These are really good questions dbmod. I have to take some time to establish all of my goals and figure out what can be done now versus what is going to take time. There's no way I would be in a relationship with someone that is not dedicated to monogamy, but as he's shown so many times in the past, his morals just aren't there.
With him opening more and more to me, I really do believe that he blames me for his unhappiness, and thus justifies the cheating. Another problem is the fact that he surrounds himself with unapologetic cheaters. Not just friends, but his relatives as well. At the same time, I know that he is capable of making a real effort and abstaining for a period of time, usually at the beginning of a new relationship.
He also seems to think that this counselor will be able to help him. He talked about seeing him individually (which was my goal, and I didn't even mention it to him). The real problem occurs when everything isn't rosy at home. Nothing can remain perfect forever. We both have to develop tools for communicating better and learning how to express our needs. He still wants to give it a try again, but I'm not jumping into anything.
I think next week's visit is when we'll lay out boundaries (if he's still on the same page). At this point I would need 100% complete transparency and an agreement to go in baby steps. Just because he says he's not with anyone else doesn't mean that I want to be intimate again. Yes, reassurances aren't fool proof but he's not very good at covering up his tracks.
So I guess the answers are:
1. Being monogamous and rededicating ourselves to working at maintaining our relationship. Yes, I believe this is realistic because we don't have a problem with the frequency or intensity of our 'sessions.' He chooses to go out and find women that fulfill his emotional needs. That much I've been able to gather.
2. Continue to focus on myself and only talk about R stuff at counseling sessions. He prompted more than one R talk last night, and I did most of the listening. I'm going to continue with this.
3. We will both be establishing our emotional needs and we will work at them. I will continue to GAL, stabilize my finances and not respond rashly. He will be transparent and work on forgiving himself.
4. Not quite sure yet, But I guess being positive and continuing to DB.
5. I think that I will know that things have turned around for certain when we are both feeling better about ourselves. We like to spend time together when we are happy. It will always take an effort to make these changes permanent, but there will come a point when it just comes naturally. That's what I'm hoping for. Stability, a set routine and transparency.
