alcoholic H decided he wants D

[verycrazy]

Yes, itm, they do say that. And I believe you did what you felt was best for you and your S. You should NOT have to go without so your H can have new toys and spend on ow what should be supporting his own child. I believe as much as anybody here in the sanctity of marriage, but protecting your child is first, especially if the H in question won't do the right thing on his own. That's what the court is for. Yes, also, like you said, your S is seeing how you handle this. Our boys look at how their mothers handle adversity, and learn life lessons from it. I know my S has.

vc

[imthemom]

Thanks VC...and everyone else..
I really am just trying to get through this with some kind of character....i dont want to look back and say wow....that was REALLY ugly...i just want to do the right thing.
Going to a wedding today, my best friends daughter. Its a western theme, same as mine was. The bride is wearing my boots that i wore in my wedding...sad..
But im going to get gussied up and have a good time.
GALING...:)

[25yearsmlc]

if you had to file for financial reasons, then there's not a lot to debate.

You have to eat and survive and your son does, & I assume you work too.

So the ball is in his court for now. Then you can decide how to react. But try not to engage in all the back and forth and anger displays.

You sound like you want to hold your head high and that's going to matter more later on, than you may realize.

Be a woman of dignity and grace and strength and take care of yourself and your son.

then we'll cross those other bridges when you get to them.

Have fun at the wedding and try to be there for the bride/groom on their day as hard as it can be at these times.

Force yourself to DANCE too.

IT's worse to just watch others dancing, trust me.

[verycrazy]

Have fun at the wedding. Yippee ki yay!

[imthemom]

the wedding was fun, very pretty bride and everyone had such a good time.
had to come home a little early to meet my son, he was with H while I was at wedding. H actually came in the house when he picked S up and I made sure I was looking cute, ready to go to the wedding. He didnt even notice but I felt better for it. S14 had an unbelievable day with his D. sent me a text: BEST DAY EVER!!..were goen mudden!! made my day and i was sure to forward it to H after he left from dropping him off.
Now im home and just so sad, the wedding was almost identical to ours and i cant stop thinking about him with her...he asked me to marry him 2 months after we met, hes been with her for longer then that and that terrifies me!!! yes, i know how irational that sounds....
I miss him so much and it just seems like he could care less about me, he is just being nice for our son...dont get me wrong, im soo happy he is makeing an effort in that area again. My S deserves it, but that doesnt make my hurt any less...the thought of him leaving here and just going off to be happy with her is killig me. I just keep wishing i could go back 6 months and change my actions and do things so different...and im never going to get that chance now.

[imthemom]

I dont know how im going to make it through this....how do you sit here knowing your husband is with OW and not go crazy?? Ive gone to bed so my son doesnt see me falling apart, but i am. I want to call him, but i know i cant, i want to tell him i love him..please dont do this to our family..but i cant.
I want my husband in my bed, not hers.
I miss him so bad...he will be here tomorrow morning to pick up S again..i dont think i can face him. Ive been crying all night, theres no way ill get any sleep. And the thought of watching him drive off again, ......
I just barely make it threw the week at work and now the weekend is over and its another week...and the holidays are here...i have no family in state..i have no one and he has her. I assume he will spend thanksgiving with her..what kind of woman does that????????
I have no idea who she is or were she came from but i hate her.
How do i except this and move on...this keeping hope is going to kill me..

[imthemom]

Sorry forgot to ask about this...
For the past 3 days...since i told him he could have the bed, theres a lot of back and forth texting going on...mainly about S but he, and i is adding little comments and cute jokes into them and they have been pretty constant all day up until about early evening, when i assume hes with her.
Ive been going with it and being chatty but it feels like hes pacifying me, he wants to be friends hes said and not have me mad. Its hard to go dark when hes going on about stuff....how should i handle this? Just go along, or ignore anything that doesnt pertain directly to S??
It doesnt help, gets my hopes up and then when he stops at night i go nuts cus i know its because hes with her. I dont contact him at night but my mind goes crazy.
He has not been served, still doesnt know ive filed and has not mentioned the papers he has since i caught him with her....im totally confused.

[25yearsmlc]

can't post much right now but will try to say a few things...

Sorry forgot to ask about this...
For the past 3 days...since i told him he could have the bed, theres a lot of back and forth texting going on...mainly about S but he, and i is adding little comments and cute jokes into them and they have been pretty constant all day up until about early evening,

this^^^ is positive and smart on your end. It cannot hurt you to be kind and banter about.

when i assume hes with her.

Do not assume he is with her AND OR that it's all fun and games with them. She has flaws you do not have and she has no history with him nor is she the mother of his child...

Stop negatively projecting. Put a stop sign in your mind when those thoughts come in...just STOP them in their tracks.

Ive been going with it and being chatty but it feels like hes pacifying me, he wants to be friends hes said and not have me mad.

They ALL say that!! Don't think punishing him will help you. Don't go there. His guilt is stronger than your kindness will erase--it's just the opposite.

The kinder you are (without being weird) the harder it is for him to do this. The angrier you get, the easier it is...

Its hard to go dark when hes going on about stuff....how should i handle this?

what "stuff"? IDK what you mean...is it R talk? IF so, LISTEN and get data...like you are on a spy mission to gather intel and "do recon"...it's valuable info for you, so decide nothing...just listen and process what you hear.

Just go along, or ignore anything that doesnt pertain directly to S??

see above^^^

It doesnt help, gets my hopes up and then when he stops at night i go nuts cus i know its because hes with her. I dont contact him at night but my mind goes crazy.

Get that stop sign out and take a sleeping pill!!!

He has not been served, still doesnt know ive filed and has not mentioned the papers he has since i caught him with her....im totally confused.

well that will change things, won't it? I would not hesitate to be kind then. When he sees those papers, HE will be confused AND HE will feel mislead.

So don't worry about "being too nice" while you know he's about to get papers.

We'll see how he handles it. But remember, if you filed for financial necessity, stay on message with that. Don't get derailed into defending yourself too much.

If you filed for other reasons, at some point you should address those but
IF THE MONEY ISSUE IS REAL,

then it's true.

And you had to do what you had to do.

[imthemom]

I literally dont know how I make it through the nights!!..Im so much better dureing the day, your right 25, my therapist has been trying to give me an Rx but ive refused. will be getting that on Monday!!
maybe finally getting some sleep will help with the clear headedness???
Ill be seeing him this morning and will not feel wierd about being nice anymore, He is making an effort to be friendly and im just going to go with it. We were best friends before we even started dateing...if we can get back to that maybe thats were we need to start, because like you said 25, she does not have a history with him nor a child...
please god..get me through this...

[imthemom]

really proud of myself this morning...:)
this DBing really does make you feel better about things. H was here this morning to pick S14 for the day again. that alone makes me happy, me S is so happy this past 2 days with all the time he is spending with his D. He came in since S was still not ready. I was dressed to go to church, went to check out a new service of a friend, so looked nice. He had been to an AA meeting (he goes to one every sun. am) so I asked how his meeting was, something i never do, not sure why. so we talked about his meeting and then asked about my FIL...he has skin cancer but is doing well.
it was a nice exchange...he offered to look at my truck that is giving me trouble so we went out and did that, he then offered to replace the part for me if I go pick it up. I felt really positive when they left, i still think he is just pacifying me but i guess theres something to be said about taking what you can get.
if nothing else my S was really happy..he was watching intently so I was glad we could be nice for him. I guess we will see how it goes at our Co Parenting meeting tomorrow.. that is were i usually hear the stuff i dont want to hear but im going to have a good attitude and approach it as what it is..a chance for us to work on what we can do to make this as easy as possible on our S.
we will be talking about how to handle sitting him down together and telling him that the D is going to happen. Im assumeing that is why there has been no talk of his papers. He is waiting for this meeting. That is not something i am looking forward to at all and have not pushed for it but he (H) has. Its going to be hard to tell S something like that knowing how he is going to react but i guess it is inevitable....
on the up side, he is not with her...and that is always a good thing in my book.