I think my wife's main complaint with me--about my boozing/doping-- was something she said once when she was crying. She said, "I just don't know why this isn't enough for you."
yeah.. d amn my eyes.. but,
could you articulate how she might frame the main obstacle from her perspective? What's the real deal-stopper for her?
and what that means to you?
are you still angry with her? what were you bottling up when ya'll went to counseling: that you sabotaged yourself? and then again vacillated when she wanted to re-marry?
what can she find in you that is edifying and freeing toward her own well-being? Do you honestly want to see her fulfill her dreams/goal toward the pharmacist training? Does she have any substance abuse proclivity? I've been in very demanding therapies the last few years with a wide slice of my peers.. I met a lot of impaired pharmacists.
I haven't posted about my own situation here because frankly, I was just too broken.. had the desire.. couldn't find the language:(see d amn my eyes above)
but I spent many dark nights reading and praying here--between fits of desire to claw my d amn eyes..
but as much as I detested me without her, I didn't want her to come home just to continue living in my own inimitable retrograde ever again.. regardless. I had to turn a corner that looked something like: "If that means leaving me.. honestly.. I understand.. and by the way, bless your beautiful heart" (type thing).
brother, you sound like you've some real issues to settle for yourself. Hopefully some of the women here will speak with you about the infidelities on both your parts. You do see --how to a woman-- a substance abuse habit is something like a mistress?
I admire your honesty about the psychic thing. Obviously you're aware of a spiritual dimension; but an obscure and unreliable 'knowledge' that is potentially confusing or harmful doesn't sound like your best bet. A psychic input is a roll of the dice, so to speak, that can come up snake eyes.
Perhaps you're beginning to define some of what you truly believe in this sense. But, isn't there a firmer spiritual reality that informs you about yourself, your w, and the world?
