Time for an Introduction...and Thanks

[figure-it-out]

Hello...although it seems, to me at least, as if I know so many of you through your stories and wonderful words of support.

Brief introduction. I'm 43, my H is almost 42. We've been married for 18 years and together for almost 21. We have a D17 and S10.
As with sadly so many of you, my husband decided 8/18/10 that he wasn't "happy" anymore. When I pressed, he said he shouldn't have said anything and "just forget it". This lasted for a couple of days until I discovered some questionable messages on his work cell phone. I confronted him with what I had found and let him know I had sent messages back to whomever they were from letting her know I would be speaking to her boss. (I had no intention of doing that) Things kind of blew up from there and my husband decided he needed to go stay with his mother while he figured things out.

Telling our children he was leaving was the worst thing to date I've had to do. He attempted to back out as we had them sitting on the couch saying "just forget it, just forget it". I was the one who had to utter the words. My daughter completely broke down and my son was crying harder than I've ever heard him cry. All he wanted to know was if dad was ever coming back.
My husband assured him he was, he just needed to figure out how to "treat mom better".

So he left, and he hasn't come home. He's taken some of his clothes (the rest still hang where he left them), a stereo and that's it. He lives with his mother, stepfather, the mother of my oldest nephew's son, and the S4.

My husband has had PA in the past. We spent time in C after I discovered the last one 3 years ago and I thought we had made great progress. I will say immediately as I suspected the last one I recognized the role I had played in the decline in our marriage and set out to make things right. My husband had complained we were merely roomates and I worked on changing the way I related to him. According to him he recognized these changes and it confused him. He said he saw me trying and broke off the A with this woman. This goes along with the e-mail messages I later found.

It was not long after I found these boards and I can't tell you what a Godsend they have been to me mentally and emotionally. I knew I could come here and read about others situations and experiences and understood exactly what they were going through. My family and friends have been very supportive however I know from comments they've made they are wondering why I am not giving up on my marriage. I have read both DB and DR which have helped me in my interaction with my husband so much.

My husband filed for divorce in March although he waited until April to serve me. He feels he will do fine representing himself ( we really can't afford an attorney) while I have legal coverage through work and have retained an attorney. I did explain to her that this was something I did not want and would be responding to things as he acted. So far, he's not done much. I presented him with a support agreement at the end of May which he has not signed. He continues to put the majority of his paychecks into our joint account. I have not pushed the support agreement as it is significantly less than he currently gives us. He has opened a separate account which he thinks I don't know about. He took a loan from his 401K for about $4000 which he used part of the funds to file.
We have had one court date back on 9/20, however my husband decided that morning to ask for a continuance. We now have a court date on 3/1/12. I take these as good signs but he makes no indication of his mind changing in terms of the divorce. The push and pull so many of you speak of is almost unbearable at times. We still ML every couple of weeks and then I'll go days without talking to him. We will do something as a family (pumpkin patch) and the next weekend I will get a random text asking me what the next step is in our divorce. We have not even told our children a divorce is in the works. I am of the mind set that if he keeps waffling and going back and forth I don't want to expose them to that if it's not necessary.

I know this post is long as I have a whole year to account for so I'll get to what I've been doing as far as GAL.
I have been making changes to myself and working on recongizing the part I played in the decline of our marriage. I know for much of the time before we went to counseling I DID treat him as more of a roomate. I know I should have slowed down and paid more attention to him. I know I should have had more fun with him and the kids and worried less about getting my to do list crossed off.
When he comes over now I make sure I am always put together. I have lost 60 pounds this last year. I make a point to stop and just play with the kids. Act silly and do things spontaneously. I don't know if it's bringing him closer, but it's bringing my children and I closer.
I apologize again for the length of my post. Thank you again for helping me even when you didn't know you were! Thank you for listening and I look forward to your continued advice and support.