It's hard not to allow the fact that my w hasn't really spoken to me in 8 months play into that. I realize that I'm not alone here and there are plenty of people on this board who has been married twice as long....
.... but it's still a hard pill to swallow. I have and continue to own up to my part.. but I believe I have done every thing I can. It's up to my w to deal with her demons.
So needless to say that I'm feeling down today. Will be going to bank in about 5 hrs to split our savings with w. I also plan on giving her the key back to our storage unit.
I am stressed. I woke from my stress dream of losing my teeth and my chest is super tight. As usual, I jumped on my rollercoaster.
The ride was short and intense. I got off before going on round 2.
The truth is that I don't want to see my w. I don't blame her for putting me on the rollercoaster but it's kinda like when I quit smoking.. at first I couldn't be around other smokers or in bars until I could be strong enough.
Maybe that's an horrible analogy to compare my w to a cigarette..
It just hurts. Seeing her is a reminder that she does not care about me anymore. I do want her to get healthy and figure out who she is, but I still don't believe that had to come at the cost of our m.. and I certainly don't believe she had to hurt me in the process.
Anyway..Who wants to put themselves in that position to feel those things??
I want to be cheerful but not as an act but because it's who I am. There is alot to be grateful for.. I hope I can muster the courage.
This is just another step in this process. It's another step towards the unknown.
It's scary
P.S. Got a text from House today asking if I was available so clearly I didn't do anything wrong. I will continue to remind myself of your words, 25, about assuming people are telling the truth.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
