Hate to hijack this thread but I love getting your perspective. My wife is also LD, but historically (before the bomb) she would ML once every two weeks or so "out of a sense of duty". She was definitely passive aggressive about it, and would take out her resulting anger in other ways. To your point, this was a symptom of many other things being wrong in our marriage.
One of the things we did as part of our piecing, is that we agreed that I would never escalate physical affection, and that I would not initiate ML, the frequency would be up to her. At the same time, she agreed that she would try to keep to a once per week schedule.
The agreement on my part not to escalate physical affection has worked wonders in many ways, as she doesn't have to be afraid that kissing me will lead to an expectation to ML.
After a month or so of this, we agreed to go back on "my agenda" for frequency, but I was tortured by it -- I never want to go back to the passive aggressive sex of the past where it's obvious that she's just not interested, that make me feel terrible.
Probably like many men, I believe that if I could make the experience better for her, she would like it more. As a result, I've asked her many times to tell me what feels good, what she likes, etc., but she won't do it. She said that even talking about ML at all makes her either angry, or makes her want to cry.
There is no history of sexual abuse, she is not a rape victim, but did have some negative experiences as a younger woman when she felt pressured and decided that it was easier to give in than to say no. That seems to have really effected her.
I would love for her to see a therapist to work through these issues so that we can have a better sex life, but she refuses, because she says that it doesn't cause any issues for her -- if I'm not talking about it she spends zero time thinking about it.
From my perspective, ML can be so good and so pleasurable. So many of the books I've read talk about the fact that a mutually satisfying sex life is essential to a mutually satisfying marriage, and that one tends to reflect the other in many ways.
I really hate the thought of spending the rest of my life with someone who really is not motivated to have a better time ML.
Can you lend any insights or suggestions? I'd like some perspective on how to think about this, and Arkansasguy, my apology for the hijack.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
