Grace, Love, Compassion, and Faith - Good Stuff

[Valeska19]

Thanks JS.

This will probably be a long post. I would like some thoughts from vets on this board. I'm sure I also deserve some 2x4s.

Met with W yesterday at the bank. I was really nervous and was scared... so I was quiet. My w tried to make small talk. I did my best to keep the answers short. I answered them but didn't say more or ask about her day.

When we split the account, she gave back the $500 she took from our account in July without telling me. The amount that I froze the account for.

Went to her car to exchange things. Told her I took stuff out of the storage unit and she asked what about the camping stuff that was ours. I said I took what I wanted from it. She said ok.

So I turn to walk away and she stops me. Hesitates.. and I ask "what?". She said I seem defensive and angry.. and that she doesn't know why.. "You don't have to tell me but if you want to tell me what's on your mind, I'm here to listen".

I was super shocked.

My w has never pursued me at all in the last 8 months. Has made no attempt to hear me (without me saying it first) or running after me. I'm not sure she was..maybe just shocked by my approach to distance myself. I honestly don't know if was a good thing or a bad thing.

I wanted to walk away.. but I couldn't. I wasn't being angry or defensive and although I am a believer of DB techniques.. I also believe in God and opening doors.

I told her that I wasn't either of those things and explained that I was just trying to respect her new relationship with me. That I needed to accept that she doesn't want me in her life, and so I'm trying to make that as my truth.

She said she didn't know how else to do this divorce. I asked what did she mean? She said that she doesn't know what a relationship with me looks like. She's trying to set boundaries, separate our lives, move forward. There are so many times she wants to know how I'm doing, what I'm working on.. but she doesn't say anything. (I don't necessarily think she was talking romantically.. more of a friendship)

But her emotions are all over the place when it comes to me. She doesn't know how she is going to treat me, she doesn't know how will treat her. Nothing is consistent.

She said it's a grey area and she doesn't like grey. I said I understood. I said that we knew what the past 8 months looks like. She agreed. And I was like well only we can decide if the other is worth it to get out of the grey.

She told me that I keep saying it's about my worth but that it isn't for her and it never was. That she has so many emotions. She's scratching the surface of them.. but isn't dealing with them yet. She has alot to forgive herself for and she's sure there is stuff she needs to forgive me for as well.

We dropped it for awhile. Talked about life. She said that I seemed like I had alot of my plate. I said I did. She asked if I wanted to share.

I said.. yes.. but that I couldn't.. because tomorrow I would wake up and she wouldn't talk to me. I couldn't do that to myself. She said that she was fighting wanting to know so she could fix it. Caz that's what we've always done.

I said yes except I still wanted to be there for her and she still goes through life not wanting or needing to open up to me.. which is fine but I can't do it the same old way any more.

Went back to talking about life. It started to rain and she was like "You are going to have to get closer if you want to share my umbrella".

She did throw out a couple digs. About my mother being sooo thrilled that I've gone back to church or that I'm sooo busy I must be rolling in the doe. I let the comments roll off my back.

She told me about her struggles in OA. She made a pretty big realization about being a "good OAer" vs working the program. I applauded and said that was huge that she recognized it and changed it.

We talked about my positive changes and God. She kept pushing on settling the cars. Finally I said.. "I don't make any decision about you or us without talking to God first. I have alot of feelings and I don't want to hurt you or myself so I need time to work through it with him before I can make a decision.. so you and I am going to have to wait".

She said that was fine.. that she realized that this is all on God's timeline (something I said months ago to her). When I had my answer to let her know.


So an hour later I ended the conversation. We hugged very deeply and I got in my car.

30 minutes later she texted me.

w: I'm glad we stayed and chatted. It was good to connect with you.
m: (5 hrs later) Me too. on both. Hope you have a great weekend and you feel better.

I have a whole other post about my reaction to this afterwards. Pretty revealing stuff.

I know not to look into it. There are a ton of info there and a ton of positives there.. but the D is still moving forward.

I'm not really sure if what I am doing is working or what...

End part 1