Back home - but for how long?

[NYCPeter]

I got home and couldn't even look at her.
Hugged the girld and put D9 to bed - about to go and watch a cartoon with D6.

I don't think I can keep this up - I'm going to say something this evening but do it in a calm rational manner.

[Grocerykartman]

NYC

You are NOT weak if you don't say something. You are strong if you can hold it together and not do it. Telemark's advice is spot on, act like Carlos doesn't even exist. You are a hard working man, a professional, a loving father, and great person. Keep that in mind before you dignify any of the scum that is the OM.

[~ kd ~]

I saw Starsky do a flyby earlier...

Reminded me of what he likes to say (I'll channel my inner starsky here):

+ Cheaters lie and liers cheat...

ie. Would you really expect your W to tell you the truth? About the OM... or ANYTHING, really...?

That's why we often say believe none of what you hear and 50% of what you see...

And that works in reverse, as well... What we say, they won't listen to... could be because they know they'd lie to you, so why would they think you're telling the truth or not trying to manipulate them in some way...

If you are going to confront your W... then the best I can recommend is say your peace and leave the conversation... it is highly unlikely you will convince her of anything...

And if she has anything to say... then use that as an opportunity to LISTEN... and VALIDATE...

Personally, I hope you utilize the 48 hour silence rule...

[NYCPeter]

Well folks - I'm still on silent mode.
I'll go to bed with my lips buttoned up and hope to get a good night's sleep.

[Accuray]

Good luck NYCPeter, you are in my thoughts and I hope for a positive outcome for you.

Accuray

[2thepoint]

Zipped lips keep the ships afloat! Hang in there!

[NYCPeter]

Well - That didn't turn out as intended, I really tried but emotions got the better of me.

I couldn't sleep - my W asked what was wrong, and I said I wanted to know her state of mind re: our R. She said nothing for a while and then said - she has set an appointment for the 15th with a L. I asked her again if there was someone else, she said no.

I'm doing the best I can to remember the convo -
Me - W, has there ever been someone else.
W - What do you mean
Me - I know you too well, there is something going on.
W - There was someone I kissed a while back, but he's since left the country (deported).
Me - Who? For how long?
W - Why do you need to know.
Me - Because I want to know.
W - I'm not telling you.
Me - Is that it
W - Yes
Me - Why are you lying to me?
W - I'm not
Me - Who is C-Dawg
W - Carlos
Me - What's going on with Carlos
W - Nothing he's just a friend
Me - If he's just a friend, why is it hard to "be more than friends with a crazy person" and "you keep coming back"
W - He's just a friend
Me - If he's just a friend why does he text you late at night, why are you chasing him
W - Why have you been reading my FB messages
Me - In the grand scheme of things is that really important?
W - Nothing has happened.
Me - But you are having an EA with him and you had one in the past.
W - Yes
Me - I know I created an atmosphere that drove you to do this and for that I am sorry. I want to work on our M and want to make it stronger than it's ever been.
W - I have been trying
Me - W, I know you are conflicted, but trying means not being in an EA when you are trying. Marraiges don't consist of 3 people....
W - You are right
Me - I really don't want you to go to a L,
W - Well it's not till the 15th, I may change my mind by then.
Me - I don't think there is a need to get L's involved.
Some more talk then my w joked....
W - Do you want to have sex
Me - Sure I do, I'm horny
W - Laughed and said, we will one day...

Can't remember much else - I then said, well I'm going to sleep.
She came over my side of the bed and hugged me and stayed that way all night.

I don't regret all this being out in the open - maybe being in the open has relieved some of the stress and guilt she feels and also shows her I'm still willing to comtinue working on the M. It also makes me feel better about myself that I knew something was going on and that I confronted it.

I won't see her tonight as she will leave for work before I get home - the girls are staying with the in-laws and I'm meeting a friend for dinner before going home.

I went against the advice on the board but it really felt like the right thing to do. She has admitted to 2 EA's - she has set up an appointment with a L for 11 days time.

I can hold my head up and say I did not break my vows.
I can hold my head up and say I supported my W and girls in the best way I knew how.
I can hold my head up and say I did what I could to save my M within my code of ethics.

I'm sorry - I feel like I have let the folks on this board down but IF she wants to end the M because of the guilt and felt I would never forgive she now knows differently. She already set the appointment with the L so it's not as if I've driven her quicker to D.

[Accuray]

You don't owe the people on this board anything, we're here to help you. I also don't think you went against the advice on this board -- people tried to share with you what might happen, and I would say you DID follow the advice by being calm and rational about it.

Your confrontation above looks like it went about as well as it could have gone, and it sounds like you ruled out a PA which undoubtedly gives you some degree of comfort.

It does sound like your W is relieved by having things out in the open, but it also doesn't sound like she agreed to end things with OM. That might be the tough part going forward.

You also got some insight into the fact that she's still on the fence. If you can DB perfectly between now and the 15th, things MAY go your way even more.

It will be tempting to "throw it in her face" and try to make her feel guilty by slipping in little comments here and there. That will NOT make you feel better despite the anticipation, and will greatly derail your efforts. That's where you have to be very careful going forward. Do NOT bring up any comparisons between how she treats OM and how she treats you. You need to stay away from those discussions entirely.

Great job NYCPeter, you handled that extremely well

Accuray

[NYCPeter]

I was calm and rational.

I'm frightened of what will happen next, but at the end of the day I can't control her. I'm glad that she knows I know. The fact we spent the night close, is that a good sign? Who knows only time will tell.

At one stage my D9 woke up and my W went to comfort her and lie next to her in the spare room (opposite our room) - my alarm went off and I hit snooze - my W came back to bed and snuggled a little more before I left for work.

Tonight we'll see what her reaction is after thinking about it all day - will she go out after work? How will she be when she comes home? If she gets close to me in bed again it can only be a positive sign, if she stays out all night and acts cold then I guess I have an answer.

I won't "throw it in her face" - I recognize what that will do. I feel this is a major fork in the road and I'm not sure which way things will turn - either way my life will be different.

She sees Carlos as "it's nothing" - if she were to reconsider our R I'll need to address it in the future - right now I don't see the point, if she doesn't want a R with me then Carlos is irelevant.

[2thepoint]

Tonight we'll see what her reaction is after thinking about it all day - will she go out after work? How will she be when she comes home? If she gets close to me in bed again it can only be a positive sign, if she stays out all night and acts cold then I guess I have an answer.

Here is where I think you might be a little off base. The fact that she snuggled with you all night and came back and that she also made the comment about possibly changing her mind about the L and the sex talk... all lead me to believe that there is some potential softening of her heart.

She is conflicted. She may even recoil today after reflecting on what happened yesterday. But... if her heart IS softening, you have all the reason in the world to continue your DB efforts.

I think there are going to continue to be bumps in the road, but my best advice is to keep doing what you are doing.