alcoholic H decided he wants D

[25yearsmlc]

oh 25....you got me again...
after we had that exchange I knew it was a mistake...and I read your post again and realized I showed nothing but anger...my mistake!!!

the 12 steppers say "Mistakes are not tragedies...but dear God, let us learn from them!" Don't repeat the same mistake Im...


But its really hard to have some dignity when im expected to be the sweet loving wife, after catching him in that situation..


I thought you wanted to be a woman of strength and dignity and "class"?? HOW does showing your anger help YOU at all? It does Not. Period. And this DBing is about doing what helps the M, and NOT what hurts it. It's not complicated but as you are discovering, it's not easy.

Ask yourself if you want to be "right" or "happy"....THAT IS THE KEY TO THIS...if you dig deeper, you may find that being declared "right" is an unhealthy need of yours...if it costs you happiness.



.appparently that is what i need to work on because you are rignt..i was not supportive and I was spitefull through out his recovery.

so how are YOU Behaving differently now?


I filed papers because from past experience..i dont think he has what it would take to get us over what he has done.

so you beat him to the punch? you won't give him the chance to fail OR succeed? Hmmm...how's that look to you when you see it in writing?


letting me beat myself up for months only to find out that there is OW is the thing that is the hardest for me to get over.

"beat" yourself up? When? When he said he wanted out and you thought maybe YOU were partly responsible? Well OW does not change that.

You put your ego into your "analysis" and THAT is why you are stuck on the anger. You knew YOU had not been kind to him the whole recovery process and now you want to say HE is at fault

b/c someone in his vicinity was kind to him when he was at his most vulnerable...and you were still punishing him...(and you still are...)

It's easy to blame it all on the affair, but it sounds like it was very brief AND

deep down you know you played a role in it.

But to me it seems YOU are having a harder time owning your part in this than before...why?

Oh, b/c your ego is hurting...Egos can be healthy things, but when your pride is hurt AND then THAT WOUNDED PRIDE makes your choices for you, you won't end up in a happy place I fear...


Now, hes a liar...something ive never accused him of ever in the 20 yrs ive known him, and at my and his S expence

you mean he had the affair and didn't tell you? That's the "liar" issue, right? And you never accused him of that all the years he was drinking? ok-I don't want to quibble.

maybe it was a mistake...but i feel like i didnt have a choice.

were there legit financial issues to filing? Why not file for a sep to protect your assets? (which it achieves in this state, as I did this myself)


the marriage we had is over, regardless of how i feel. I dont know if we can reconcile...i really didnt think it was an option and this new "tone" prob wont last long, with me anyway...

....um, self fulfilling prophecy? As much as I said it's easy for HIM to start fresh with someone new, the same applies to you, too...easy to say "He was a drunk and cheated" and skip along your way never really owning your role in it or seeing how unhealthy the dynamic was for and by BOTH of you.

But if you don't stare into your own soul on this, BRAVELY,

you'll miss the greatest chance for real change in yourself, that life has ever offered you.


I am encouraging the new interest in our S but dont know what his intentions are with me.

your behavior can influence that. The less forgiving you are, the more you seal the fate.

If he believes you'll hold this over his head like the sword of Damacles the rest of his life
OR
that you'll throw it in his face every time you two fight, I can see that the healthy choice for HIM would be to stay apart...

can you see that?

...I obviousely have some thinking and soul searching to do on this and will!!!
He wont be served at work..i made sure that he will be served at the house after work hours.
And I know I still have a long way to go in my work...maybe i filed because i need him to come after us. To realize what he could lose?

maybe...or maybe to punish him/teach him a lesson/show him the consequences--all the same...or maybe all...I'm not a mind reader. You'll have to do the soul searching you mention, to really know.

I can tell you that when you act out of real love and self respect, and not false pride/anger you'll end up in a better place. MANY people confuse the two...


I dont know...i just know that after 18 yrs I dont deserve to be treated the way he has treated me and I need to feel like I have some self respect left.


I get that. Your pride as a woman is wounded....But don't gloss over what you put him through the past 18 months. You seem to believe that all that time is nothing, compared to his brief fling -

which you feel is MUCH worse than 18 months of you rejecting him & being spiteful, when he was trying harder than he ever tried before to get sober AND

face the damage he'd done...you kind of kicked him when he was down. But now that he had the fling, you seem to feel justified in behavior of yours that preceeded the affair! Interesting...

and I know you are so hurt and that you think that you are "Right"...but do you see how HE might feel differently, and not be "wrong"?

lots to think about right now.....
he is still asking for one of our beds...and ive told him to go buy a new one, that we havent shared. The thought of giving him a bed to have a relationship in with his "friend" is to much for me. Really?? after what he has done I have to be the bigger person and give him a BED??!! so I dont look like the spitefull wife???

um, YES YOU DO...IF you want to look like a changed woman of strength and dignity and
NOT an angry woman given to petty outbursts and cheap shots...what happened to the "Classy" approach? Man, that sure changed fast.

So Give him a bed that was not your marital bed...sheesh. This is a no brainer to me...let HIM have memories of other times percolate in his mind when he's with OW, whom we are NOT sure he's even still with...in short, PICK YOUR BATTLES...


that is just to much ......if I knew they really were over I would have no problem giving him a bed...but giving him one to use with her just seems WAY to crazy to me....

well, I guess he will go spend money (from joint marital assets) on a nice new bed then...gee, you sure showed him.

Sigh...