Yes 25. It does make sense. Very crazy story. this self esteem thing really belongs to US...so why bother with the assignment of blame? It's not what you intend I'm sure, b/c you are braver than most.?
It's not really blame as much as realization. I didn't really realize how my wife contributed to it until we separated. I didn't really realize that I allowed her words to affect my self worth until we separated.
I know that she only has that power if I ALLOW HER. I know now that the self esteem ball is completely in MY court.
I painted her in such a beautiful light.. I hid all her flaws. I'm not trying to paint her differently.. just trying to take the blinders off my eyes.
I feel I need to do this so I can learn how to love in a healthy way... and honestly that includes loving my w.
It may seem silly since we are getting a D.. I really do want to love her well. People think I'm crazy because she doesn't even talk to me and by her actions, doesn't give a rat's a$$.. so I guess I am.
But I don't love her well. I think I love her good but I also know I say I am doing something loving when in all honestly I'm doing it out of fear.
My self worth is an example. Any actions I take with the mindset "I'm worthy" usually pisses off w. So I say "I love her so I'm not do x"..
"WAKE UP VAL... YOU'RE NOT DOING IT OUT OF LOVE, IT'S OUT OF FEAR"
Does that make sense 25?
As for projecting - I try really REALLY hard to not project on W or Dad. I'm aware that I WANT to.. and I'm also aware that I DONT.
It's an internal struggle and one I will have for awhile. My goal is to forgive them both. This will not come overnight and w/o dying to myself a little... maybe even alot!
But it is my goal. I don't plan on giving up on it.
M(f): 43 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
