OK, GW... hopefully I can help with a bit of clarity, although what ROMB and dbmod provided above are things that you will want to revisit...
Understand that bomb drops have usually been in the works for a while. So your W has probably been stewing about how, when, and whether to tell you that she's "done" for months if not years. And when there's an A (whether E(motional) or P(hysical)) as is in your case, you can probably be sure that this has been going on longer than you think or is MORE than you think.
You are past the "work on things" stage as your W has dropped the bomb. So your DBing efforts (the things to help "save" you and your M) need to be a little more reflective.
There is very little you can do about the OM, because what we find is that generally speaking, the spouse in an A will either deny it, downplay it, or go further underground with it. But your W will either believe your drove her to it, or she isn't actually doing anything wrong, since in her mind, your M is over...
The more you resist what SHE wants, the less effective you will be at DBing.
Many LBS in your situation find the best results are when the LBS works on themselves and becomes a better H, father, person... one only a fool would leave...
You sound like you have been working on yourself, but if you read your initial post, you might notice that most of this stuff is focused on your W.
The best sales technique is the take away.
If you become a fantastic guy, functioning in an independent way (not dating or anything, but just living single for the most part) your W WILL notice and may begin to question why she would leave such a great guy...
