How is it SUPPOSED to work?

[grebjack]

I'm used to being able learn from my mistakes, and it eats at me that I don't know what I would do differently if I had it to do over again. I've now been separated for four of my eleven years of marriage. I have always wanted children and it's always been a non-negotiable "no" for my husband. I thought that was the sort of decision couples should make together, and I spent what I would call the seven good years of our marriage being bitter, but my husband been very clear with me before we got married. At one point I read a book called "I want a baby he doesn't" and the author's advice boiled down to "talk, talk, and then talk some more. whatever you do, don't stop talking," and that just made me more bitter, since talking about it wasn't among my options. In 2007, I went to a family counselor with the goal of either figuring out how to grieve motherhood once and for all a let it go, or give up being "wife" in favor of being "mother." So maybe that's what was supposed to be different - I was never supposed to entertain the thought of leaving, 'cause that's what I promised on our wedding day. But then how was I supposed to deal with my feelings? Just shut up about it?
The counselor told me I had to tell my husband what I was thinking. I didn't want to because I knew it would be an irrevocable change to our relationship, but I had to agree with her ethical argument that he had a right to know. So I told him. He told the counselor that he'd always wanted to talk with me about it but _I_ had refused, and then he withdrew. We never talked about it, although he told friends within my hearing that he wanted our marriage to survive and knew we'd work it out somehow. I don't know how we were supposed to work it out. The only way I know to solve problems is to talk them out, but I am clear now that by trying to force the conversation, I just put the nails in the coffin. So what was I supposed to do at that point? He started working longer and longer hours. Six months later he arranged to spend his summer at a lab a thousand miles away. Then he took a job two hours away from our house. And the one weekend he was home between summer and fall jobs, he invited friends from out of town to visit. For two years, our only contact was when I pursued. Except for one time when he came to town to bring me a Christmas tree, a particularly sweet gesture with a history for us, but he arrived at the house when I wasn't home and found a letter I had written to him - you know those things that you put in writing so that you won't say them and you never have any intention of sending them? He read it and left me a nasty note in return and hasn't come to the house to visit me since. And then a year and a half ago he told me he was tired of trying and needed to move on and that he was no longer open to saving the marriage, but he hasn't actually filed. I came here because I thought Divorce Busting was supposed to be a chance to save my marriage, but the advice I get on the boards is stop obsessing over your marriage and get a life. I have a life - I just feel like it's rolling down the tracks without any steering from me. Maybe this is just supposed to teach me that you don't always get what you want? I confess I have led an otherwise charmed life. I'm in great health, I have great friends and a supportive family, I am successful at a job I love, I have two sweet cats and a nice backyard garden, I'm financially stable... Maybe that's more than anyone has the right to ask for anyway. I read another post titled Time is on my side, and it made me wonder. Is this limbo actually accomplishing something? My father-in-law has been married to his second wife for 32 years, but hasn't had any contact with her for 30 and wouldn't know how to find her now if he wanted a divorce. I wonder if I'm following in his footsteps, and if so, what options do I have to avoid that? Obviously, I could file myself, but I don't want the damned divorce!
If you're still reading, thanks. I hope someone has some words of wisdom for me.