Don't give up staying dark. It doesn't count if she comes by to see you. But if she emails or TM's, you don't answer b/c you have such a busy life or turned the phone off.....You can answer a persistant TM in case of an emergency (Do you have kids?. You can even answer a TM or phone call once in a while, but find out what she called about, be nice & end the call quickly. You can stay dark. Make this about you, not her.
It sounds very much as if she is holding you on the back burner in case nobody else shows up to take her out. She won't give you a definite answer (which any lady should either commit, or release the gentlemen to pursue another for his date). That may be considered old fashion etiquette, but it should still stand today.
Stop inviting her out (for now) and start getting out of that house! Go places. What are your areas of interest? What drew your attention before you M? If you have to go into every shop in the mall, then that's better than staying home alone. Stay away from "couple" activities, b/c that will only depress you (now). Every man who finally started taking the advice to GAL, came back to tell us how great it was and how it helped to get his life in perspective.
If you ever stand a chance with your W wanting to return, it will be when she thinks you are leaving her. Big difference there! Right now she holds the power in this stitch. She will continue to hold that power over your life until you decide to take back the reigns. I guarantee you that if she thought that you had lost interest in her....she would be pursuing you within a week.
But that will be her little test, so don't fall for it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
We have no children, one of her problems with me because I "denied her the chance to have a family".
She is very low in self confidence and hates herself and the world in general, believing that everyone is looking to hurt her. I think she doesn't want to lose sight of her safety blanket and also she may be regretting being hasty. Or maybe I am just wishfully thinking? As you can see from "War and Peace" above, she has told me a few times it is all over. So I have told her I have accepted that without question. Then she starts responding to emails an hour after the last finale. Then two days later she comes up with an excuse to see me and then she drops in the following day for an hour to collect the medication I picked up for her.
I will stop inviting her. She knows where I am most of the time and knows she could join me if she pleases.
I am interested in many things, classic car restoration, auto upholstery, caravanning etc. To GAL I have booked piano lessons and this week will start ballroom and Latin dance classes. I could do that twice a week with some effort. This Sunday I could have done something, but pottered about the house hoping she would call me, naturally she didn't. Seems to be some reason why she shuts away at the weekends.
As far as the leaving her is concerned, see the venom about me going out with her xgf's partner for Sunday lunch. Also the paragraph about how miserable she is and can't bear to hear about me having a life. Crazy, she knows she can be part of it, but she will not do it.
Explain to me about how I deal with her contacting me. At what point if she does, do I respond positively and start building? Is there not a danger that if I lock her out, that she will say "What the hell" and retreat back into her depression? That thought scares me witless. She has seen many of the changes I have made so far without a doubt and she has seen some of the self help books I have been reading. Haven't shown her DB though. She took away 5LL but not sure if she intends to read it or prop up a table!
She knows where I am most of the time and knows she could join me if she pleases.
Okay, this is where you need to start. You are too predictable. Change it up so that she has no idea what you're doing or where you might be. That promotes the mystery that Michele talks about in her DR book.
IMHO, your W uses "you" to blame for all her problems. If you are removed, then she has to look elsewhere. Hopefully, it would press her to work on her depression and attitude. Who wants to be around somebody like that the rest of their life? That is what she needs to think about herself.
From what you say, she has developed a nasty attitude toward the world. You cannot change that, and you should not try. She's a grown woman and will either make good decisions or bad. For now, you need to stay out of her way and not influence her decisions or she'll blame you. See what I mean?
Since there are no children, you have the perfect opportunity to go dark. She needs to see that she left the best thing that ever happened to her.....YOU! As long as she can pop in whenever she wants.....that's taking you for granted, don't you think? So, you need to either have company over or be gone for the next several, several nights.
I suggest you not watch her on the computer b/c that only keeps your wound infected. You have to pull away in order to heal and to work on yourself. You can't if you are watching her.
Turn your phone off. If she gets mad, let her get mad. It's your life, your phone.....you have a right to peace & quite if you want that. If she does catch you at work, you tell her that you have to go b/c of work. Not a good time, etc. If she catches you at home, you are on your way out the door. She'll ask questions....but she does not have that right to know, anymore. You may have to remind her of that.
If you do talk to her, it must be as if you were talking to a kid sister or a co-worker that you had no personal interest in. Keep it nice, but stay cool. Do not fall into emotional traps, and she will set them.
Every LBH is scared to death he will push the WAW further away. But, a WAW must see that she is loses something in order to want to return to the M and be willing to work at it. At this point, your W has no interest at all. Her only interest is keeping you dangling at the end of a rope. She's controlling your life even when she's not there. You need to show her that you control your own life. You do that by GAL, not being so available to reach, being emotionally detached from her and the drama she brings into the R.
It all sounds opposite from what you'd expect, but it works, if you'll stick with it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
OK well I will give it my best shot. Should I change the locks on the house?
I wish I understood how her mind works... Silly stuff like making sure I have her new cell and landline numbers, but not allowed to have the address? Daft really because the landline number pinpoints it to a small area anyway! I wonder if she has decided to see me as some sort of monster who will rage at her etc? If I was going to do that, I would have been doing it by phone, but that's logic of course! Maybe it helps her to detach if she can imagine I would be like like after never even raising my voice to her in 18 years.
19:30 she phones me in tears to enquire if I would be in at 21:30. I told her I could be and asked what was the matter. It seems that she had become so upset at the one of her cats going missing that she wanted to bring the other one home to keep her safe. So I agreed to be here. I was in my glad rags when she arrived which prompted her to ask what I was dressed up for. I told her I had been at my dance class. She made some comment about it being all grannies. I told her there was a good cross section from teenagers to pensioners, so no doubt that will unsettle her. Her uncle is single and apparently gets most of his "conquests" via dancing classes / events. W considers him a womaniser, so she must have a tiny concern!
Cat settled back in nicely with the others. W now has no cats or other company, which is sad. Hopefully the missing one will return, but after more than a week I have my doubts.
This morning I took a cute photo of the cat she returned in her hidy place.
There was a conversation about Christmas. She is determined to do nothing and see nobody over Christmas. I said I would like to spend it with her, but I respected her position to be on her own.
Well.....you've been busy! Right? You are sitting on your phone waiting and hoping to hear a word from her.
So when you finally return her TM, you do it with a very short sentence, and do not try to entice more conversation. Something like, "Cats are fine". I think she will try to use the cat subject as her link to talk to you b/c she's lonely. Sad, but that's the consequence of her decision to move out. You, on the other hand, have an active life and are busy.....too busy to respond to every TM about her cat.
Remember, be cool but not cold.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Seems like you are handling your emotions correctly. And as sandi pointed out, going dark will help you.
Your wife seems to be going through some classic 'victimhood' syndrome. She feels that she has been wronged by you all those years. The only way the blinders can come off is when you are out of her picture.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
