W is angrier after my 180's - time + consistency

[bustorama]

W has a nutty world view right now, but it benefits you to understand and accept it.

We then got into a discussion about how/when we tell the children. She wants to tell them that we love them and wants what is best for them

And therefore we want to live in separate places and break up the family.

and that her and I can't live in the same house anymore

'can't'? Why not? Someone holding a gun to someone's head?

and so we'll be splitting but that we will still function as a family

That's right. I know many intact families in which the parents live in two different places and in which the W has an ongoing EA with an OM. That's how families function.

and they will be able to see me as much as they want

Really??? So when S wakes up in the middle of the night and says he misses Dad, she'll rush him over to you? Or when S says he wishes Dad was there at dinner with the 'family' or hanging out watching TV with everyone after dinner, she'd call you on over?

and that I am going to live in this great place and we can even go check it out if they want.....

Barf.

I told her that I want to tell them that we love them and each other but we are having a hard time in our relationship and need to take a time out from each other.

While her reality is not your view of things, the above reality is also not hers. For you to make progress (and to be honest with your kids and keep their trust), you need to REALLY accept that. She does not really love you right now. This is not a time out for her -- in her mind, she has broken up with you and is trying to find an easy way to move forward.

Yes, telling the kids is tricky. Tell them what you two can agree on -- factual statements without interpretation, explanation, or sugar coating.

Mom and Dad love you and will always love you. Starting in [a week or two], Mom and Dad will no longer be living together. This is the way things are going to be, and Mom and Dad will both continue to see you regularly, and be huge parts of your lives.

They may ask why? It could be, because Mom has decided this is best for her. Because Mom and Dad have decided to do this. Because this is what has been decided. What can you two agree on?

So this is where it gets confusing. W thinks that it would be perfectly fine if I see the kids every day. Pick them up from school, help with homework, soccer practices, school events, etc. All of this sounds great on the surface but the reality is, if I see them every day then W sees me every day. I ask her how this gives her the space she wants and she doesn't really know.

Yes, be a stellar dad, and absolutely be there for your boys. Of course, you will pick them up from school and take them to your home on YOUR days, where you will help them with homework. How does this involve seeing your W? Does she have a fantasy of this happening at her [the family] home? I don't see how that helps you move on with your life to spend all this time at her place instead of your own. It also could be confusing for the kids and give them a sense that Dad's home is not also one of their family homes. We don't want to give them a false sense of what is happening, right, W?

Of course you will attend their soccer practices and school events. W might even get to sit with you.

I then move on to the more formal topic of visitation, child support, etc., (I probably should have not gone there but it has to be resolved).

You absolutely NEED to go there. This is reality. The nitty gritty of your W's choices without a cushion of fantasy. The earlier the reality is met by both of you, the better. (and I agree strongly, you should meet it with a L).

I told her that I was very concerned that my moving out could be construed as abandonment...She said she doesn't view it that way at all. I said that is one thing but the courts may view it differently.

So may your boys, friends, extended family, the neighbors, etc. etc. This is part of why who moves out is significant. It is possible that your W HAS thought about some aspects of this, and it may be why she has not volunteered to leave.

She went on to say that a friend of hers who recently D'd simply filled out the paperwork and that was that! No custody hearings, nor child support talk, etc.

Understand that ^^^THIS^^^ is her fantasy IDEAL.

She said that her intention is to fully fund the support of the children from her income and that I would not have to worry about it. I told her that was unacceptable! I have to be able to support myself and my family. I will not abandon them financially, etc.

Why fight her by saying that something is 'unacceptable.'? Of course, you won't abandon them, and she's not telling you to abandon them. Don't fight her while asserting yourself or because of your own insecurities about financial issues. How about, 'W, that's great that you are in a good financial position to help fund their support. I will consult with my attorney/accountant/whatever on the best way that I can contribute to the support of our boys.'

I told her that if she was ok, I'd like to help get the house prepared for her parents visit on the 16th. I suggested she move back into the MB so I could get the guest bedroom prepared

You are still not accepting her decision/reality. Would you ask an ex-girlfriend or an ex-spouse to move into a master bedroom with you????

I think this is ridiculous but what can I do? Stop controlling I suppose?

Yes, stop controlling. They are her parents -- first rule of most things should be to at least find out what SHE wants. A good starting point, for example, would be, How can I help you set up the house for your parents' visit? (or Is there anything I can help with to prepare for your parents' visit?)

Except, I went to leave to get the brakes checked but forgot something and went back into the house and I could hear my W sobbing again.

God this is tough!!

Yes, it is. In the words of a wise man, you can handle it.