Today was much better for me. Woke up, got dressed, got the kids fed and ready for the day. Did some more cleaning and got my work done early for the day. Saw a message from a friend on FB asking me if she could take me to a concert a little before my B-day as an early present. Its still months away, but at least I'm making plans now.
We're still supposed to see the counselor, but I'm kind of at a loss for what to say. Hard to work on a relationship when he says that there is none. Maybe that's where I still start - saying that I neglected the relationship for years - even before I became aware of the cheating - and I just started to put in some real effort.
H invited me to go to the gym with him, so I figured that it was safe to accept. I know that I have to start saying no to some of these outings, but its kind of hard to do when there's only one car. I really feel somewhat trapped when he's at work and I'm at home with the kids.
I haven't initiated any R talks, been affectionate or really looked at him too much. Yesterday he came up while I was cleaning with the music playing full blast. He tried to talk over the music a few times, then disappeared into the bedroom for 1/2 an hour. Not that he doesn't have plenty of time to talk to whomever when he's driving home from work.
I'm spending less time thinking about him, but its still hard at times. I guess I just want to see where his head is at when we go to counseling. I don't plan on making ultimatums, but I am going to be upfront about what I will and won't accept. No transparency, no effort, no willingness to make the attempt to do better, and I'm out of here.
