I may not be able to offer much help as I'm new to this myself, but I can relate to your sitch on a number of levels. I am not legally married (and I have questions about our common law status due to a recent ruling) but I have so many issues involving the hurt, despair and resentment that comes from being in a relationship with a man that doesn't feel or act fully committed. All that as well as the religious guilt that comes from being involved with a man that hasn't committed to making a union before God. I am also going back and forth with my emotions. Holding out for hope, believing that he will see the error of his ways once I am no longer attainable.
The most important thing that I realized was that I had to start living for me. When you have children, they watch much more than they listen or talk. Although we both want our relationships to work because it is in the best interest of the children, your actions have to reflect reality. If he decides that he wants to be with you, is he in a position to fulfill your needs? Would he really be committed to you, or would he be reacting out of panic? Would it be because he was merely being territorial?
Things haven't been going so good, and part of that is because you haven't been focusing on the things that you need to do for yourself. I know this all too well. It is going to be a hard, long road, but it really is what you need to get yourself back. You have a child together, so he will always be involved on some level. The more time that you spend trying to imagine what could have been, the less time that you spend on focusing on a real future.
Some people are just resounded to living their lives for the here and the now as they see no possibility of change. Sometimes a gentle or even hard nudge is needed to get them to realize the truth. He may or may not be one of those people, but now that you accept the situation for what it is, you have the power.
