I titled this one groundlessness because that's a term used in my meditation practice. It is also the thing that I have the most difficulty practicing or embracing. The art of just letting go of everything, and not getting stuck when things get bad.
Today was better than yesterday. So my XH said that he sacrificed me to save himself. I feel like my little boy sacrificed himself to save me. He had a lot of problems that were brewing in him a long time. He never showed any sign that he was suffering, though. Think of it. What if he’d have gone into serious problems right after XH left? What if I’d had to be giving him fluids for his kidneys and watching that tumor grow while I was deep in shock over XH’s leaving? What if I’d had to make the tough decision to end his life, or to try to find the money for chemo, when I was financially struggling? My little cat held on like a trooper despite being VERY sick, when I needed him to be my rock. He was very brave.
And as the past few months have gone on, I’ve become run down to the point of severe mental exhaustion over trying to do far too much in the aftermath of the end of my marriage. I was never going to let up. Not till it put me in the hospital. I looked at my journal and for 4 months now I’ve had increasingly severe problems with back pain and insomnia and adrenal exhaustion. I’ve not noticed the progression because it was so subtle. It was just a combination of the PTSD of the divorce and the added burden of overextending myself in a million directions to try to cope. I was running on nothing.
My little boy sacrificed himself for me in dying to shock my system into stopping and realizing how exhausted I’ve become. I feel like my XH’s betrayal saved my life on my good days, in that I never would be doing so many things that fulfill me or so happy in my inner core if he hadn’t shattered my whole world and if I hadn’t had to rebuilt. But I exchanged one obsession (XH) for another (work in some form). My little boy’s death saved my life because THAT was the thing I still needed to learn: BALANCE. I get it now. I really do.
Today, I got a handwritten card from the author I’m writing the book on. In it, he included the sentence, “How would you like to work?” This author has agreed to a dialogue with me about his writing, and, about my research on this subject and others. I will now be able to cultivate a relationship with a very famous and respected writer and this means so much to me because of how much his work impacted me. This card was on its way to me from England when my little guy was dying. I just marvel at the timing. And since I asked for and got a contract extension, now I can just breathe and take some time to work more slowly, while I start a conversation with the writer who has influenced me and enriched me more than any writer I’ve ever studied.
The night before my boy got sick, I begged, BEGGED God to do something to stop this endless cycle that I was stuck in of emotional and mental exhaustion, and this death was the result, but I was able to see XH one last time and to feel like he and I were fully connected for one last time. It was like he died a long time ago, and I got one last chance to see him again. I guess in the end, I am lucky, despite the pain. My focus now is “groundlessness”, living with the uncertainty that I do not know what tomorrow will bring in terms of life and love, but just doing what I can to achieve an emotional and physical balance in my life.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
