Asking for Help / Advice Please

[25yearsmlc]

EG

Congratulations on 6 weeks sobriety! Are you sleeping better yet?

Hey, you have gotten great advice here, so please read it carefully and take it in.

So you know, I'm an adult child of an alcoholic, and have gone thru an 12 step program myself after a back injury.

Recovery Is a big deal and getting clean was among the hardest, most horrible, AND most spiritually awakening experiences of my life.

Please focus on your recovery. 6 weeks is nothing to the non addict/non alcoholic.

When you say you are sober, do you mean that you have not had a drink, OR do you mean you are sober AND in a recovery program?

What I call "honest sobriety" is based on knowing that alcoholism isn't just about drinking and sobriety isn't just about not having alcohol. "Dry drunks" are just as mean and manipulative and dishonest as active drinkers, but they claim to be "all fixed" since they don't drink.

They still lack coping skills for life and they still try to control others (to avoid having to cope) and they still lie, and they still feel insecure so they still criticize...and they tend to "expect" or feel entitled to reconciliation now that they are "all better"...

but truly there's a lot more to sobriety than merely not drinking.


It's super important that you understand this...

Being a heavy drinker or user impedes maturing and development. For instance, a 40 y/o man who has been heavily drinking since he was a teenager, tends to be as emotionally mature as a teenager.

Being drunk stops real growth. Alcoholics/addicts don't develop emotionally the way they should b/c they numbed their emotions so they didn't get the tools to cope that sober people have to learn to get.

When a sober person faces a setback or heartbreak, they feel it fully, and then plod through it, and then they LEARN from it. They heal...

When an addict or alcoholic faces a setback/heartbreak, they numb the pain...and they numb it some more...so they don't really feel it fully at all. The pain Is there and it's painful enough to keep them using, but they don't work through it.

They don't think they have to, they don't think they need "coping tools" b/c they have booze....they THINK they've taken a short cut around the pain, but it's the opposite...it prolongs the pain.

And it keeps them from "getting it" when it comes to learning life skills for dealing with setbacks, heartbreak, adversity, trauma, fear, joy, trust, falling in love, being rejected, winning at something...all these thigns require maturity. Even success. That's why so many celebrities with drug problems FAIL at SUCCESS...they never learned the skills that they were supposed to pick up on the way to becoming an adult.

One reason YOU are in such a hurry to "get her back" is b/c you hate the discomfort of regret and heartbreak. It has been 6 weeks! Like I said, to a sober person, that's not much time at all.

But You want to have it "be over now!" or numb it but you cannot. You must remain sober...and this is real life

and you have to remember what they tell us in program...

Learn to Face Life on its' terms...but face it!! It's okay to feel pain. Your Pain is real, but it is not fatal or eternal.
You shall get through it. You shall survive it and you shall be happy again, you shall laugh again and you shall love again.

You get through it by working your program, relying on your support group and your faith and counselor and sponsor and family and friends, and you will.

If you are in a 12 step program, you must know that

If you were single, You would not be considered to be in a position to have a relationship with any woman, let alone a committed one, until you manage to be in recovery for a much longer time. Usually a year or two.

Do you attend AA meetings? Do you have a sponsor yet? Please get one ( a male) and work out a R with them so that they can advise you as to when you'd be ready to even pursue a r with her.

It does not mean you cannot contact her. The refusal to allow her to see the dogs...what was that about?

Were you sober when you did that? What are you doing about your anger?

It seems that you have a history of broken promises, holding things over her head, and addiction, correct?

So then, two key ingredients for her to believe in your changes are TIME and consistency...here's the "math" of it:


consistent change + sufficient time = belief in the changes.


Once your head has been clear for a longer period, the dust has settled, and you've held down a job AND done some real GAL

then your contacts will likely mature into a mature friendship and possibly more.

Div Busting is A PROCESS...like getting sober is.

It's a PROGRAM like recovery is. So learn new ways of coping and expressing

and FORGIVING...first yourself, then her, and

learn to stay in the present.

I hear a lot of "futurizing" in your words. You are way ahead of yourself.

Be here now.

"Just for today", what are you doing to stay sober?

just for today, what are you doing to be a better man?

What issues other than anger and addiction, did you and your wife have?

Were you faithful to her? Were you reliable? Were you honest? For the most part, it's hard for a drunk to be the latter two...

So what are YOU doing to work on YOU-

so that when her new R with OM becomes troublesome, as ALL R's do at some point

and she realizes you are becoming the man she always wanted you to become,

how are you going to demonstrate the new you?

Bottom line is that

SHE MUST BELIEVE that

marriage to you today and going forward, would be better/different than before.

How will YOU show her that?

She must also believe that

your changes are real and lasting. IF your changes are just to "get her back!"

then those are not changes; those are tactics to achieve a goal and they will NOT last...

tactics are manipulative. Changes are real and they stem from you wanting to be a better man.


So Instead of approaching this as a "how do I get my wife back?", try saying

"Just for today--

I will be the best man I can be, and I shall leave the results up to God. "