Grace, Love, Compassion, and Faith - Good Stuff

[Valeska19]

Val's long post part 2.

If you don't read part 1.. this may not make alot of sense.

So I called my mom to tell her how it went. We talked about how w could turn at any minute or this new w could be true. Only time will tell and only with God's help.

And as I was talking... I got mad. I screamed. I hit my steering wheel. Thankfully I had already parked my car

I have been praying for God to change w's heart. That the abuse would stop and she would just be nice to me.. And then when it happens.. I'm pissed!

And through this realization.. I lost it. I broke down and wept on the phone to my mother because I had realized my truth.

I say I want my w to get better... but ONLY if that means she comes back to me.

I'm angry that she is working on parts of her life besides our part rather than applaud the fact she is working on her life period.

I'm not letting go of my pain and using it to portray w in a negative light. I can't look at an event for what it is.. I try to twist it to a negative. I do this as a defense mechanism because for the longest time.. when I hoped with w, I was let down.

That means I'm not living "from this day forward".. I'm staying in the past.

Instead of Thanking God, I was mad at him. I sit there and say I want to love my w as god loves me. I want to love unconditionally....

...but I'm getting in the way of that. I don't love my wife as much as I say.. otherwise I wouldn't have these d@mn conditions.

So I don't know if I did the best at DBing yesterday.. but I know now what I do need to work on with her.

Because in my heart, I do want my w to be happy and healthy. If I was a b!tch.. I wouldn't have applauding her changes at all. I just need to get over myself and my hurt. I need to let go.

I need to be more humble. Yeah... I am changing. I feel that.. but I'm NOT doing it alone. Therefore if my w's heart is softening, if she is changing I have very little to do with it.

Get off your d@mn high horse Val!

Be thankful. Be thankful that there was NO abuse yesterday. No words of hate or anger. Be thankful that she gave me back the $500. Be thankful that she is respecting my space to figure out the car. Be thankful that the idea of splitting the car is 50/50 which is a very different place than she was at in mediation 6 wks ago.

Be thankful that she is changing
Be thankful that I am changing
and whether or not we get back together, our dynamic IS changing.

I'm not beating myself up here.. just realizing where I need to grow. I don't think I can stop this D.. but that's not really the point anymore.

I don't need to be married or with my w to unconditionally love her.

I don't need to be married or with my w to change our dynamic.

I don't need to be married or with my w to become a better wife.

I feel like this may be a huge change of perspective for me. One that will surely be hard to see at times, but one I think will be an awesome way to heal.