Living with groundlessness

[AntoniaB]

He AJ, thanks so much for saying that. I can "feel" differently all I want, but if someone outside me sees it in the things I'm saying or my actions, then it's not just me convincing myself but it's real.

I was reading about PTSD the other day when the cat first died because I was having all sorts of flashback-like symptoms to the time XH dropped the bomb. I read that the brain gets in a trauma loop, and it replays the trauma and the feeling of being a victim for up to years, and that often if the trauma is truly significant, the only way to break the loop (as it's a set of mind-body responses that are involuntary) is to confront the same sort of trauma in a clinical setting, usually led by a doctor/therapist, but to this time face the trauma and negotiate the way out. That breaks the chain of auto responses.

I truly believe that the death of this particular cat was a catalyst to me breaking the loop. Yes, I have felt in many ways like I am reliving the bomb drop. In fact I made an appt with my doctor and that's the reason I cited for going back after a 5 month break from sessions. I am re-experiencing all the emotions of the bomb drop and the feelings when I'm alone in my house. BUT. There is a shift.

The bomb drop caused me such trauma that I went into despair and suicidal thoughts. I had every range of emotions, but the emotion of being a victim was most dominant, the pull of ending it all bigger than anything else.

THIS time, the primary emotion is not victimhood. I'm not saying it's not there, or that I haven't thought "woe is me" or "why me" or "haven't I faced enough already while he just runs around carefree." But those emotions aren't in control. The emotion that IS in control this time is picking myself up and asking what am I supposed to be learning from this experience.

Despite feeling exactly the same as far as the insomnia, instant weight loss of 5 pounds in 5 days, and fixation on the events of the past few days, I got myself out of the house every day this week and did yard work, or went shopping, or went out to dinner. Today I finally slept and when I got up I cleaned my kitchen. After bomb drop I used every dish in the house and let it all pile up for days and days.

What I said when I was cleaning was "you've got to put it all back together again. And then it's going to fall apart again. And then you rebuild again. You don't have a choice. This is life."

I think I'm handling the death of the cat FAR better than I would have before only because I know for sure there was nothing I could do to save him and because it seems to have had a huge effect in terms of my recovery....so yeah...I am intending to stay on this path.