Grace, Love, Compassion, and Faith - Good Stuff

[Valeska19]

@lc4 - thank you and thanks for stopping by my thread!

Journaling -

Woke up yesterday morning receiving messages from "House" saying they were cancelling my two days next week. They gave a perfectly good reason - one that made sense to me as a fellow AD... however my mind went straight to the negatives

"What if I did something wrong! What if they don't like me? What if they were lying to me?" Urgh it was so frustrating.

I think thoughts like this are normal for every human being but I have taken it to the extreme between my dad leaving and the unhealthy dynamics of my m.

Having self-worth is still something I am struggling with. I have accepted how my w contributed to the destruction of my self worth. I'm still working over my feelings to that but in the past 8 months, I have realized that I don't need people to validate my worth.. Don't get me wrong it helps but people.. they have flaws, fears, opinions.. etc. If this sitch has taught me anything its..obviously their opinion of me can change.

I am worthy because God thinks I am. If I remember to look through his eyes (as if that's even possible) - that NEED to have other people accept me will go away.

I've been saying this from the very beginning to myself and other people on this board.. that God doesn't punish us but does allow bad things to happen so we can become the people he intended us to be.

I'm beginning to think that this S wasn't for my w to work out her problems, but for me to work out my own.

I don't mean to sound super spiritual..but I'm just looking at everything.

My w dropping my from her insurance and fighting me over the money = having faith in God that he will financially provide for me.

Knowing that he will provide because he has laid things on my heart that I have wanted to change (my negativity, my feeling of "being right" professionally.

Or that I'm having friends going through similar experiences and I can show them love and patience because I have opened up my heart to allow the love and patience to be shown to me.

I don't know.. maybe it's giving the man upstairs too much power and credit.. However - I beginning to believe that in actuality.. I never gave him enough.