A fork in the road - EA admitted by wife

[25yearsmlc]

She will likely get permenant alimony (according to L) - it's up to the judge to decide how much there is no calculator (unlike child support).

I am a L but can't practice law here, ya know? So confirm anything with your L. I assume you are in NY? (Horrible state for divorce, only recently improved somewhat).
I have 2 sisters who had h's leave them and they got wildly varying settlements in different states.

In sister#1, she was m for 22 years, worked as an RN the ENTIRE M, put her h thru law school WHILE he did not work, and they had 3 kids. He left her for OW. She got $150 a month in alimony and he earned double her salary. The $150 ended when she remarried and she had to buy him out of the marital home.

Sister #2 never worked in their 13 year m, & had no kids. Her pilot h left her for OW. She gets 1/3 of his pension forever...go figure.

A 12 year marriage in most states would not give her permanent alimony (they mark it as half the life of the m here, so she'd get 6 years of it here.) BUT in any case she cannot remarry AND get alimony.

And a cohabitation clause means she cannot "rent it out" to her OM...or you can have it count as a marriage for purposes of alimony. Not all Ls write in those clauses and maybe your state doesn't have one but I'd be surprised.

I urge you to hire a L who specializes in family law, preferably at a firm, not a solo practioner. If you have questions as to why, I'll detail it more later...

But she can have the house---she'd just needs to buy you out, and have the mortgage be in HER name, and her salary and maybe a 2nd job, and your support can help pay that. (Yeah I bet she'll love that idea).

She thinks a combination of her parents, a tenant and the alimony / CS she will be able to afford it, which is possible BUT she cannot get a mortgage based on that criteria - she only works two nights a week and probably brings home $3-400. In theory no mortgage company wants a tennant anyway - you are breaking the contract.

Our mortgage / taxes combined come to $3.5k a month - with current strict lending, you need 8-9k a month income.

Sounds unrealistic of her and a real drag on her parents. She plans to wait tables 2 nights a week the rest of her life and thinks that will be satisfying AND pay her enough to live the way she wants? Hmmm, she must expect a huge increase in tips. 2/3 of divorced women find their standard of living goes DOWN post divorce and the others stay afloat with their own work and income...your w isn't be realistic.

you STILL have to back off otherwise. No pursuit or ILY's and NO ANGER....NONE...BE CALM--180 GALORE...

I know - I will do this, I WILL DO THIS.

Just the underlying feeling it's all too late. During one of our previous R talks - I asked her if the last few months had been like the rest of our M would she still be seeking a D. She said no - I asked her to think of our M as starting a few months ago. It was bad DBing, but she knows our M has been better - why still look for an exit?

I don't think it was bad DBing although I guess it was pursuit. But you know the old marriage is dead anyhow and you are recognizing that.

The information she has isn't all true. But you don't have to be the messenger of all that. You can keep it vague w/comments like "that's not what I heard from my research/lawyer but we'll see"...or whatever you choose. I just feel like she is putting the best case financial scenario as her assumption and I'm not confident of that.

But realize this--
it'll take time for the new "reality" information to sink in to her. She won't "get it" tomorrow. Or this week.

Meanwhile, you have to make marriage to you now and from this day forward, NOT look like a hellish alternative to her freedom/fantasy life.

That's why it's key for you to stay on top of the anger and give her NO fuel.
I know it's hard. It's like MOTHER TERESA HARD...but it might work.

i also think the GAL could work well for you, too. As logistically hard as it is, tell her you need a break now and then, there's too much pressure, etc. Or find a sitter yourself. But GAL at least one night Or afternoon a week.

Then GAL. Be mysterious about it. Allow her to ponder the possibility of OWs being interested in you....not that you'd notice...

In some ways the only thing that can get thru some WAwives is the idea of someone else getting their man --especially when that man has become the man they had wanted all along.

They tell themselves "it's too late for us" b/c they don't want to take a chance on things going back to what they were and then losing out on the chance they thought they had for "real happiness starting over." Or they think it'll take too much work without enough payoff...

but they don't YET know that a new R will also take work AND

when they see that the h's changes ARE REAL AND LASTING and now will go to someone else

and THE WAWs new life is not going to match up with the fantasy they were dreaming of....

then many re-think their plans...

So GAL, keep calm, lose the anger, work on YOU and creating a good life for yourself.

If your w had died and a few years had passed, and your life was a happy one, what would it look like?

envision that with some details...

and then see if you can create parts of it in your life now...