A fork in the road - EA admitted by wife

[NYCPeter]

Thanks for the reply - the permenant alimony would be because she needs to look after our D (or at least that's what my L told me her L will claim).

Why a firm BTW? The person I saw worked in a two-person firm locally, I've been told it's best to use someone in the local area (they know the judge etc)

GAL activity - I need to find time I recognize that, I think it's time to start going to the gym regularly again - I go off and on, but I need to make it a habit. I've always wanted to play a musical instrument - but neither of these create any "mystery".. Go to the movies on my own..

Hmmm, she must expect a huge increase in tips. 2/3 of divorced women find their standard of living goes DOWN post divorce and the others stay afloat with their own work and income...your w isn't be realistic.

She knows her standard of living will go down - but not to the degree it will. All the girls after-school and weekend activities will need to be pared back.

Can we afford the specialized Feldenkrais therapy for our daughter with CP that we pay for ourselves. All the trips we go on with the girls will need to be reduced.

To all the posters on my thread - a big thank you, it's the only thing that seems to keep me sane.

[Valeska19]

GAL activity - I need to find time I recognize that, I think it's time to start going to the gym regularly again - I go off and on, but I need to make it a habit. I've always wanted to play a musical instrument - but neither of these create any "mystery".

FWIW - I play the piano and when I separated from my w, it was the 1st thing she commented about when she found I started playing again.

Playing an instrument isn't mysterious.. it's sexy. Words from my w herself.

[BklynMom]

Quote: I asked her if the last few months had been like the rest of our M would she still be seeking a D. She said no

This is a very good sign. Walk towards the light. She does see hope. The d process is not that quick. You should be accomodating to your W that you are moving forward with the D that she initiated but make sure your L moves slowly. Maybe tell your W you are still interviewing L when in fact you already found one that you like.

The quote above shows that she has seen a change. Keep it Up! Dont Give Up!! This is not easy. You are doing this not only for yourself but for you 2 girls - they would tell you to keep fighting.

As far a GALing. Try a support group. I like ALANON but there are so many. They are usually free or cheap and its instant friends. In the NY area there are so many meetings you can def. create some mystery around them. Dont tell your W its a support group cause thats not very sexy.

Keep it Up!

[workinghardguy]

Thanks for mentioning that... it reminded me that I've been playing email tag with a piano tuner for two weeks now. We have a piano, it's mine from when I was a kid. I'm rusty but down deep a good piano player (10 years of lessons has to have some value, right?). And my W is a HUGE music fan. She's never even heard me play. I just can't bring myself to play it right now because it's so far out of tune it's painful to listen to.

Just forwarded that email exchange to my work addy so I can follow-up on Monday!

[NYCPeter]

Quick journal -

Had a good night, girls came home from grandparents around 4:00 yesterday - We played the wii and walked in the walker (my D9 fav activity) - W was at work.

I fell asleep on couch - woke up at 2:00am, D9 was awake and I carried her up to spare room (it's become a nighly ritual that she wakes up and we need to settle her down again).

I fell asleep alongside D9, then woke at 4:00am - W was in bed. She started coughing when I got into bed - I said "Good Night" - W turned around kissed me on forehead and put her arm on me.

One thing I've noticed since revealing of EA - My W is telling me where she is going / what she is doing - Couple of examples,
1. She went to the mall after lunch yesterday "Just exchanging a shirt and picking up some food"
2. Text last night (I read this AM) - "Everyone having one more for daylight savings - be home soon".
I think she's making sure that I don't think she's with OM.

Taking the girls horseback riding this AM - My W has said she wants to come aswell - pretty rare event.

God I hope she cancels the L appt on 15th, but given yesterday's house conversation I don't think that will be the case.

[sandi2]

"Everyone having one more for daylight savings - be home soon".
I think she's making sure that I don't think she's with OM.

Would that matter to her if you thought she was with OM? What would be the consequences for her if you found out she was with him?

If her plans are to see a L on the 15th, then I don't understand why there would be a pretense from your W.

Just wondering.

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks for the reply - the permenant alimony would be because she needs to look after our D (or at least that's what my L told me her L will claim).

Alimony is spousal support. Child support is for the child, and it CAN go for life if the child is disabled. That's true. I submit what your L meant is that CS could go on permanently due to your CP child. But I would not call that alimony unless there are some favorable tax implications. However I'd only defer to a CPA or lawyer who really knows their stuff on all these issues.

It's possible calling it alimony is good for you tax wise but I do NOT know. However, true alimony would end if she were to remarry. But why would that occur if it's for the child? Hence my contention that child support is the more accurate term. IS it possible you misunderstood the L"s words?


Why a firm BTW? The person I saw worked in a two-person firm locally, I've been told it's best to use someone in the local area (they know the judge etc)


You want both a firm AND one with local experience. Are your ONLY options tiny practices there?

A firm has the resources to go to trial (for bluffing purposes if nothing else.) Since I don't know your state, I don't know if adultery is grounds for divorce either.

A firm has the resources to determine the relevance of that, AND to get proof if needed, and they'd KNOW the tax implications b/c one or more of their Ls woud focus on that, AND they're MORE likely to have experienced more of the judges unless they are "hotshots" from the big city that turn off the locals. I don't know what type of town you live in. I'd also ask if the L has ever filed an appeal after losing.

Also keeping up with the latest rulings/holdings by courts is time consuming.
It's simply easier for more than one, to do so. It's nice to have conference rooms where all the L's can talk about each case. Not just one guy down the hall to ask. I might feel differently if the Div L is older, and well respected and has gotten several good verdicts for his/her clients OR if they are active in the bar. Like getting the head of the Family Law Division for the local bar, HELPS...
Are you saying that your town is so small there are only small firms?

A solo practioner MAY keep up with all of the recent rulings and holdings, but I'm saying it's just that, GENERALLY, 10 heads are better than 2.

Last year I worked out of state on a case that finally made its way up to the appellate court. (NOT a divorce case). What continually surprises me is how incompetent some of the solo practioners still are.

The pleadings had "cut and paste" paragraphs that made me literally slap my forehead and say "OMG"...some of the paragraphs conflicted with others, so apparently they didn't read them OR understand them OR care???

They had either NOT read the opponent's pleadings or something b/c the opponent had focussed on ONE issue, clearly. Instead of responding to THAT issue, the defense just blathered on missing the entire point that had been shoved in their face over a YEAR earlier...took me 5 hours to fix what they had on their desk for 14 months...(and which they took credit for, but that's another ethical issue).

They malpracticed and they still do.

I do health care law & I recently met a lawyer there who settled a brain damaged baby case for 40k....yeah, NOT 40 MILLION, 40 thousand....b/c I GUESS it was easier than hiring an expert and spending his own money to figure out that the REAL costs of raising that child would be exponentially higher than his shamefully lazy settlement. He bragged that he took care of it in 3 days...(absolutely malpractice).

My point in bashing my own profession is not to toot my horn. But just to say it's far more prevalent than people realize.

IN contrast lawyers, sue doctors for malpractice even for simple mistakes that anyone could make. And which happens MUCH LESS b/c there are more checks and balances and generally doctors are more detail oriented than lawyers but also b/c lawyers protect themselves w/favorable legislation more than doctors.

You can lower the risk of laziness or incompetence (though never eliminate it) by having more than one lawyer involved AND OR getting more than one referral that says "He/She did great for me!" There ARE some great solo lawyers...but you;re risking more in general. Just make sure you have a darn good reason for hiring whomever you hire.

And ask them if they have EVER gone to trial for divorce. It's NOT common - but you want to know they're willing to. A firm is far more intimidating than a small 2 person office if it comes to that. So for purposes of negotiating, I'd rather have a big guns firm representing me, than a small firm with 2 guys who "know" the judge. The 2 guys are going to be wary of losing in front of those 2 judges too, and they'll know that if it comes to resources, the big firm has them and they don't.

As for knowing the judge, in some states it won't matter if there's no trial.

NOW I have to back off of saying too much b/c I don't want to "advise" you in any specific way. I don't know what state you are in but I'm betting I'm not licensed in it. So

get a good L you trust, and stick with them. But interview THEM and realize they are NOT all alike. I have been sorely disappointed in the things I've seen lately in my own profession. I just deleted a whole section of this post b/c it got too off track w/examples.

GAL activity - I need to find time I recognize that, I think it's time to start going to the gym regularly again - I go off and on, but I need to make it a habit. I've always wanted to play a musical instrument - but neither of these create any "mystery".. Go to the movies on my own..

musical instrument? Way cool... do you sing? How about a band? Try to do something also that involves others. Maybe playing w/others? Or attend a seminar, even a one day one. And a class even if only once a month, you CAN do more of those than you are realizing....wine tasting or a cooking class/language class, automotive, woodwork, art, metalwork, etc. Theater is a great one but requires getting a sitter for rehearsals...live theater, exhibits, etc.

Movies on your own? Fine...but do you have any pals or friends? You need to. It's a big issue and you have to make it happen. Are you in your original hometown? You'd be surprised at how often some high school buddies are in your area even if you have moved.

I went to my class reunion and learned that I have about 5 friends (2 of whom I was once very close to) within 2 hours of me. We have met for dinner now twice and did a day activity too. It was SO FUN and affirming to be around someone who really has known you a long time AND STILL LIKES YOU...

Hmmm, she must expect a huge increase in tips. 2/3 of divorced women find their standard of living goes DOWN post divorce and the others stay afloat with their own work and income...your w isn't be realistic.

She knows her standard of living will go down - but not to the degree it will. All the girls after-school and weekend activities will need to be pared back.

Can we afford the specialized Feldenkrais therapy for our daughter with CP that we pay for ourselves. All the trips we go on with the girls will need to be reduced.

Try not to be the messenger of that directly. If your r's with the family are solid enough, maybe they'll be able to "splain to her the realities...


But know that she WILL learn this. But til then, you'll be doing a lot of GAL and DBing while the rest of the information she needs, gets to her and THEN Sinks in...that takes time. As hard as this is to believe, in my opinion, time is on your side.

Do you see why? She has a lot to learn about the downsides of her choice. She doesn't know them yet...only TIME will teach her that.

Meanwhile, YOU will become a man only a fool would leave.

YOU will be GAL and the concept of her losing you, as you become the man she always wanted...

will seep in...and others will stare at her choices and NOT all of them will support it. A few, mainly family, will tell her she's making a mistake. But Understand that women are reluctant to tell friends outright, that they are making a mistake, but that is NOT "supporting" the choice.

Your w's waitress friend's who are all divorced and drinking and partying and meeting guys at bars....will wear thin soon enough.

Frankly, if those women could have what they really wanted, it'd be what your w could have at home. Children who love them, and a man they can count on.

Most women want a man who can provide for his family, is kind and interested in what she has to say, shows love, is a good father, and can have fun.

When other women realize YOU are that man, and she has left you, she'll get some feedback from the world (or by a blunt friend.) Better yet she may realize it on her own as she sees that the grass is greener where it gets the most water.

How severely disabled is your d, btw?


To all the posters on my thread - a big thank you, it's the only thing that seems to keep me sane.

((( )))

[NYCPeter]

I'll get 25's responses later today.

I found a receipt for a Comfort Inn for earlier this month in a drawer. One night when the girls were at the lake and my W was joining them after work.

Erm - can anyone say PA.

[25yearsmlc]

I'll get 25's responses later today.

I found a receipt for a Comfort Inn for earlier this month in a drawer. One night when the girls were at the lake and my W was joining them after work.

Erm - can anyone say PA.

what, if anything, does this change? I'm just asking.

I know you are in PAIN and I get that. Try not to react to it --- do not say something or do anything you'll regret later.

You can always yell and scream LATER...you can shelve the anger for NOW and express it later

but you cannot unring the bell or take some words back...

think before you act or talk about it

[NYCPeter]

I want to find out what has happened.
I want to know why she keeps lying to me.
I want to know if it's ongoing - I am not going to be the spare part in this marraige.
She is paying by CC (my money) - to sleep in a hotel with some guy, please!