alcoholic H decided he wants D

[verycrazy]

Hi, itm, I can understand your not giving him a bed the two of you have slept on. He should buy a new one, and he should understand why. If he doesn't, he is really clueless. I would not have let my H take our bed away to sleep on with ow.

Good you're not having him served at work; saving him that embarrassment.

Who knows how he will react? You did what you felt you had to do, so now he has the next move.

Do something nice for yourself.
vc

[Valeska19]

IM,
25 made some great points. You are walking a very fine line. The line between enabling vs. helping, caretaking vs. care giving, tough love vs. anger.

Only you can truly answer your intentions to recent decisions.

We can all speculate.. I speculate you did a little of both sides of the fence. It's easy to do. It's like a pendulum and when we realize we are ALWAYS at one side, our first act is to go the far other end.

Eventually we will learn that it's somewhere in the middle. We learn that through out mistakes. We learn that through our triumphs.

The line will get wider with time.. but until then.. do everything you can to keep your eyes on it.

(((( ))))

[imthemom]

To be honest i dont know what im doing...my husband is telling people he has a girlfriend, my son is devistated because hes figureing out that his family is blown to hell and i feel like its everything i did wrong that caused this..and would do anything to fix but theres nothing i CAN do.....
Im beyond devistated and all i can picture is him sitting on a couch right now watching tv with his arm around some women ....and god knows what next..
I know i screwed up, i know its prob to late and i know i should have figured this out a ling time ago...
Lucky her...i guess my sons and i are just road kill..
Welcome to my pity party..

[imthemom]

Did some minor damage control last night...after doing some seriouse thinking on things...I get that I dont want to be the bitter shrew everytime we have to speak, thats not going to attract him to his family, but the idea that he gets to treat his family like this and I have to smile and say Have a nice day just really is hard for me to wrap my head around.
I understand my share in this and have owned it, at times more then others, but have yet to even see an incling of ownership on his part. that makes being susie sunshine very difficult.
Anyway, i also came to the realization that he is going to see her with or without a bed and really...if I have to look at that bed with the disgusting sheets on it one more time in my garage im going to do seriouse damage to something, so i sent him a message and said he could have the bed, maybe it will remind him of me ????...wow, i still cant wrap my head around it.....
so hows that for a 180...he has to be seriousely shocked..he knows me well enough to know how that is not what i would normally do, burn it in his front yard? yeah...but hand it over with a smile?? no way...
after that we were actually able to have a little back and forth about nothing really but just kind of teasing each other about work this morning by text. so I feel like Im back on track...no more calling his OW names and pushing him into her arms...she is not going to take him from me if I can help it...the only thing that I really cant fix is the fact that now that he doesnt really have much at the house, he is not home at night anymore, obviousley hanging at hers so that kind of bit me in the butt.
I hope he doesnt move in with her...that would be the end of me.

[mishka422]

I hope he doesnt move in with her...that would be the end of me.

Not necessarily. Trust me. Sometimes that is when the blinders come off and that 'perfect person' who undstood them becomes just as big a drain on them as their family was. They have a whole new set of annoyances, stresses, etc.. They figure out that life is life no matter who you are surrounded by.

That doesn't mean they will come running back, but it is a nice reality check.

That was a very mature thing to do in giving the bed back. It shows growth and, trust me, he sees it too. Score one for ITM!

I'll tell you, your only option is the keep working hard on you and supporting your son through all of this. H will either come around or he won't. That is not anything you can control so there is no sense in fretting about it.

He is being served later today, right? Did you warn him it was coming?

[imthemom]

Yes, it was supose to be yesterday or today..didnt happen yesterday so..
I didnt warn him, he desnt even know i have a lawyer, well i would think he has to be expecting it but he hasnt said anything...
I think he'll just be relieved...he didnt want to deal with it...he really was hoping i would do it...so there ya go...
The past couple of days thinking they had stopped seeing each other was getting me through it, now that i know they are still involved i feel like im having honest reaction to it finally...this is by far one of the most painfull things i have gone through...

[verycrazy]

Hey, itm, I can understand you're wanting to get the nasty thing out of your garage. I personally would have donated it, but you did what you needed to do. Although, it would have made a nice bonfire, but it also might have made headlines in the paper.
So, you don't have to worry about that anymore.

I guess you'll hear about whether or not he was served soon enough. Sorry your S is having a tough time of it.

You have to know it is not all your fault what is happening. Yes, you had a hand in things, but so did he, so don't beat yourself up so much. You are going to do what you can to save your M, so at least you will know you did your best. And your S will see that, too.

vc

[Valeska19]

ITM,
So because your husband didn't want to deal with it, you decided to take action?

If this is the truth, you realize how you are enabling him and keeping the same dynamics of your addict/CoDe relationship right??

Have you picked up Codependent No More?? You need to.. and read it with DB/DR.

And slllloooowwww down.

I know that you and your h has been separated for awhile but you have had two major bombs in 2 months. Think of it as dropping two huge stones in a puddle.. the water gets all muddy and you can't see the bottom.

Your water is muddy with your emotions. Take some time and let the water clear. Once the water clears, you will know which direction to go.

My w dropped the bomb in July. It's now November and I'm STILL struggling between figuring out when I'm par of the new dynamic of our relationship or the old one. Things just unfortunately take time.

Change takes time.. and work.

So take a breath, be patient, work on yourself, don't worry about your H, and let God do the rest.

(((( ))))

[25yearsmlc]

what she said....^^^^^ read it again PLEASE...and

slow down. Why MUST you decide to "DO" something this minute?

I still don't get the big rush. Are there financial reasons for it? I asked I think twice now so I'm guessing you did not "have to file" for financial protection.

If you did, then you did what you had to do...

but if not, then see the note by Val as GOLDEN INSIGHT and change your course of action.

Not much of this is irrevocable.

Stop reacting so fast to everything. Post here first if you want, or at least sleep on it.

We are all here hoping to help you salvage your marriage but if not, at least to salvage yourself.

Read up on co-dependencies...Remember I also asked if YOU had attended any family therapy while he was in rehab? Well, did you?

What triggered him getting sober anyhow?

Read "Co-Dependent No More" and stop looping around in your head. Take the exit ramp and SLOW DOWN and'

take some deep breaths. Convince yourself so you can convince your son that

this too, shall pass and you WILL be alright...You will get through this.

Its true...

[imthemom]

Ok...ill try to answer all the questions...but im pretty sure i have in past post..
He "got sober" becus i left him..after many times of trying to convince him to stop and a yr of C on my own. He told me it actually got worse after i left and then after about 6 months he started an out pt recovery group.
Yes, there are def financial reasons, as ive said before, my son and i have been living hand to mouth since he decided he wanted the D. Before that he was here every day and made sure we had what we needed, after, not so much. It has been to the point that i recycle to buy milk, my utilities have been turned off and we def go without...while im hearing that hes buying hunting rifles and other toys. He makes very good money and has been living totally free in our house while it has been up fir short sale...for 2 yrs!!!!! The fact that he spent money on this OW while we went without burns me!!!
I took action to show my son that i will not be a doormat and that i will do what i have to do to take care of him, he knows i love his dad...but even he has said i have taken enough...the OW was not the first blow, just the wake up call....i love him, with all the heart i have left but i have to let him go. If he comes back, well that would be amazing..but im teaching my son about self confidence and character....something his father is lacking right now.
I still see the same C, now for 3 yrs. She is very helpful but thinks i have seriouse issues with not thinking of my own needs and always putting my H first over anything...im not doing that now...dont they say if u love something set it free?.. im not giving up...just protecting myself and my son because no one else is.