One of the things we did as part of our piecing, is that we agreed that I would never escalate physical affection, and that I would not initiate ML, the frequency would be up to her.
To me this sounds wonderful - it shows such caring on your part. I had a thought that maybe you could continue alternating with "her" weeks and "your" weeks. So it's not like, ok we tried that and now we need to get busy and ML. Give her her turns indefinitely.
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even talking about ML at all makes her either angry, or makes her want to cry.
There's a lot of fear and hurt there. Probably thinking that she hasn't met your expectations all these years hurt her self-esteem. It definitely made me feel bad and inadequate when I wasn't happy with our sex life.
I think a possible key is to realize you can't make her like sex more, and you can't make her think a certain way. You can present to her the impact her behavior has on you - that if she could get help working through her fears and anxieties you'd feel it was a tremendous act of love for you.
Negotiating is important too - if you get her to agree to something that she then feels resentful about, there wasn't really a successful negotiation, she just backed down. Her need to not ML is as legitimate as your need to ML, and you've got to meet her needs in the negotiation as well as yours. Her needs could change but you can't just tell her they're not valid.
Have you been to MC together? That could be a place to start where she might later become more comfortable with the idea of IC. (It worked that way for me.) If the purpose is to go get her to want to ML, she might resist the idea, but if the purpose is to help you and her communicate your needs better and negotiate so that your M meets both of your needs as best as it can, maybe that's not so threatening.
I wish I had better answers for you, but I only can tell you what I would think or feel in similar situations. I think you have a lot going for your M now, and patience on this issue could help generate the goodwill required for her to want to get help just to benefit you and your M. I'll think more and be happy to share my viewpoint more if it helps.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
