when you have moved on

[AJM]

Hi Forward. I read through your post. Interesting and I very much appreciate it. You have captured so much in those posts over time.

A quick thought. I have had a few GF's since ex. One thing that has been an issue has been that when I feel happiness or anger or sadness, I sometimes think of ex. Shows me I have a lot to work on still. More to clean out.

I was very very cautious to not re-remember my past with ex. We had a loving marriage for a lot of years. Towards the end..not so much. I liken it to a vacation...the vacation was good, but on the trip home we got stuck in the airport and horribly inconvienced. The vacation was still good though.

I try very hard to see things objectively. I loved her. I still do in some ways although I want nothing to do with her. I don't want to be "friends" in an uneven relationship. I am not interested in the abuse or controlling or anger or... I am not interested in going back to that.

I just sometimes miss what we had.

When I look at it realistically though, I am soooooo much better off without her even with the other issues and the dynamic with the kids. I miss my kids and my family but not her and not the dynamic she worked to create. That I let her create. I was dying in that relationship at the end. Painfully.

In some ways I lost me during that time. I am not willing to go back to that. I am not willing to have a relationship with her. She wanted out, and I want her to stay gone. It's healthier for me even though I hate it for the kids sometimes.

Like you, I hope my ex finds the happiness and contentment she left for. With the reduced contact (we have kids, so I have to deal with her for their sake), I can leave her to that. I can assume she is finding it and I'm ok with that.

I know I'll never get an explanation, nor would I trust it if I heard it from her. It's not possible to get an explanation or an apology. I don't want one nor need one any longer.

I want to live my life and I want to see reality. The highs. The lows. The great people. The bad people. I want it unfiltered and real.

I get that chance now and I like it Truth is I had that chance before but allowed myself to not live it. If I had a regret in my life, that would be it. I don't, but if I did... I won't let that opportunity go by again....

Hang in there. Your D will work out a relationship with her dad at some point whether you are there or not. Let it happen on their time. Meanwhile, show your daughter how to live as a woman in this world. How to live as a free woman who loves her life and her daughter.

Peace to you and yours.

AJ

[dl443322]

Love this post, AJ!

[forward]

I have read about how one often feels after a divorce, cycling back and forth. Sometimes I still have regret and pain and sometimes I still miss X, or at least some of the good times we had.

But a lot of times, like today, I am glad that he is not part of my life any more. The criticism and the look of disdain and disgust on his face remind me of why I have begun to be more and more glad he is gone.

I have grown since being rid of that part of him. I am more animated and laugh more.

[forward]

With that said, I would add that I still feel the pain of the rejection sometimes.

[TRUSTING]

Hey forward,

The pain comes and goes with me. Sometimes I just think of all the pain ex brought my way and don't miss him at all. Sometimes I think of all the good times and really miss him. I have to work on not thinking about him at all, that is when I am at my best.

[forward]

I guess the question that I will always wonder about is Why. It may go unanswered. Maybe the reason I am still here is because I haven't quite accepted that I will probably not get an answer.

[AntoniaB]

Forward, while it might be true that you are still here because you haven't felt you have yet accepted that you won't get an answer, I think there are other reasons you're here...you're helping others, for one, who are in the beginning of this stuff, or even those later in the process. I also know that for me, this is the one set of people who really completely "get" what it's like to lose something so integral to your life NOT to physical death but an emotional one, and no one seems to really get it if they haven't gone through it.

My mom tends to get really worried and comes off like I've done something wrong if I ever "cycle" or "backslide" (she wants to find blame in something I did, like "if you didn't do this you wouldn't have cycled back") and I keep telling her cycling is normal and expected and doesn't mean anything bad at all, but she just can't get it.

Once I said "Look, imagine that one of your children just called you up one day and said 'that's it. I want another family. I want to divorce you all. I want a new family and new life because you all displease me. You can't have any relationship with me because you'll be interfering with my new life."

I said "imagine that. Then put romance and sexuality into it. That's my life."

She can only say "I can't imagine. I just can't."

Well....we don't have to ask people here to imagine it. They get it. I think talking to people who really get it is essential to us. So that's another reason you're still here :-)

[Kimmerz]

amen and pass the biscuits Antonia!