I ruined it all but want to change & make it work

[bustorama]

Hey IRIA,

I have walked in shoes not unlike yours. Have a look back at my past threads, some may be useful to you. I am glad for you that this crisis has awoken you. Now it is time to be the man you wished you had been before.

Your W feels angry, hurt, betrayed, and disrespected in a way that we can only imagine. As Sandi has said, STOP groveling, begging, and apologizing. If and only if SHE brings the A up to you, "Yes, you are right. It was so wrong of me, to hurt you like that. You did not deserve that in any way."

RESPECT her now by agreeing with her desire to be apart from you and divorce you. She may change her mind, she may not. She will NOT do so by your begging her/convincing her/making her see something. You cannot control her, do not try. I understand that you are in great pain now, but it is selfish to fight her heart like that, especially at this time the way she feels.

You CAN control yourself. It is great some of the activities that you are doing to better or support yourself. Keep that up. What more can you do for yourself? What can you do with or for your kids?

I do recommend that you seek counseling (or at least self-help) for yourself for 1) your history of (and ongoing?) depression, 2) the emotional/boundary issues that led to you engaging in an A. This is the time to address both issues deeply, separate from your R/M.

In addition to DR, consider reading Not Just Friends (by Glass), Boundaries (Cloud/Townsend), Infidelity (Lusterman), and How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair (MacDonald). I caution you when reading these not to do so from the perspective of convincing your spouse of anything. Think of it as making amends for how you hurt her -- trying to understand where you went wrong so you won't do it in the future to anyone, trying to get an inkling of how she feels, and of what things might help her heal, whether with or separate from you.

Keep posting!