Daughter is not mine...

[25yearsmlc]

ASSUMING YOU WANT A RECONCILIATION...and trust me, it's NOT clear to me that is what you want...

then let me pass on a few tips my DB coach gave me:

1) Keep the Road Home, Paved & Smooth.

2) Lose the Anger, at least in front of her, or you'll simply fuel the negatives she is using to justify leaving in the first place. IOW, you will be helping her validate and confirm her choice to leave.

3) Do not "show her the consequences of her choices" or "Teach her a lesson" b/c that is NOT your job. Life does that. Not a spouse. It's almost always coming from a judgemental place of anger.

It's punitive and vindictive and it shows.

4) the more people who know, the harder it is for her to overcome AND the higher chance her pride will kick in and in an effort to justify her choices, she'll file for divorce or dig her heels in MORE, not less.

I say this from experience. Although I did not have OM's child, I did almost have an affair 20 years ago.

My h was in med training and was so relentlessly tired and working or GONE or on call and not available and exhausted and cranky....I was in fact, very neglected and mistreated.

Most wives in my position felt the same but I also worked full time and then had 2 small kids. And a handsome "kevin Costner" lookalike worked with me and paid me a LOT of attention at a vulnerable time.

Suffice to say that we had what most would refer to as an EA and almost a full PA. On my own, with the help of a chaplain and some good pro-marriage but non judmental friends, I worked it out and ended the R before it did too much damage to my m. But make no mistake. at the time, I felt justified in having an affair and barely chose not to, and in my mind at the time, I felt h had pushed me into the arms of OM.

IF my h had discovered it and THEN told others, or had tried to shame me, I would have done some or ALL of the following:

1) I would have defended my choices; and

2) I would have blamed my h for most of it

3) if he were trying to shame or humiliate me by exposing me ot others,

I would have filed for divorce and never looked back. I would have said to myself, "how DARE he! He caused it!"

Plus, I don't know what your w SAID her issues in the marriage are. Did she say you are an angry man? IF so, do you see how you are going to FUEL that negative image?

What were her specific complaints about marriage to you and what of those complaints, were valid AND what are you doing about those?

IOW what are YOU working on IN YOU?

Bottom line you must remember,

if your wife cannot imagine marriage to you, from this day forward,

being better and different than before, than it's over.

So YOU have to demonstrate change in YOU, and the way you two interact.

IF you're the type of man to hold this over her head like the sword of Damacles

OR
the type of man to throw it in her face every time you fight in the future

OR

IF SHE BELIEVES YOU ARE, then it's doomed...

Forgiveness is not an overnight thing; it's a process. I never saw it growing up so I had to learn it.

So Yes the change starts in you- even if you are the "Victim"...that's the way it is. The WAS feels justified...so

The LBSer takes the first step and the next 99 steps too, before they may see ANY change in the WAS.

But you are te one here posting so we are helping YOU to work on YOU.

So decide what your REAL goal is here...

Thank you so much for your support.

I'm afraid I may have shot myself in the foot yesterday.

THEN LEARN FROM THAT^^^^. Don't repeat it, as you seem to be suggesting...


She went out of town for business. I asked her to drop off the minivan before she left.

When she dropped it off yesterday who do you think was with her? Her "friend". Another person who was going with them to the airport was also in the car. We had a bit of a stare down competition going.

My wife put the van in the driveway and wasn't going to come to the door to talk. Our daughter came to the door and wanted to see her and say goodbye. So she ended up coming in for a few minutes.

She commented on my staring at her "friend". I told her not to worry. I'm not going to shoot him...yet. She told me I am going to have to learn to let this go.

this is true!!! Yes it is. If you cannot let it go, then you will hold it over her head forever and throw it in her face every time you fight...OR AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT SHE WILL BELIEVE...and that matters.


I have my inlaws in town this weekend. They know about her cheating.


how do they know? If YOU told them, what was the goal?

Btw, I told my father when I considered the affair and he listened and called me back after sleeping on it so he wouldn't just react.

His advice was solid and helpful. He did not condemn. He asked me what MY self image would be like If I broke a commandment, & other things like that.

But he also sympathized with my loneliness and feelings of neglect. That helped too. He gave me suggestions for coping, like doing theater as my avocation b/c I wanted to channel my passions somewhere that didn't threaten my m.
So He appealed to my better side, not condemning my "selfish" traits.


I had asked them not to say anything to my friends or family because I am hoping to reconcile and am trying to protect her reputation.

IF THIS IS TRUE, THEN ASK YOURSELF HOW THE OTHER THINGS YOU SUGGEST BELOW, SUPPORT OR UNDERMINE THIS GOAL...


They are going over to my mom's house this afternoon to pick up the girls.

I am worried that my mother-in-law will tell my mom. My mom is really broken up over this. She keeps asking over and over why this happened and how can Lori do this to me and the kids. I am afraid that the spectacle of my mom so distraught and grasping for answers may make my MIL spill the beans.

that's why we urge you not to tell people. The more people who know, the MORE people will know...but if your mom hears , so be it. Don't let it come from you. Just tell her your goal is reconciliation IF she learns.

I am also unsure of what to say to them tomorrow morning. The babysitter/cleaning lady/nanny told my cousin that she thinks Audrey is his child.

what?? Who appointed her to do this? Who would say this? FIRE HER....

OMG SO NOT any of her business...shockingly indiscreet and arguably evil...WTH? Never heard of such an outrageous breach of trust.

My cousin is a nurse and asked me if I wanted her to find out about DNA testing. If my cousin suspects this she will probably tell my aunt. Who will probably tell my mom.

WHY IS THIS HAPPENING? Is this child SO different looking? Or are you telling people? WTH?

Also, my brother-in-law has connected the dots. He knows how old Audrey is. He knows when Lori was fired from her previous job. He knows that she spends an inordinate amount of time with him and travels with him for business. He has been telling me for over a month to have a DNA test done.

YOU need to put a stop to this. Stop them from hurting your d and if you really care about your w's rep, it's up to YOU to stop the rumors...good grief.


The question I am asking myself right now is do I tell my inlaws tomorrow morning. The truth will eventually come out. I have family members now questioning her paternity. Those suspicions will soon reach my mom. If she hasn't already had that silent fear.


Why do they have all these suspicions? Why will "the truth" come out? I'm missing something here...

I've never heard of this many people questioning a child's paternity, when the mother is married. Is the child a different race than you?


My other view on this is that if I tell my inlaws that is two more people who know and that can somehow make it's way back to my mom. My wife tried to manipulate me before with the comment of if I tell her dad it will only hurt him and that I would only be doing it to make her look bad.

well it WILL hurt him so that's true. And it would make her look bad. And that is part of why you want to do it so again, I ask, what is your goal?

It confirms in your w's mind that you are NOT a forgiving man and there is no point in her even trying to overcome this. I am not telling you that you MUST forgive her and must take her back if she wants to.

I AM saying that if your goal really is reconciliation, you have a funny way of showing that. It's like you think shame is an effective tool to get a woman back to stay. It's not.



There is more than a modicum of truth in that a part of me would like to hurt her somehow in her father's eyes.

wow. That would not help your marriage at all. But it would hurt both him and her. Gee, how's that make you feel about yourself?

I mean, is it possible some of these reactions of yours, reflect an underlying flaw of yours that she is not attracted to? Is this who you are? Is this who you want to be?

I don't know if my telling them would change anything or not. She is a grown woman and isn't going to go to counseling or move back home because her dad told her to.

Correct...so what would it accomplish?

I would like to see my inlaws take more of a stand however. I want to tell my father in law that he is her father and needs to start acting like it. Tell her in no uncertain terms how deeply ashamed and disappointed he is in her. Let her know that he is not going to be supportive of whatever decision she makes.


all I can say is that despite the pain I know you are in, this^^^ is such a repulsive turn off for me to read, that all I can ask you to do, is read what MY father said to me...and reflect on that.


He and her late mother did not raise her to be an adulterer, deceiver and manipulator. That no matter how hard things were with her mother's illness he didn't use that as an excuse to cheat. That he didn't walk out on his family because he wasn't happy. That her mother and daughter looking down from heaven would not want her to pursue her own happiness(selfishness) at the expense of her marriage and children.

Good luck with the "Shame on you" approach...

Hey you are not in a position of someone who wants to forgive and it really shows...so, maybe you need to work on that A WHOLE LOT before you even think that you are DBing..

Have you read the materials Div Busting and Div Remedy provides? How about this site?

You seem to be in so much pain and mired in anger that you want your whole world to share in it AND to condemn your wife and then somehow

you think it will lead to what? her crawling back to you? That's the only way it oculd happen with all these people knowing AND your attitude.

And it's the least likely way to produce your goal.


And my MIL... she sent me a letter basically saying that she wishes there was some way they could help but there is nothing she can do. I know she feels stuck because my wife isn't her daughter. But she was my wife's late mom's good friend. I want to shake her and say what would Lori's mother be saying if she were here right now? You know what needs to be said so say it!



Please stop this...it's SO unloving.

Heres something you need to think about HARD...

I grew up with a neighbor family of 5 kids and the dad was a Colonel and the mom was a Radcliffe grad. He had been a POW for 5 years in Vietnam before they married.
Anyhow, we knew that years earlier, the h had had an affair. How did we, even the teenagers, know this? B/c somehow the w had let it slip out...

so all of us knew and so did their kids...when we'd ask the Colonel about his POW years or something about his Silver Star for valor, she'd interrupt or change the subject. I used to think she was protecting him in some way but she wasn't. She was a bitter woman, filled with anger at her h for something that was long over before we met him.

When we partied there or interacted, all we knew was that HE was a fun loving host. And she was a bitch. She chose to stay married but not to forgive. To me that is the worst choice of all and for all concerned.

Today, not one of her 4 d's is happily married or ever married. Her son lives far away from her (the Colonel died). Don't be like her. We felt SHE was the cause of the affair b/c she was so angry and bitter that who could love that?

Who would do that to their own children, punish the spouse at the expense of so many others?

I see you risking this...


I plan on just being gracious.

how so? I mean, giving all the other stuff you wrote here...

Thanking them for picking up the girls and spending the night. Tell them that they are always welcome and that the girls love having them at our home. I want to tell them that they don't need to feel awkward because they didn't create the situation we are in.

My head is spinning because there is so much I want to say. Somebody stop this ride so I can get off...

No offense but You need to learn to shut the heck up.

turn this over to God. Tell Him you want HIM to handle your anger and pain for now.

Turn it over to HIM and don't take it back...do this out loud in the shower if you have to. But do it.

Say it out loud, "God, I turn this marriage over to you. I turn my anger and pain over to you for it is too much for me today."

I did this about 40 times a day and believe it or not, it helps. Hearing it, thinking it, and saying it, help it sink in.

Finah and KML, you have both metioned threads where the husband and wife reconcile in spite of the child's paternity. Can you please direct me to those threads? Thank you.

read up on Forgiveness as a concept and as a goal. It's crucial no matter what happens to your m.

Your desire to punish her and to have others condemn her behavior will consume YOU.

I know from experience that when my h left our home for 2 years, I was obsessive and condemning of his selfishness after all my sacrifices and the kids' and all the moves for HIS career...

I told everyone who would listen that he was doing this...and I get really boring and a real drag to be around

and my anger consumed ME...it hurt MY relationships with the kids and others. I was not fully present for them as I was too preoccupied with my pain and desire for "justice"...

I had to decide if I wanted to be "right" or happy...I chose happy.