A fork in the road - EA admitted by wife

[NYCPeter]

25 - Thanks for the response.

You MUST accept that your w may feel that you pushed her into OMs' arms.

I do - I genuinely do, I certainly did not create an atmosphere where she would have not even thought about it. I take responsibility for this. She was neglected - while I naively thought I was doing what was best, providing for my family in the same manner my father provided for us.

I also spoke to a good non judgmental friend who more or less showed me the realistic outcome of an affair

I am obviously do not know all my wife's friends' opinion of th Sitch - I do know that some are envcouraging the D.

When he was home, rare as that way, he wasn't really present.

That was me pre-bomb, it hasn't been since because I realized that my family was more important.

But don't tell her you forgive her unless she asks..and I'm betting she won't. Or not anytime soon...

I don't intend telling her I forgive her - she doesn't need that from me.

I wanted time and attention and love...not his judgement.

I have been offering time, attention and love - she does not want it from me, she has shut me out. Last night was as intimate as we have been since the start of all of this.

I almost think every spouse ought to go visit a L every few years to see how costly a divorce would actually be, just so they don't toss out the threat so lightly...

I think she might come away MORE ready to work on the m after seeing the L...after all, having a greatly decreased income and two kids, including one who'll always need some level of care sounds super appealing..,

And Peter, I hope you told the L you spoke to about your special needs d...

Interesting that YOU went to see a L and didn't tell her...which is fine but a tad hypocritical for you to act as if it's all over if she sees one, but perfectly acceptable if you do...she needs the info, frankly.

My W has already seen a L "to see where she stands" - which is what prompted me to see a L myself. This is why this 2nd visit is so serious - she said her L will send me a letter telling me that she's filed. Yes I did tell my L about my D9 with CP.

Just working and coming home doesn't generate a lot to talk about.

I agree - but I want to put the girls to bed - by the time I'm done it's gone 9:00 and most of my friends live too far away.

I WANT TO ASK ---"Why isn't your w doing something different, occupationally speaking?" She needs her "life/love tank" filled with something she can feel engaged in...

I've encouraged her to do things - she is a very smart and talented woman, I have offered to work from home or take time off so she can maybe switch careers, she has never been motivated to do that - and you are right, I have tried to make this about fixing her life and she clearly resented it, so I stopped. Art was her passion - but now she no longer seems interested.

So It takes a toll. How has your w handled the d's care issues and how does she see the future with her?

My W is a very loving mother who is the major carer for our D9 - she takes full responsibility for all appts etc. I have offered to help more in this area, she always says she doesn't want it.

You need to focus on changing you and making your life a good one, so GAL and be there for your d's...

I have changed and I have been there for my d's - what I haven't been so good at is GAL, because I am around my D's and my W works weekends.

Show her a calm warm man, in a loving home and let that contrast with what she thinks she might create out there...give her something to miss.

I am calmer (note I didn't say calm) warm man in a loving home. I'm not sure that she believes I am though.