My wife said she felt that, besides the alcoholism, that a big problem in our marriage was my selfishness. Also, I didn't work to have a good relationshp with her family and that was a problem for her. I think all of those reasons were valid and she is telling the truth when she says they were problems. I'm trying to work on being less selfish and i'm also trying to rebuild my relationship with my family. I still tend to be selfish but I'm trying to work on it. This morning though I caught myself being selfish again because a friend had a hurt hip and I forgot to ask about it and rather started talking about how I saw my wife on her way to work this morning so I still need lots of work there.
I've ready the divorce remedy book but not divorce busting. I will order it and give it a read.
Sandi2 -- So I guess no matter what, don't initiate contact? Just let her come to me so to speak? That is going to be really hard but today is 7 days since we've spoken last so I guess I have a fair start going. I saw her on my way to work this morning. She was driving to her work. I waved but she didn't look my direction and I don't think she saw me. I thought that was maybe going to be a good opportunity to start a conversation. I will say that, when I sent her the Happy Halloween text, she responded back almost immediately so I saw that as a good sign.
