I fear it is me that is responsible for the negatives. Anger begets anger and I'm not happy right now so my wife is hostle and has left now that the kids have gone to bed.
I was out of town this weekend with one son and she was here with the other. Her text's to me were at times were similar to saying "Thanks for nothing" - yes that is a personal interpretation of an impersonal form of media. I stayed with her parents and even though they know the waters are troubled they, and I, just go on 'as-if'. My mood when my wife came home this afternoon after my son and I had been home for a few hours was most likely seen as passive aggressive.
I had set about being busy with cleaning the house and doing laundry since it appears as though nothing was done but to mess the house up. When I was finished I went into my room, with the door left open, I went about studying for this weeks classes.
She said almost nothing to me as expected. But when the kids were off to bed she asked if I left her any gas in her car from the weekend. I told her half tank and she rolled her eyes and proclaimed that the filled up my car past the full line today. I was instinctively angry immediatly. I just spent more money than I had on my son's trip so that he could keep up appearances with his peers and within our family. I'm flippin' broke and I spent over $200 in gas over a weekend! I have nothing on my credit cards beyond $20 between the two and all I got was a remark that made me feel like a selfish poop head!
Needless to say I bit back my anger and told her politely that I just need to see what's left in my account after stuff clears in a day or two and I will take care of it.
My wife wants out of our marriage. She was clear on that and sleeping in the living room for the past many months keeps focus on that. I'm determined to make hopes and dreams become realities, even if that means I'm not part of her future. I'm taking medical bills as they come in and I'm paying them off as uber fast as I can and if that means leaving me with $50 a day after payday to last me two weeks, I do it. She doesn't know that I'm doing this and I'm not telling her or anyone. She wants to get out of debt so we can afford to seperate so I'm doing what I can for her so she can accomplish what she feels she needs to accomplish.
If through this process her stress levels mellow out, so be it. I pray every night that she will find love and happiness even if it's not with me. I'm so frustrated with being made to feel like a jerk most every passing glance or text. I'm so angry right now. I'm going to log out now and do something I never do. I'm going to cry. I'm going to make myself cry if I have too, but I need to cuz I just feel like too much is building inside me and I hate being angry and/or frustrated. It's just not helping my relationship with my wife.
