Yesterday I went for a visit to my therapist. I go when I feel the need or I have something I want to bounce off her. Yesterday we talked about self-esteem, I mentioned that some people on DB see my humour as self derogatory. I also told her that inside me there's a strong feeling that I'm not worthy, unloveable, undesirable and I really hate that feeling! We talked about my adventures in online dating too. She said that I'm a perfectionist and if I find something I percieve as a flaw in myself I wipe out all my good qualities. It's all or nothing! She then said "you're a very desirable man" and then whipped off a whole list of qualities any woman would find attractive. here's what I remember: have a good job, not just looking to get laid, have your own place, kids are healthy and happy, you're financially sound, you've got interests, you're spiritual, good communication skills, you can actually talk about your feelings, attractive, kind, responsible, funny, outgoing, fun loving, have a good R with ex, fit, independent, happy.... Wow, that's quite the list! She said that I have internalized my mother who, while I love her dearly, is one of the most critical people on the planet! So, there's work to be done.
