Are you under a doctor's care? You need treatment for the depression, ASAP! It has ruined your life! I will probably have to take AD meds for the rest of my life, but I don't have a problem swallowing a pill if it makes me bearable for my family to live with....and life is bearable for me to live. Keep at it until you find the right meds or doctor or whatever it takes to beat this dang depression!
Short term or life long depression makes a person so unattractive and certainly not pleasant for the other members of his family (especially his W). Depression can be seen as very selfish. I did not use to know that, but after it continues on & on and has the other S wore down and discouraged, yes, it can look selfish. I could write a whole lot more on the subject, but the point is to not stop until you find something that will give you positive results!
You've got to get out of this fear b/c not only does that make you look and act even worse.....it hinders you from anything positive. If you're already "dead" then what could be anything worse? What can hurt any worse? What could be worse than this? Right? If you've hit bottom, you can't go down any farther, right? Who will take the fear away? Who will lift you up by the boot straps? You! And we hope to give you the tools to do that.
This will be about you. Not about her. May not be what you expected to hear when you came, but it words for the one who signs up and sticks to it.
You must not pressure her, smother her, or pursue her in any form or fashion. Back off and give her space and time. We'll tell you how to do that without looking rude or mean.
You need to accept the fact the old M is over. It is dead. Don't try to raise it from the cemetery. However, you could go to work to prepare for a possible new MR, and hopefully, it will be with this W. But it will not happen in a short period of time. Hurt had to be healed, changes have to be made. Don't try to change anyone but you. Don't focus on her and what she's doing, just focus on what you are doing.
You may not be a goal setter, but learn to become one. It helps you make it from one day to the next (or one hour to the next). These need to be about you, not her. In other words, don't say, "My W will not get mad at me for one week". Also, don't make it too general, like..."We will not get D". Make it detailed and realistic. Break it down into the steps you need to take to reach your goals. Then break those down even smaller. You need to see small accomplishments instead of just one giant goal.
Find the man you use to be, or else improve upon who you use to be. Make this the biggest part of your goal setting. Changing yourself. Improving yourself until you are the very best man that you could ever hope to be. That is a full time job for most. By the time you reach that goal, you will be happy. Your happiness will not souly depend upon being M to your W. You can read countless stories how a H will finally do what we keep telling him and even if the D goes through......he'll say that he's happy with his life. Quite a testament, don't you think?
So, if you're ready to get to work, then put your working clothes on and push up your sleeves b/c you'll be here a while.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
