A fork in the road - EA admitted by wife

[25yearsmlc]

Peter, you have gotten much good advice and in particular, was the incredibly great advice from Telemark…HEED HIS WORDS...

I rarely mention this, for obvious reasons, but I had an EA 2 decades ago, which nearly turned full on physical (there was some making out).

At the time, I felt completely justified in wanting to have an affair. In fact, I blamed my h for how neglected I felt. I had joined the military b/c H owed the Army paybacktime for med school. Then we had a war. Ooops. My work life suddenly sucked big time and I was getting deployed so I'm sure I felt unfairly burdened by HIS choices and how I was impacted more than he was.

You MUST accept that your w may feel that you pushed her into OMs' arms.

I also felt shame and then later almost sort of heroic, in my private efforts to save our m.

I DID tell my h I wasn't happy, but he was so grumpy and sleep deprived it was like telling an angry drunk you want him to calm down...does NOT work.

But I was lucky b/c I was confused enough to go to a chaplain and a shrink. I wanted the "real" moral opinion and I wanted to know if I was going nuts b/c this was very out of character for me...the shrink, btw, gave me some sleep aids but little useful advice. (SIDENOTE--the chaplain was great for ME...he got me into doing theater again, and ways of seeking out more passion in my life, without breaking my vows. Might sound weird, but it has done wonders for me personally, then professionally, and as a wife...)

Anyhow

I also spoke to a good non judgmental friend who more or less showed me the realistic outcome of an affair...and I worked it out on my own and ended the r w/OM.


But Peter, here's what would probably have happened if my h had discovered it AND confronted me in anger or tried to shame ME...

1) I would have defended my choice.

2) I would have blamed HIM.

And 3) I probably would have divorced him, in part b/c I'd want to be "proved right" and save MY honor. And h might have filed out of his own anger.

It's true that I was indeed a neglected wife. I say that 20 years later with certainty, but with no anger. MY h is an MD and he was in training then. HE was too busy and too fatigued, with relentless hours, for me or the kids to feel any other way b/c he had nothing left for us.

When he was home, rare as that way, he wasn't really present. He'd fall asleep in minutes and frequently was in a lousy terrible mood...or he'd have headphones on to block the family noise so he could study and prepare for a surgery the next day...

hard for me to see that when I'd worked all day and done dinner and child care but HIS work is so important...and it's hard to compete with deathly ill patients.

NO spouse felt attended to, or had their needs met then.

Knowing that, and being with other spouses who felt the same way but wanted to remain married, helped...

Reacting in anger and pride (and the anger mostly comes from a wounded pride) are not going to help you.

Tread lightly NYCP...assume little....take Telemarks advice even if the cat is out of the bag.

Your wife is confused and unhappy in her life and wants something to change.

Show her YOU are part of the change by demonstrating it.

Stop the talking...please shut up. Talking so much is not nearly as attractive as you think. Mostly women want to be heard and listened to, not talked to or lectured or "fixed".

Reassurances are fine but they don't take that many words.

I DO commend you for showing her that you can get past this.

i really believe many WASs fail to return after affairs b/c they believe that the LBSer won't forgive them, they fear that the LBSer will hold it over their heads like the Sword of Damacles or throw it in their face every time they fight...sometimes they are right.

But don't tell her you forgive her unless she asks..and I'm betting she won't.
Or not anytime soon...

She may not be seeking out your forgiveness. I wasn't seeking that from my h. I wanted time and attention and love...not his judgement.

To say you forgive her means you are saying she has wronged you, and she does not believe it YET....and she may never.

Can you handle the reality that you two may not ever see the PAST in the same way?

I accept that in my m. My h's MLC and move to Alaska is not something he and I view the same way, although he says it was a mistake.

I think he feels it COULD have worked if only he had gone earlier...whatever...So even now he revises things...

what matters most, imo, is agreeing on how to go "From this day forward" so if the time comes when you and your w are in "Piecing", then deal with it that way.


Also, If she sees the L, so what? It's called reality therapy.

I almost think every spouse ought to go visit a L every few years to see how costly a divorce would actually be, just so they don't toss out the threat so lightly...

I think she might come away MORE ready to work on the m after seeing the L...after all, having a greatly decreased income and two kids, including one who'll always need some level of care sounds super appealing..,

And Peter, I hope you told the L you spoke to about your special needs d...

INteresting that YOU went to see a L and didn't tell her...which is fine but a tad hypocritical for you to act as if it's all over if she sees one, but perfectly acceptable if you do...she needs the info, frankly.

I am sure that the CP d's needs can affect the CS, but a good divorce lawyer would know. Most states have a formula that acts as a GUIDELINE (not a rigid statute) and you can predict within some degree of accuracy, what you'll pay.


Still, I believe your best bet to staying married, is being the best man you can become, a man only a fool would leave. Then leave the results up to God.

No woman is unmoved by the loving interactions between her children and their father. It's a turn on, frankly.

Is your w home all day with the girls? How disabled is your CP d?

I know friends with disabled children. The level of care of those kids varies wildly, so IDK your particular d's needs or the severity of her disability.

But I have a gf w/a very severely disabled CP child. He requires 24/7 care, which she provided exclusively til they hired some respite care.

She has 2 other kids. Her CP son will never talk or walk, or feed himself, or use a toilet or wash himself. He is now 15 y/o so he's too big to carry. Both parents cycled thru depressive episodes and their sex life suffered greatly.
Don't get me wrong, they do love their son. But they're divorced now.

So It takes a toll. How has your w handled the d's care issues and how does she see the future with her?

What do you think YOUR issues are and what are YOU doing to address them?


And what about your GAL? Those are not just to keep you from obsessing, but to get you to meet new interesting people, & to generate some mystery
and make you a more interesting partner. Just working and coming home doesn't generate a lot to talk about.

Plus your sitch would benefit even more by some mystery at your end, and the concept of OW being interested in you probably won't hurt. No, I'm not suggesting you play a game of jealousy creation, BUT some mystery would help. Don't put all the cards in her hand...

I WANT TO ASK ---"Why isn't your w doing something different, occupationally speaking?" She needs her "life/love tank" filled with something she can feel engaged in...

See my note about theater and passion again. Really give that some thought. If you love your work, that might be enough for you, but she can't feel super rewarded by her job, if she was an art history major...what does she love doing?

HAVING SAID ALL THIS^^^, I want to remind you that this is food for thought. YOU CANNOT make this about you fixing her life. Stay out of her sandbox and in your own. .

You need to focus on changing you and making your life a good one, so GAL and be there for your d's...

and don't focus on your w or what you think she is feeling/thinking/doing/wanting...

Show her a calm warm man, in a loving home and let that contrast with what she thinks she might create out there...give her something to miss.

Good luck, and keep on keeping on...