I ruined it all but want to change & make it work

[workinghardguy]

Welcome IRIA... sorry you're hear. Sandi and Bustorama are a great source of guidance and thoughts, listen to them.

My W and I are at the same point. She wants to be great friends and better co-parents, but not married. We even have children close to the same ages. I will tell you right now that what's coming is probably the hardest thing you've ever done. I've put it right up there with dealing my father's death when I was 18. Nothing else compares.

You will need to learn to fight every natural instinct you have. What you have to do will seem counterintuitive and wrong, but it's not.

And there are no guarantees. When I first started here, (ha... just realized you and I got the bomb only five days apart too!) my W and I were not talking, not being civil, and it was terrible. But I've listened and worked... not perfectly, I've made some screw-ups some pretty big some pretty small. But things are "better".

However, "better" doesn't mean we're working on our R, our moving towards recon, or anything like that. My W still wants to be apart. However, our house is at least civil now, and I would say that on most days it's even warm. We laugh and joke, we play with the kids, we even ML every so often.

Two months ago I cried every day and almost all day. I couldn't function at work and I was miserable. I think yesterday I only teared up and cried a little for maybe two or three minutes. I actually had a whole week last week where I was largely functional at work.

One big piece of advice you will hear is that you need to "detach". It's an amorphous concept that's hard to nail down, but critical to understand. In essence you need to not have your W be the center of your universe and not have your emotional moods and well-being be tied to hers. Understand that, while you have your issues and your depression, she has problems too. WAS have problems. Your W is looking at a future as a single mom of three kids who is 43 years old. If that doesn't scare her deep down then she's insane. She probably won't admit her fear to you or her misgivings, but they are there. They will take her up and down this emotional rollercoaster, and if you don't detach you will ride it with her.

The other big piece of advice I would give you, that has really helped me, is to understand where she is at right now. She is not considering leaving you; she has already left. Physically she may still be there, but in her head she is already single and alone. You are already "just friends" or "just roommates". Your work now is to improve yourself. Not so that she doesn't decided to end your M... that ship has sailed I'm afraid. But so that, in those dark moments of ambivalence and worry when she looks at her decision, she is given reason to question whether it was the right one. I spent a lot of energy and time doing things that I thought would stop my W from deciding to leave our M. This also meant I reacted to every note, text, comment, and convo. It drives you mad.

Once I realized she's already walked away it became easier. Less pressure. Time + consistent change = something your W can believe in. You'll hear that a lot. So come to grips with her already being gone and that you are changing for you, and that those changes over time may give her pause about her decisions.

Last thing... also realize you have the power here. Your W may get to decide about separation or divorce. You cannot stop that process. BUT, she doesn't get to decide when you stop wanting to work on your M. You only move on when you want to move on. That may be three months, three years, or 30 years - your call. You don't get to control her decisions, but by default she also doesn't get to control yours.

So... no pursuing, no R talk, no ILY, no affections, and honest, hard work on yourself.

Eh... it's going to be winter, what else did you have to do anyway?

[sandi2]

Here's what I see that seems to be a common thread in the LBH's threads. The WW is usually "caught" in an EA and then approached by the BH. If he has enough evidence, she usually will admit that she's in an EA (and often adds that it mostly just friends).

Then the WW & BH have a "warm" RT and the W is usually in a different mood/spirit/attitude than H has been seeing. The R talk ends on a nice note.

Here's the critical error the H makes. Based on how his W reacted to being confronted about OM, he (the H)thinks the A is over!! He responds to her her "niceness" and thinks they are moving forward in their M. He is WRONG! The WW sees this talk as the M moving toward a friendly D!

That is why we see so many on here get all excited when the WW confesses or admits her A and just b/c he is approaching in a Calm manner, she begins showing a more calm attitude and then even almost "sweet" toward him. May even hug or kiss him on the forehead, etc.

It kills me to see the LBH get all giddy over this confrontation talk and think it's over with OM and she's back o track to work on the M. In the cases I've read....that isn't the case at all.

[NYCPeter]

What Sandi said.

Not certain - but I think this is exactly what is happening in my sitch. She thinks that I have accepted D is inevitable as there is no animosity or anger in either my reaction or our behavior.

[sandi2]

I agree 100%, Peter.

[Ugh99]

Workinghardguy, Sandi: thanks so much for this. I leave in the morning for two months. I was going to leave in a huff but I will apologize and wish her well until I return. You guys are really great.

[sandi2]

I will apologize and wish her well until I return.

What offense are you apologizing about? Remember, just one apology per offense at this point in the R.

Leave with you looking the way you want her to remember you.

[Ugh99]

Hi Sandi, I was grumpy the night before leaving because I wasn't getting my way: i.e. reconciliation. "Why cant she see we are better together than apart?" and those kind of thoughts. Anyway, I did apologize, told her it was very hard for me and that I knew it was very hard for her also. She drove me to the airport in the morning. I told her I loved her, she said "I know" and wished me a safe flight. Its been five days away from her and our kids and I just want to go back and be with them and try to fix things. That being said, as has been pointed out many times here, the best thing I can do is work on me and my 180 and hope she sees that sometime. It will be two months next week since she dropped the bomb, so maybe things are still so fresh and painful for her. I still flux between shock, pain, disbelief and anger. I've got cancer patients to treat so I cant dwell on these things all day but I so wish I woke up months ago, did the right thing re EM and got help for myself and our marriage. I'm living, like all of us, with the consequences of those very bad choices.

Thanks guys!

[sandi2]

I was grumpy the night before leaving because I wasn't getting my way: i.e. reconciliation.

That sounds pretty childish when you put it on paper, doesn't it? Would you say that is an old behavior of yours?
I know I don't like to be around a grumpy person. In DB, we learn to be the type of person people like to be around. I love being with a fun person, don't you? I bet your W does too. I can tell you this much....you would get a lot futher by being fun than you will otherwise.

I just want to go back and be with them and try to fix things.

I don't think you would. I think you'd go back home and have a "talk" with her, thinking that was "fixing things" and when she wouldn't respond like you expected....you'd get grumpy again. You know how I know? B/c it'll be two months next week since the bomb, and you could have "shown" her how she could be happier being with you. You could have shown her that you are the better option. But you didn't. You've had two months....and you didn't. And, that's why she can't see it would be better to stay together.

[Ugh99]

Sandi,

I tried to go back home immediately but she told me not too. I tried again a few days later and she asked me not to again. When I was finally back to tell our children she asked me not to come back until the holidays in December.

How is anything suppose to get started if there is no "talking"? I disagree with your assumption that I have not tried to show her. You dont know what I have been doing or have not been doing. I am doing everything in my power to make her single life easier. That is showing. I am 3500 miles away and am giving my life to treating cancer patients, and at the same time taking care of things so that she does not have to; doing homework with our children over skype; speaking with them the first thing in the morning and the last thing at night. Yes, I might get grumpy now and again. It would be a wonderful sight to see someone being happy-go-lucky and "fun" to be around when their life has been completely turned up-side down and changed forever. Unfortunately thats no me.

[bustorama]

When I was finally back to tell our children she asked me not to come back until the holidays in December.

So, respect her, and don't come back to see her until the holidays unless she says otherwise, (but of course maintaining your connection with your kids -- that is a separate issue).

How is anything suppose to get started if there is no "talking"?

You can't control her thoughts/feelings about you by talking to her. Time can heal. If her anger at you recedes in the past and she sees glimpses of a new you, perhaps things might get started. If you keep showing up at her doorstep against her wishes insisting that things be made right, you will come across as selfish and entitled.

Yes, I might get grumpy now and again. It would be a wonderful sight to see someone being happy-go-lucky and "fun" to be around when their life has been completely turned up-side down and changed forever. Unfortunately thats no me.

As Sandi said, this is the part you need to work on. I get that being separated from your wife kids and perhaps even feeling guilty about your responsibility for that can put you in a grumpy funk. I've been there too Doesn't help matters at all, though. You have GOT to find other avenues of coping for this, whether it is coming here and venting or (better) GAL activities. Grumpiness is not attractive, safe or empathetic.