empowerment over, just had H pack his bags

[25yearsmlc]

just a correction

I HAVE read your whole thread. I posted on it on the other thread you had.

You admitted that you hated where you were living b/c you felt isolated, although the kids loved their home and school. YOU wanted to move to your hometown before all the marital problems arose, and you resented moving twice for his career. From my military wife's perspective, 2 moves in 10 years is frickin' enviable.

But I think you are having your own MLC. I really do.

You are at a crossroads and there are things you wanted to do that being married to a cop hindered. Now you have ample family support so you can pursue the new interests you have.

When I gave advice to new widows in the military, the first piece was to make NO BIG DECISIONS for at least 6 months...but a year was preferable.

you made several huge commitments in a matter of days or 2-3 weeks.
It's clear you bolted and used the affair as the trigger.

You also expressed concern that being "kind to him" might mean you have forgiven him, and you wanted it to be clear that you were NOT doing that...

what an oddly telling concern to have.

What's not clear is what you meant by saying, before, that you were working on yourself.

What did that mean? What flaws were you working on in YOU? Are you still working on them?

What have you taught the kids about how to own their mistakes when they make them, if making them is an irrevocable unforgivable act?
I mean, if I were one of them, I would NOT want to get caught or admit anything. I'd fear "never being seen in the same way again", like their father is. Like it could never be forgotten.

The one piece of advice our marrying priest gave us (that I actually recall) was about deceit. We KNOW not to lie,

but he said "and Don't give your spouse a reason to lie - by over reacting to their mistakes and flaws, which we ALL make and have."

It's not that you didn't take him back that bothers me. It's the speed in which you acted and still blamed it all on him, when it's obvious you wanted out of that area anyhow. So Your utter refusal to own ANY of this bothers me.

And you seem to be surrounding yourself with peoplee who confirm and validate that, "it's ALL his fault" when in fact you made choices to leave even after he stepped up.

I think you like being single. Why not admit that?

The kids want him in their lives and he wants to be in theirs, but that's not what matters the most to You, now. But You accused him of being that way before.

Can you see that in some ways, You have switched places with your h? IT is not uncommon for the LBSer to turn into the WAS.

It happens.

But stop blaming him, now. B/C The fact is, no matter what HE does or says, or for how long, you want to be free now. That cannot be his fault anymore.

So own it, face it, and feel the empowerment you speak so much of.

otherwise you are still playing the victim and making it about your pain and his actions. It's not.