so he just got served.... sent me a text "i got your papers".....i responded ok, thanks for letting me know... now im sitting in my room crying and realizing that in 6 months ill be divorced. This after the first good day ive had in months...perfect...
Me:48 H:42 M: 18 yrs. S: 9/1/09 due to alcoholic H D bomb: 9/9/11 OW confirmed 10/30/11 D papers filed 11/01/11 S15 S21(Special needs) S28
Look to yourself, It is there that all your answers are found...
yeah, you really need to take a breath and stop thinking every sentence is the final one.
Or that ONE act is the final act.
You are confused, and so is he. You SAID you had to file b/c you needed the money and
you seemed to mean, that if you did not file you would go without and so would your son.
IF THAT IS TRUE, then you did what you had to do.
Stop second guessing.
If it's not true, that's another matter. YOu will have to figure out when you are doing something out of anger and calling it something else
and when you are being honest with yourself and others.
Not so easy when emotions are high....
think of it from HIS perspective. He's screwed up now too...
forgive yourself and maybe in time you can forgive him too. No matter what else happens
that's a good Godly thing to do. For now, I'd make ANY AND ALL contacts about son ONLY...and do not react to his anger if he sends it to you.
Just be calm and thoughtful. And read the Co-Dependent NO More" book too. I hear it is very good.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I both want to be married AND am very scared. but im not scared of the typical being alone like some people..Ive been a single mom and am a very independent person. I know it can be done and have been happy in that place. As a matter of fact when me and H first seperated I was very happy alone. I have been living with an alcoholic for 15 plus years and it felt great to have that out of my life. but when he began his recovery i saw potential for us for the first time and was falling in love with him all over again...I had hope. I read your post verysad with the advice and thought it was great...i did think back before the bomb and no i didnt like him much but like he was saying also, did not want to lose my family over this and was still clinging to that fact that he was going to make some changes, were i went wrong was not realizeing that there were changes to be made on my part also...well, i realized it, just didnt act on it and THAT is were my guilt comes from. I could have stopped this and was to hard headed and self involved to do it. Of course he went to OW...she understood were he was at and didnt expect anything out of him that would resemble working on a relationship. it was easy. I made it easy....I practically handed him to her on a silver platter... 25...i have to say there have been times the past couple of days I didnt like you very much..:) Some of the things you are calling me on are hard to face..but the one thing im sure of is i did have to file to take care of us. We really have been living at just above poverty level and he has been haveing a pretty easy time of it financially. Ive asked him several times if he could help out a bit more and he says ill see what I can do..and then nothing. I just spent my grocery money this week on replacing my sons retainer that he broke a week ago...and i did inform H about this and got the same response and then .....nothing. Well, he did come fix my truck, but thats not going to feed my kids... I do work and have a disabled son that lives with me also...who, by the way, has been raised by H since he was 2 and has not heard one word from H in 3 months. Not even on his birthday. They were very close and S was very attached to H. He talks about H all the time, to the point that S14 said he didnt want to hear him anymore, it makes him feel "crappy" Theres a lot of hurt going around on everybodys part im sure. I know i did what i had to do, but sometimes what you have to do and what you want to do are no were near the same thing. And im still sad, even if I was the one to file doesnt make it any less something i do not want....
Me:48 H:42 M: 18 yrs. S: 9/1/09 due to alcoholic H D bomb: 9/9/11 OW confirmed 10/30/11 D papers filed 11/01/11 S15 S21(Special needs) S28
Look to yourself, It is there that all your answers are found...
I both want to be married AND am very scared. but im not scared of the typical being alone like some people..Ive been a single mom and am a very independent person. I know it can be done and have been happy in that place. Many women can't say this ^^^ so you are ahead of the game here. As a matter of fact when me and H first seperated I was very happy alone. I have been living with an alcoholic for 15 plus years and it felt great to have that out of my life. of course it did. Makes sense to me.
but when he began his recovery i saw potential for us for the first time and was falling in love with him all over again...I had hope.
I read your post verysad with the advice and thought it was great...i did think back before the bomb and no i didnt like him much but like he was saying also, did not want to lose my family over this and was still clinging to that fact that he was going to make some changes, were i went wrong was not realizeing that there were changes to be made on my part also it's sort of a hard lesson to learn when someone has been drinking for so long. Easy to stare at THAT, as "THE problem" when in fact it's just a big one... ...well, i realized it, just didnt act on it and THAT is were my guilt comes from. I could have stopped this and was to hard headed and self involved to do it. Understood. And assuming you also mean your anger issue in there ^^^ too...
Of course he went to OW...she understood were he was at and didnt expect anything out of him that would resemble working on a relationship. it was easy. I made it easy....I practically handed him to her on a silver platter... THese are important insights to cling to when revisions beginn.
25...i have to say there have been times the past couple of days I didnt like you very much..:) Some of the things you are calling me on are hard to face sorry about that. Some people say I'm an acquired taste... I know I'm direct. Thing is, do you really want to just have us validate all your actions, or to push you to clarify your goals and make sure the actions match? ..but the one thing im sure of is i did have to file to take care of us. THEN THAT IS THE FOCUS and the straw that broke your back and you will need to stay on message with it. Seriously.
We really have been living at just above poverty level and he has been haveing a pretty easy time of it financially. Ive asked him several times if he could help out a bit more and he says ill see what I can do..and then nothing. Now he will HAVE to...it's called living life on life's terms. I'm sure he's heard that line before.
I just spent my grocery money this week on replacing my sons retainer that he broke a week ago...and i did inform H about this and got the same response and then .....nothing. Well, he did come fix my truck, but thats not going to feed my kids... Well...to be fair, it helps. But soon enough you'll get a set amount you can rely on. Hopefully it'll be enough.
I do work and have a disabled son that lives with me also...who, by the way, has been raised by H since he was 2 and has not heard one word from H in 3 months. Not even on his birthday. They were very close and S was very attached to H. He talks about H all the time, to the point that S14 said he didnt want to hear him anymore, it makes him feel "crappy" wow...so there's some shame that is paralyzing him? Geez, what a sitch. And what a coward. I GUESS it beats drinking to get "the courage" up...good grief. OTOH you need to keep the road home paved and smooth EVEN IF it's just the road to the kids. For their sake.
Theres a lot of hurt going around on everybodys part im sure. I know i did what i had to do, but sometimes what you have to do and what you want to do are no were near the same thing. Sad but true.
And im still sad, even if I was the one to file doesnt make it any less something i do not want....
I know that. But it does have to be enough for you TO KNOW that you are not second guessing yourself...make sense?
He put you in that financial position and for THAT PART< he has only himself to blame.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
another venting session... we went to our co parenting session last night. after what I thought was a great weekend for S14 and H, he spent the first 15 minutes of session complaining about how much money it cost him and how he was not going to be able to do that every time he spent with S14 and basically was all negative about it. It seemed to stem from the fact that we had decided that he would not keep S14 over night since the house is pretty empty and we thought that would upset S. He said several times that there was now going to be child support and alimoni to be paid (alluding to me filing papers) and he just couldnt afford to spend that kind of money. I felt that he was trying to bring up the papers and the fact that I had moved my things out but the C did not take that opportunity to discuss it and I feel like I cant bring those things up because he gets so defensive when i do. When the subject of telling our son about D was brought up and how we would approach it she suggested when he asks why (which he will, our son is the question master!!) that we tell him that is basically our buisness and that he just needs to know that we both love him. i DO NOT want to tell him about that A but i definately dont thing telling him it is not his buisness is the way to go..I actually dont want to tell him at all and am not argueing the point but not pushing it along either. It doesnt feel like H is in any hurry to tell him either so I am going with that..I guess i feel like there were chances for her to get us talking about what is going on and she avoided it. Our sessions that my emplyee will pay for are up and he agreed to go through his for some more, so he is obviousley agreeable to being there. When she asked him if a divorce is definat he did answer yes...and there was no mention of OW...he is sticking to the story that the reason for the divorce is because he cannot go back to our R the way it was, she again told him that that reason made no sense to her because the R could be changed with some work. He said that he saw no change in me over the last 2 years and could not trust that. He came by the house after session and picked up the dreaded bed...which i helped him load in his truck with a smile on my face. (180!!!!) and then discussed how he will bring trailer over tomorrow so I can get it ready for mine and the boys camping trip this weekend. On my end, I am slowing down and not feeling so paniced about the situation. Not staying up at night crying and trying to not react on the fly to every thing that is said and done. I guess i just wish I knew if there was still a chance or if i should just resign myself to the D....but i guess everyone here has that same thought. would that be easy??? The thing I need the most direction on now is what i should be doing as far as contact...I feel like I should just go dark after this weekend. I cant really now since he is bringing the trailer today and helping get us settled in the camping spot. and yes I can admit that im useing the camping trip as a point of contact. I realize that and will not be doing that anymore. He offered but I jumped on it, should have just said no thank you but thanks for the offer. Im learning..... oh, i did tell him in our session that I hoped he remembered from now on that he is a role model for our son and his actions of late have not been ones that show character or integrity and that our S is watching...not sure if that was smart but needed to get that out.
Me:48 H:42 M: 18 yrs. S: 9/1/09 due to alcoholic H D bomb: 9/9/11 OW confirmed 10/30/11 D papers filed 11/01/11 S15 S21(Special needs) S28
Look to yourself, It is there that all your answers are found...
another venting session... we went to our co parenting session last night. after what I thought was a great weekend for S14 and H, he spent the first 15 minutes of session complaining about how much money it cost him and how he was not going to be able to do that every time he spent with S14 and basically was all negative about it. that was probably done to punish you for filing. But since your alternative was not having utilities paid, then so be it.
It seemed to stem from the fact that we had decided that he would not keep S14 over night since the house is pretty empty and we thought that would upset S. He said several times that there was now going to be child support and alimoni to be paid (alluding to me filing papers) and he just couldnt afford to spend that kind of money. I felt that he was trying to bring up the papers and the fact that I had moved my things out but the C did not take that opportunity to discuss it and I feel like I cant bring those things up because he gets so defensive when i do. if you say anything at those moments, make it BRIEF. No more than two sentences or it gets' tuned out or converted into something they FEAR, not what the actually HEAR...make sense?
When the subject of telling our son about D was brought up and how we would approach it she suggested when he asks why (which he will, our son is the question master!!) that we tell him that is basically our buisness and that he just needs to know that we both love him. i DO NOT want to tell him about that A but i definately dont thing telling him it is not his buisness is the way to go..I actually dont want to tell him at all and am not argueing the point but not pushing it along either. It doesnt feel like H is in any hurry to tell him either so I am going with that..I guess i feel like there were chances for her to get us talking about what is going on and she avoided it. Interesting...well, you can say you are in transition and don't know what the future holds...(true) or that it "may" lead to divorce (true), but that you both love him and one thing my mc said that really helped was to stress to the kids, no matter what happens, SOME things in their life will remain the same.
In our sitch, I knew I'd stay in the same home til d1 finished high school so the d's both were going to be in the same school, with same friends and same home for the next 2 years. No moving was coming soon and they were very relieved by that.
Our sessions that my emplyee will pay for are up and he agreed to go through his for some more, so he is obviousley agreeable to being there. When she asked him if a divorce is definat he did answer yes...and there was no mention of OW...he is sticking to the story that the reason for the divorce is because he cannot go back to our R the way it was, she again told him that that reason made no sense to her because the R could be changed with some work. I'm sure he heard that. But as was said earlier, SEEMS so much easier to start with someone new who has no recall of the baggage he feels guilty about. Only time in the new R will show him that ALL r's take some work.
He said that he saw no change in me over the last 2 years and could not trust that. ?? Meaning he saw changes he did NOT trust OR that he saw no changes and did not trust that you would make them?
Either way, you know what you have to do for that...SHOW CHANGE...it does not have to be huge. Just consistent...
consisent change + sufficient time = change they believe in.
He came by the house after session and picked up the dreaded bed...which i helped him load in his truck with a smile on my face. (180!!!!) ta dah! 180!
and then discussed how he will bring trailer over tomorrow so I can get it ready for mine and the boys camping trip this weekend.
On my end, I am slowing down and not feeling so paniced about the situation. Not staying up at night crying and trying to not react on the fly to every thing that is said and done.
Good I guess i just wish I knew if there was still a chance or if i should just resign myself to the D....but i guess everyone here has that same thought. would that be easy??? no guarantees...but there never were. However, you are far from finished imo.
He's saying things for his own "safety" but if he believes you have changed and that he can actually be forgiven (don't tell him he is, b/c he's not overtly asking you at the moment)
if he believes you both could actually move "From this day forward" and not carry around a lot of the past...
you are the mother of his child. And he was with you a LONG TIME...
it is very unlikely that he can go forward without looking back over his shoulder and wondering about giving it another try.
But atm, he probably does believe you are very angry (and you usually are and I'm not saying I wouldn't be too--but it's NOT helpful)
and therefore for HIM, the guilt, dealing with your anger and the past, which he may feel he'll never be able to get past with you
are triggers for him to drink.
So in a way, he thinks he's saving himself.
The only way for that Not to be true is if he drinks again without you OR if he believes you really have moved forward, and are letting go of the past vis a vis him. For your sake, you need to do that anyhow.
Like if you two co-parent well and demonstrate things in common and some friendship...how can he not wonder about more?
Do you see how letting go of the past, helps YOU? And your son?
The thing I need the most direction on now is what i should be doing as far as contact...I feel like I should just go dark after this weekend. I cant really now since he is bringing the trailer today and helping get us settled in the camping spot. and yes I can admit that im useing the camping trip as a point of contact. I realize that and will not be doing that anymore. He offered but I jumped on it, should have just said no thank you but thanks for the offer. Im learning..... for now, going dark is probably going to make it easier for YOU to make the changes you want to make AND to Detach and stop obessing about him and OW...so that's an argument for it. And he won't have you to blame for ordinary life problems, which he never faced before b/c he was drinking and so he didn't deal with life on life's terms...so Later on....we'll see...
oh, i did tell him in our session that I hoped he remembered from now on that he is a role model for our son good and true... and his actions of late have not been ones that show character or integrity and that our S is watching.. Not good...all opinion and judgemental and NOT forgiving so...why would he think you have changed if he's still seeing your anger?
You could have stopped at the first sentence...and even that isn't necessary to point out. You don't think he knows it already?
.not sure if that was smart but needed to get that out.
why did you "need to get that out"? Just curious.
Do you see how that "need" is really just saying "I wanted to express my disapproval to him, again"?
Forgiveness is NOT easy. But it's healthy for ALL...and it's mandatory if you really believe you want to reconcile. Decide though, if that is true. Do you hate the idea of him rejecting you so much that you say you want the marriage to work when in fact
you are so furious at him that you sabotage the efforts...OR do you really want to move past the past and go from this day forward, building a new marriage?
If it's the latter, then YOU need to demonstrate change. To him, HE has changed b/c he's not drinking.
I don't know what other steps or changes he has made but in his eyes the ball is in your court, I think.
read up on forgiveness. I found Marianne WIlliamson's books on anger helpful -she's too new agey for some but her forgiveness work is great.
I literally had to say, out loud, "I turn my pain/anger over to you, God" about 40 times a day. Said it in the shower so my kids didn't think I was nuts. But thinking it, saying it and hearing it DO help...and it was too much for me anyhow.
And btw, I have two family members who divorced and later, years later I'm afraid, remarried.
It happens
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
awww 25...I am learning to love you and look forward to your replies..:) I knew as I typed out that statement I said to my H that is was a huge mistake... I knew that i was just trying to make him feel like crap and I was trying to pass it off as protecting my son. the grasshopper has learned...:) Why i keep sabotaging myself in the situation is a mystery to me and something i will bring up in my next C session. although my C thinks I keep myself in situations that are unhealthy for me. She does not think that saving this marriage is a good idea..but she has seen my through the last 3 yrs with him and I havent been totally honest with her I dont think...that is going to change at the next session. I dont want the marriage I had before...or the husband I had before...but I want to see if we have a chance as better people then we were, He being sober and I being less or not angry. Im checking into an anger managment class today... big step for me!! pat on the back!!
Me:48 H:42 M: 18 yrs. S: 9/1/09 due to alcoholic H D bomb: 9/9/11 OW confirmed 10/30/11 D papers filed 11/01/11 S15 S21(Special needs) S28
Look to yourself, It is there that all your answers are found...
Thing is, do you really want to just have us validate all your actions, or to push you to clarify your goals and make sure the actions match?