I asked my W if she was going to go trick or treating with us. She responded with "can I?" Me: why not Her: Didn't think u want to see me
I had gone dark. I'm nice when I see her, but I do avoid seeing her when possible. For example, if she drops something by the house I'll have my neighbor pick it up. Frankly, it kills me to see her. Especially knowing she is trying to date other people.
How/should I respond? I WANT to see her. But it hurts and I'm trying to give her distance. Which she doesn't seem to be responding to.
I should also mention seems has always thought I was mad at her...I always felt that it was out of guilt....so she may think I'm mad. But I don't want to pursue. The last time we talked, a month ago, I told her to go ahead and divorce me. I was angry. Honestly, I'm so scared of making the wrong move that I'm not making any moves.
David becareful as to what you ask for. I told my W to D me and she filed and got served and it is full steam ahead. MWD says if you don't know what to do "do nothing". You need to detach emotionally. I know it is hard but practice it. It may get easier with time and practice. My W is not responding either but it is very early in the process. So keep working on yourself. Act as if she is not coming back and she may be drawn back to you.Hang in there
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
The last couple of days has been strange to say the least. Here's what has happened:
asked W if she was going to go trick-or-treating with the kids and I (I had them on Halloween). Check three posts up for the story.
W came over to drop something off for the kids. We talked a bit and I told her that I wasn't mad at her at all...Just giving her space like she asked for
Halloween...she came over after work. She chuckled at me when she saw me in my Angry Birds costume. I knew she was laughing because is the first year in my entire life that I dressed up for Halloween. I jokingly asked if she was making fun of me, she said no, she thinks it's cute.
Anyway, she met a friend when trick-or-treating, but spent most of the time with the kids and I...which shocked me as she hasn't done that in awhile. She text messaged on her phone a lot, but who knows what that was all about.
My W got fired from her job the next day. She text messaged me telling me all about it. I asked if I could call her in a bit because I couldn't text as I was at work. She said yes...we talked about her job and a bit of other stuff.
My oldest D received straight A's on her report card and won and award for her grades and behavior. To celebrate we ate out and I let her pick the place. Since the W and i were getting along better, and she just lost her job, I asked her if she wanted to come. To my surprise she said yes. We had a good time. I paid for everything and she later thanked me via text. I thanked her for coming and told her that our D really enjoyed it.
She was commenting on how she thinks a filling in her tooth came out and is infected...she's was in terrible pain. Knowing she doesn't have $$ or a job I offered to pay for her to go to the dentist. She declined and I told her to let me know if she changes her mind, and then I let it drop. I would have done that for any friend...which is how I am approaching all of this...as if we are just friends.
At dinner I realized that I had to take my D to school the next morning and I told my boss that I'd be in early that day. W offered to come by the house early in the morning and get the kids ready and off to school so I wouldn't be late for work.
D's award ceremony was today, which I could not attend due to work. W went though. She text messaged me multiple pictures and three videos. Very odd. I thanked her.
W text messaged me and asked me if I could get the kids because she couldn't take the pain anymore and was going to the hospital. No problem on my end, so I dropped by her place, helped her take some laundry up to her apartment, and took the kids. I asked her if she needed a ride to the hospital and she declined. I then asked her to call someone to pick her up if they gave her some meds that made her drowsy. I told her that I could do it if she needed.
W text messaged me after hospital visit. Part of her tooth broke off and the nerve is exposed...it is also infected. She told me she didn't cash her check today and asked if I could give her some money to pick up the antibiotic and pain medicine they prescribed her. Of course, as I would with any other friend, I told her sure. I didn't have cash so she took my debit card. She told me that she'd drop the card off as soon as she got her meds. The pharmacy is by her house and rather than her going there, then coming back to my place and then back to her place, I told her to just go home and get some rest...I'll pick up the card tomorrow morning when I drop off our D.
Again, I'm trying to approach this whole thing as if we are just friends. I know this sounds a bit negative, but I am acting as if she already has a boyfriend, has file filed for divorce and completely uninterested in her and I being a couple. I do not want to even remotely look like I am pursuing because, if she does want to work on us, then changes her mind again, she'll claim that I manipulated her and made her feel guilty. I know MLCers go off of feelings so things can change at the drop of a hat.
I did not have any plans of contacting her while she has the kids (Wed, Thurs, Fri, Sat) and only contacting her asking what time we could swap the kids. Well, until the whole hospital thing came up.
Am I giving too much? Am I overdoing it? Is she cake-eating? Like I said, I only offer to do stuff that I would offer to any other friend. If she declines, I drop it and never mention it again. Even with her driving home from the hospital, I asked her to at least call someone and not attempt to drive home. Believe me, I would love to take the kids for the rest of the week, bring her soup, movies and let her rest the rest of the week. I would like to take care of her, but I can't.
Hey David- You are doing a great job! Just read a little of your sitch and your wife definitely seems warmer then a few weeks ago Looks like going dark or dim really helped now she feels safer with you and believes that you are not constantly trying to get back together.
But right now you are walking on egg shells. - you never know. I totally understand.
It doesnt feel like you are over doing it yet but its definitely good that you dont call her over the next few days and you havent said the awful words ILY. But it so tricky you just never know. I think its too early to know if she is cake eating - doesnt seem like it cause you helped her in very tough circumstances not like everyday she comes over and you make her dinner.
I think you are doing great... you always need to test the water very slowly ... and until she indicates it too much you sloooowly dip your foot in.
Good luck
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Thank you for the kind words BklynMom. I think it's weird that we can go so long without talking then all of a sudden we talk and see each other every day. I do agree that she is feeling safer with me. Honestly, I think that I feel more secure and confident in myself than what she does with herself. I believe she is seeing some changes, but isn't quite sure yet. There's a part of me that is getting the sense that she is maybe, kinda, sorta, possibly entertaining the idea that on some very, very small level she could have microscopic remnants of an idea than she may have some feelings for me still. Then again, she's done some things that I never thought she would do...so who knows.
Personally, I'm not ready to jump back into the relationship. I would love to be back together again, but I have too many things that I would like to continue working on for myself. IF we ever thought of getting back together again I would like to start by committing to each other not to date and continue to work on ourselves. We don't have to talk everyday, just take it a day at a time. When we're ready to move on to the next level, we'll both know and we'll move there. I want to re-date her and woo her all over again. I don't want the same depressing marriage we had before. I want a new one. I want to get to know her all over again.
That may be the furthest thing from her mind right now. It needs to be the furthest thing from my mind too. It's hard not to get antsy and hopeful right now...I've read too many posts to fool myself thinking that this could possibly be something. I've got to focus harder on me...if not, I could be setting myself up for some more pain and delay any chances of reconciliation.
Had an emotional day today. W called me and asked me if I could watch the kids for her tonight because the pain pills they gave her make her drowsy and she didn't want to be out of it with the kids in the house. Plus, she has a job interview tomorrow morning and a dentist appointment tomorrow at 2. Which means I'll probably have the kids tomorrow night too....that makes me happy.
On the positive side, she called me rather than texting me. I guess that is progress. I don't know if it's from seeing her lately or if it the reality of her possibly not feeling the same way towards me as I do her is getting to me...but, I'm down.
I'm wondering if this ever gets easier. I know time heals, but if I'm still doing this a year from now will I still feel the pain that I feel now?
In my last post, I mentioned something about my wife needing me to watch the kids because the pain pills she was taking make her drowsy. What I did not mentions that I bought those pills and an antibiotic for her....and some gas. She went to her dentist appointment on Friday and they told her they would have to pull the tooth and to come back on Saturday.
Saturday morning she text messaged me and asked how she was going to pay for her dentist appointment today. Let me rewind a couple days...I told her if she needed to see a dentist I would pay for it...which she said no...then I told her to let me know if she changes her mind.
Back to present day, I wasn't expecting to pay for Saturday's appointment, but I called the dentist and had them put it on my card. They called back to tell me the total and that they are not going to pull it, but they are going to do something else instead. The mentioned that my W told them that her husband would be taking care of the bill...she actually acknowledged that we are married.
She is now communicating with me more. She gives me little updates here and there and she sends me pictures of the kids everyday. Her text messages are less formal and slightly personal (i.e. I asked her a question and she responded with "no, silly"...like old times). She also calls me when it has to do with the kids...which she could easily text. One time she called me, I ignored it. She called me a minute later, I ignored it. Then she called me again, so I answered thinking it was an emergency... it wasn't.
I'm thinking this is all fine and dandy, but tonight she asked me to watch the kids because her and her mom are going somewhere. I've had the kids every night (except Friday night...which my oldest stayed at a friend's house) this week. Now I get them until Wednesday. I offered to let the W have the kids for a couple days since she didn't get to see them this week. She said that she gets to watch them all day (remember, she was fired from her job so she watches them rather than me taking them to daycare) and they sleep at my house at night. So she's cool with that.
So here is where I need some advice...It seems to me that I'm being treated more like an ATM machine and babysitter service. We started talking a day or two before she had the tooth problem, so I can't say with 100% certainty that she is just being nice so I'll pay for everything. Her mother does this stuff to her dad all the time. She feels he owes it to her. I feel like that: a.) I didn't leave, my W did. b.) I didn't get fired from my job, my W did. c.) I pay for all the bills we accumulated as a couple, and I still pay for her car insurance and other goodies. d.) I lost health insurance because of this.
All I know is that she is nice to me right now, but she's also getting medical bills paid, and free time as I'm watching the kids. Which brings me to my next point. My head is going crazy thinking about her going out with other guys and stuff while I'm watching the kids. Even tonight, she's going out with her mom...it's late, so I know they are hitting up the bars. I ran across her profile on two dating sites. I told her she didn't have to lie to me about that stuff. She told me that she's thinking of taking them down because the only people that reply are [censored] or [censored].
My emotions are going crazy. My brain tells me to pull back and go dark...not fully dark like before, but enough to make her pursue me if she really wants to talk to me. Is this the right thing to do? I'm afraid that me paying for her dental stuff can be perceived as pursuing. I'm sure many of you have gone through this exact situation or something similar. How do you tell if it's real progress? Is going dark again a good thing? Being around her again and not knowing what is really happening is bringing out a lot of pain again. I want to run away, but I also don't want to mess this up if this is real progress.
Do you really feel like you are being taken advantage of? Or are you reacting and unconsciously thinking of punitive action on your W?
The question to ask yourself at this time is, "What I DO... will it help, hurt or have no effect on the sitch?"
I would be with my kids every day if I could, but I can't. Personally, I would consider it my gain. While you may feel like a babysitter and you're enabling your W... you could simply change your perspective of having quality time with your kids...
But...
Certainly take time for yourself. If you can, try to plan at least one or two evenings out for your personal GAL activities...
Unless you feel you need to go dark for your own personal, emotional security... then just keep doing what you're doing...
But otherwise, live an "as if" life... You don't have to give your W money left, right and centre... but I don't see a problem "lending" her the money for the dentist...
Do you really feel like you are being taken advantage of? Or are you reacting and unconsciously thinking of punitive action on your W?
I'm sorry. I'm not really sure what you mean by this.
I didn't intend to make it sound like that I'm being taken advantage of. What I meant to imply was that I am confused and wondering if she is just being nice for the benefit of having someone watch the kids and pay her medical stuff. She also just lost her job, so she may be coming back to old reliable me to make herself feel better because she needs to feel wanted. To be fair, she may not be doing this at all.
I tend to analyze situations and look at all the possible scenarios. This is a good thing to do in my profession...not so much in this situation. It doesn't help that a lot of trust has been broken with the affair and other things.
Quote:
I would be with my kids every day if I could, but I can't. Personally, I would consider it my gain. While you may feel like a babysitter and you're enabling your W... you could simply change your perspective of having quality time with your kids...
Again, I didn't mean it the way it sounded. I LOVE having my kids with me. My concern is that she may be using me to watch the kids while she goes out and parties, dates, etc. Sometimes it gets a bit frustrating when I'm "doing her a favor" by watching the kids and she's out doing god knows what. It hurts.
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Unless you feel you need to go dark for your own personal, emotional security... then just keep doing what you're doing...
I feel like I should go dark for a number of reasons: 1.) I don't want it to seem as if I'm pursuing. 2.) I don't want to be around so much that I overwhelm her to the point that she panics and runs away. 3.) Last time we started talking like this she said that she really didn't want to but she felt guilty and sorry for me, so she did anyway. 4.) When we did this last time we ended up trying to work on "us". She then came back and said that I manipulated her into working on us. 5.) I do not have any clue how to read any of what's going on. If I back up a bit, and she still initiates contact, then maybe I can get a better read on it. 6.) If she is being nice simply because I'm paying for things then she will eventually disappear again until she needs something else. This is not easy for me so I am trying to protect myself from unnecessary pain. I'll never get over her if I keep letting myself be strung along.
Simply, I just don't know what is going on.
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but I don't see a problem "lending" her the money for the dentist...
Let's be honest here...I'm still madly in love with her. I can't stand to see her in pain. I know I'll never see a dime of this money again. I don't care about the money, I care about her.
