another waw

[25yearsmlc]

Hello everybody,
I’m new here and hoping to find some answers.
Over 6 months ago I started to see some changes in my wife´s behavior .I Noticed but didn´t take any action.

why not?

Then on a Sunday I asked why she didn´t care about me anymore, she told me she didn´t love anymore and wanted a divorce .I knew that there was a problem but this blew me away .

so you were reading her mind and then she confirmed your fears? In a way can you see that you made it easier for her by doing that?

I got upset , angry and hurt. We´ve been together for 16 years married for 2.I´m 37 she´s 36 no children.

so marrying was relatively recent. Why did you get married? Were you thinking of breaking up and then when that thought got too scary - changed your mind and decided to marry instead?

I'm curious bc often when couples have been together but unmarried for some time, THEN marry, there's an odd reason for it.


From this point on my life has been hell. She kept on hurting me day after day

how?

.I lost a lot of weight since then. One day she suggested marriage counseling. Of course I said “no” right away, but it didn´t take me long to realize this might be a good thing.

why on earth would you say "No"??


So a few months ago we went and she started venting:

sometimes mc isn't that helpful if all they do is rehash the past. But you have to see it as "gathering intel" for your own personal work.

What did she SPECIFICALLY SAY bothered her? Lacking friends and ignoring her are a tad vague. How did you ignore her?


In those 16 years together I´ve ignored her on a regular basis.

meaning??

We´ve been living at my parent´s for 10 and things got ugly, but I was too blind to see. In retrospect: She was absolutely right

what have you learned about yourself in this? What are you working on changing in YOU?


Another thing she complained about, is my lack of social skills, also true. I don´t have any friends and before all this (thought), didn´t need any.

what does this mean? Are you too blunt? Rude? Nerdy? Asperger's? What's that mean? Be specific so you can do specific 180s.

Have you read the Div Remedy book? Do so asap...


On our second session we got homework : meet each other´s needs/surprise one another. I did all I could think off; she hardly made an effort. Still we took a little trip for a weekend, but most of the time she spent on her cell talking to her friends.

Our third session was a private one .I realized what I´ve done and I know especially now how important it is to have friends. However she refused to talk to me, all she could talk about was friends and work.

so what? How does that effect your efforts to get friends?


Meanwhile the hurting went on till I couldn´t take it anymore. So one day I asked her: ”Do you want me to leave, if so I´m gone by the end of the week.” I gave it a few days and got the answer: ”yes”.


you see how you made it easier on her, again, by asking for what you feared? Talk about a self fulfilling prophecy... Mistakes are not tragedies but learn from them!


The next Sunday, I packed my stuff and went to my parent´s.(no other place to go). It was a very emotional day, she left when I was gathering my things. It was too painful for her. On the moment I actually left she cried and kissed me good-bye. Since there was still one session planned, I told her I was gonna be there no matter what.

Fourth session: She showed up which was a good sign I guess. Once again private sessions. The counselor gave my wife a “deadline” to figure out if she wants to go on with me.

I hate that. It's an ultimatum...so NOT DBing...


It ´s been 5 weeks now that we´re living apart and since our next appointment is within a week I would like some advice.

It has been really difficult for me: every day I go to work I pass by our little house (that I built myself). I know I have to give her space, although it´s the last thing I want. I´ve decided to take another road just to avoid her. I still love her and am hoping for a second chance. I´ve never been abusive, I don´t drink, cheat, do drugs.

most women want more than a guy who is not an overt jerk, which are the behaviors you just listed...

I ´ve always been working (too much also part of the problem) , but also to give my wife what she needs.

so what are you working on in YOU?


I´m waiting for her to call me to give an answer. Probably this will be the last day before our (last) session. What can/should I do or say?
I want her back, hopefully it´s not too late. I don´t wanna give up without a fight. You don´t just erase 16 years…

Thank you.

GAL and do the 180s (in your case GAl IS a big 180) and read the Div Remedy book asap!

Contrast her complaints with your new behaviors...

Do NOT fuel her negative images of you.