W is angrier after my 180's - time + consistency

[2thepoint]

Long post coming.......

Had a conv. with my W today that has me confused and troubled all at the same time. I went up to her room to let her know I was going to take her car in to have the brakes looked at and she looked really sad and despondent. I asked her what was the matter and she said that she was really having a hard time since I had told her at the beginning of the week that I'd be out by the end of the week but since the apartment won't be available till the 24th she feels like we are sitting in limbo with a heavy black cloud hanging over us.

I told her that I said I'd be out by the end of the week and I will be. She wanted to know where I'd be staying and I said not to worry about it. I'd have it figured out.

She seemed to settle down some.

We then got into a discussion about how/when we tell the children. She wants to tell them that we love them and wants what is best for them and that her and I can't live in the same house anymore and so we'll be splitting but that we will still function as a family and they will be able to see me as much as they want and that I am going to live in this great place and we can even go check it out if they want.....

She asked me what I thought and I told her that I want to tell them that we love them and each other but we are having a hard time in our relationship and need to take a time out from each other.

W's immediate response is that she does not want to leave this open ended and give them false hope.

My response was that I have accepted her decision, even though it is not what I want but that there is no sense in breaking the kids hearts until the time comes and that it would be better to ease them into this.

She expressed concern with how our S9 will react immediately to the news and is even more concerned with S13 who is much quieter and will internalize this and who knows....

We then moved to more logistical topics, such as how often I'd be able to see the kids, how to furnish and pay for a 2nd household, etc.

So this is where it gets confusing. W thinks that it would be perfectly fine if I see the kids every day. Pick them up from school, help with homework, soccer practices, school events, etc. All of this sounds great on the surface but the reality is, if I see them every day then W sees me every day. I ask her how this gives her the space she wants and she doesn't really know.

Don't get me wrong, if I can swing seeing the kids every day, that would be great! But I just don't get how she heals with me around every day.

I then move on to the more formal topic of visitation, child support, etc., (I probably should have not gone there but it has to be resolved). I told her of my concerns relating to how when 2 L's get into the mix, both advocating for their respective clients, things can get ugly very fast. Even if we want to have the friendliest D ever, we may still find ourselves at odds based upon the tactics that the L's choose to deploy. I don't think she has truly thought this stuff through. In fact I'm sure of it.

I told her that I was very concerned that my moving out could be construed as abandonment and she seemed genuinely shocked at this. She said she doesn't view it that way at all. I said that is one thing but the courts may view it differently.

She said she would be willing to put it in writing that this is a mutually agreed upon arrangement. I just told her these are some of my concerns and is part of the crap that is running through my head at the moment. She went on to say that a friend of hers who recently D'd simply filled out the paperwork and that was that! No custody hearings, nor child support talk, etc.

I changed the subject and asked her if she had spoken to her parents and she said yes, the other night. She said they reacted to the news with shock and sadness but that they were supportive. She went on to say that she couldn't get the words out about our sitch so she asked her sister to tell her parents and they called her to talk about it. She also said that her parents had no idea that this was coming considering we were then less than a month ago and they thought everything was peaches and cream.

We then moved onto the topic of my employment. This is a very big concern for me. I have a small real estate investing business that generates minimal sporadic income, (not enough to support myself and my kids). I told W that I have been applying for jobs all over town but the market is very tough and that I had already been turned down for even an interview for 4 jobs of which I was more than qualified for.

It is frustrating, you can have 15-20 years of relevant experience in a specific industry or discipline but if that experience has not been within the last 3 years, employers don't want to touch you with a ten foot pole!

So we talk about this and how for me as a man I need to feel like I am productive and contributing to the welfare of my family. W acknowledges this and says she is concerned for me specifically, (I assume this means my emotional well being). She said that her intention is to fully fund the support of the children from her income and that I would not have to worry about it. I told her that was unacceptable! I have to be able to support myself and my family. I will not abandon them financially, etc.

We move on....

I told her that if she was ok, I'd like to help get the house prepared for her parents visit on the 16th. I suggested she move back into the MB so I could get the guest bedroom prepared and she said that her plan was not to move into the MB that she will stay where she is and S13 could sleep on the couch and her parents could use his room.

She says it makes no sense to run AC/Heat in a part of the house when everyone could stay elsewhere (we have a 4200 sf house and it is quite expensive to maintain).

I think this is ridiculous but what can I do? Stop controlling I suppose?

W is very upset. I feel bad for her. Bad for me too, but bad for her (I Love her and can't stand to see her hurting so). I suggest that she seek support from others in her sitch. I told her about Divorce Care. She seemed interested. I told her they have programs in most churches in the area and that she could go to a different one than the one I go. She asked if this is where I went yesterday? I said yes (guess my GAL cover is blown!).

So that's it for now. Except, I went to leave to get the brakes checked but forgot something and went back into the house and I could hear my W sobbing again.

God this is tough!!