What do I do next?

[Valeska19]

Luv,
It's extremely hard to take a negative situation and create positives out of it.. but part of DBing is doing exactly just that.

When we initially GAL - we hope our spouses notice... but more importantly, IMHO, GAL starts planting the seeds of positivity. Ones that will grow the more you do it.

Packing up your house to sell it.. Not really GALing.. more like creating a bunker for the next bomb. Does that make sense?

You say you look for hope, happiness, and excitement.. but in order to see that, you have to remove your blinders. The blinders of hurt and anger.

Those things ARE there.. but realize that it's up to YOU to see them.

It's all about perspective Luv. If you see the glass as half empty... that's what it shall be.

You are alive and you are healthy.
You have a roof over your head, food on the table
You have people on this message that care about you.. and you NEVER MET THEM!

See where I'm going?

Now that doesn't mean you have to be happy ALL the time, or that your are immune to the pain.. but the sooner that you realize that ONLY YOU can bring yourself out of it.. the sooner things will look brighter.

I couldn't see it either in the beginning.. so every night before I went to sleep.. I wrote a list of all the good things in my life. I did this religiously because my mind went to dark places often.

Over time.. my perspective changed. I still go to that dark place but it's far less frequent AND I'm there for a much shorter period of time.

Force yourself to find the positives in your life LUV. I promise you.. it helps if you let it!

((( )))

[Grace_O]

LH,

I understand. I also know that what will make you feel better sooneer is if you do something that takes care of you. If being constructive around the house is your thing, that's ok. The question is, what makes you feel better, even just a little, even for just a minute?

As far as you your friends go, the ones with families, well you might work it out so you can have some "Man time". The one who does nothing, might be enticed, or go over there. Broke isn't really an issue when it comes to hangin' with your friends (or never has been for me). I remember going to a local place when I lived in SoCal that was truly dirt cheap. We're talking $1.25 for food and my friend and I would bring a six pack of beer that wass all of about $2. And no, this wasn't in the mid 1900's.

When we couldn't afford that, we would get together and make pizza using "Prentendo" cheese. Yes this was an actual brand. Yes, it waas pretty disgusting and it didn't matter. It was cheap and we would play cards or whatever struck us. It engages your mind in something else. And if it's a good friend, they'll kick your butt if it needs it.

I know that all of this can take a long time to deal with. Do you actually want to deal with it? Preferably with people that have some positive energy? Or do you want this event to define you?

This isn't to say I don't still have moments. I do. The joke at my house is that I can cry at the drop of a kleenex. The power comes from not letting it stop me.

Failure is an event, not a person.

When you look at your friends, is there anyone you'd like to emulate? If not, take small steps towards people you might like to.

It's early for you and all this is hard. Remember to breathe.

HUGS

[luvhurts49]

Well I'm trying to get some people to come over tonight to play cards or something. Since I don't have many friends, I have a friend of mine that is going to try and get a few of his friends to come over. While I don't mind having a get together at the house, it still doesn't feel right because it is still the W house too--it just feels empty without her here.

[luvhurts49]

Well just found out that there is OM in the picture and I have proof. I can't believe that I have been so stupid. How could she do this to us and our kids. It just doesn't make any sense. I don't know what to do anymore. All the DBing, the 180s, going dim/dark doesn't mean sh!t. I don't know how anybody deals with this--I feel like absolute garbage. I feel worthless.

[Telemark]

lh49, I am very sorry to read this. I know the pain and despair you are feeling. There is no good answer to the question of "Why?" It is the ultimate selfish act, and the only consolation I can give you is that there is probably nothing you could have said or done to prevent it. You will feel like your self-respect and self-esteem have been destroyed; that is normal. Fight the urge to think about your W and the OM.

How did you find out? Do you know how far your W's involvement with the OM has gone?

All you can do now is to focus only on you and your kids. Don't bring up the OM with your W; do not acknowledge his existence. He is not worth your breath or anxiety.

[luvhurts49]

I found out because her car was parked outside the OM house all night. The real problem here is that I still love her and still want her back. What does that say about me? I just can't believe that she would do this to me or our kids.

[imthemom]

Lh49...
Was browsing trying to find people in my same sitch and have been reading your post all morning.
Although with me its my H who has WA, our sitch is similar in how it all went down, im fairly new..you can check out my post, but jusr also found out about OW
actually its been a week almost to the hour.
Im sorry, i know the pain your feeling and i know i just wanted someone to understand what i am going through so im just sayen i do. Its not east to not think about it but i can tell you it doesnt help. Im hoping with time it will get easier for me to block it.
Focus on protecting your kids from the pain your feeling. I know its hard, i have to hold it all in until he S14 is gone or in bed, cus its bad enough his whole world is blown apart, he doesnt need to see me fall apart on top of that.
Stay strong, keep busy...ive got to believe we will survive this

[Telemark]

I found out because her car was parked outside the OM house all night. The real problem here is that I still love her and still want her back. What does that say about me? I just can't believe that she would do this to me or our kids.

It says you were invested in your marriage; your W was not. Unfortunately we are in love with who our spouses used to be and what our marriages used to be. But our marriages, as we remember them, are dead, and our spouses are no longer the ones we fell in love with.

I wish I could give you some optimistic words of wisdom about your marriage, but I truly think that once there is an OM or OW there is very little that can be done. An affair is the ultimate selfish slap in the face and it shows a complete lack of respect and love for the LBS by the WAS.

Your biggest task now is to not let the OM or your W's affair take control of your life. That is very difficult and will require incredible self-control on your part. Keep busy, focus on you and do not let the OM rent space in your head for free.

[sandi2]

I feel like absolute garbage. I feel worthless.

You are not worthless. You are not stupid. You did not believe she would do this.

A M can surrive this!

For now, stay away from her. Don't contact her about what you have discovered. Feel all the emotions that will hit you, but don't act out of the emotions.

[luvhurts49]

Last night I started thinking about all the conversations, events, and other things that has happened in the last year or so and I think that there are some pieces that now fit better knowing that there is OM in the picture.

In August of this year, we went on a family vacation and 4 days after we returned, my W left. All this time I was thinking that something happened after we got back, but now I see that this is something that she has had in the works for months now.

I remember that earlier this year, my W had given the OM some advice on breaking up with his GF (at the time) and having her and her S move out of his place. At the time, I didn't think much of it, but now I see that this is the beginning in a long drawn out plan.

It is obvious to me that this OM has filled some emotional need of hers for some time and instead of my W reaching out to me, she continued having this EA both during work and after work (through texting).

So now I'm left with all these excuses that my W has given me over the last few months that has given me reasons to blame myself for why things went wrong while she has not brought any blame upon herself. Now I'm not saying that I didn't play a part in this, but I see now that it is more than just me that is to blame.

After talking with many family and friends (including a friend of hers that called me up out of the blue), they have all stated that she is gone and won't be coming back and that I should just accept that and move on. How do you move on from the one woman that I have loved unconditionally for 20 years? Everyone says that it is hopeless, but yet, I still have hope. Am I delusional for keeping hope alive? I still love my W, I love my kids, and I love us being a family. How can I just give up on that? How can I just ignore that I love my W even though she has had a PA and I still want her back? I am a mess--a shell of my former self lost in depression, sorrow, and misery and I don't see any escape from feeling this way.