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25, that was the most stunningly eye opening thing i have read...
thank you!..im printing it out and carrying it with me in my purse.
He is in complete denial of any wrong doing. from now on its about my kids and myself..
I know i will be ok, i am a strong person, and i want to show my son that you can handle things thrown at you in life with integrity and come out a better person.
that will be my objective in this next chapter because i AM starting papers today and i AM going to protect myself and my son and i will do it with class...


Me:48 H:42
M: 18 yrs.
S: 9/1/09 due to alcoholic H
D bomb: 9/9/11
OW confirmed 10/30/11
D papers filed 11/01/11
S15 S21(Special needs) S28

Look to yourself, It is there that all your answers are found...
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25, you continue to amaze me with your clarity in situation after situation. Have you ever thought about dropping the L gig and becoming a C? LOL It doesn't pay as well but you would be so super good at it!

ITM, you have a long journey ahead of you, but with your eyes opened to the reality of the situation you now have a direction.

Head high, shoulders back, one foot in front of the other.

You're going to be just FINE!


T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43
bomb12/4/07
PA5/07
S12/26/07
D final 11/17/08
Back together with no defined R 05/2010
confused....to say the least!!!

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Hey IM,
I've been reading your thread but never have posted on it. I've been wanting to reach out but was afraid of projecting my own sitch.

Until 25's post this morning. It was exactly what I've been wanting to say to you!

My W is an alcoholic and a food addict. She went sober on her own but joined OA in July of 2010. My sig is below but basically she does not talk to me anymore. All of what 25 said above rang true to my sitch. My w wanted to start over, didn't want to deal with me. She's been in program for over 16 months. I got a few apologies right before we separated.. but never once since then.

So...I get it!!

I think the hardest part for me to swallow is this idea that my w left our marriage to become a better person. That I was not worth the effort to change our dynamic or repair the damage that she has caused.

I try not to dwell on those thoughts but try to think of the good ones. To remember that although I am missing out on some positives.. I am also missing out on the negatives and when a marriage leans more to the negative.. that is NOT a bad thing!

My thoughts are NOT from a "ha ha" mentality rather than a thankful one. I am so much more happier that I don't have to take that form of abuse anymore. I am worth so much more now that I don't want to put myself in that kind of situation EVER again.

This allows you to take your focus from being angry at him to being happy with you. When the anger subsides enough, your heart will be open to forgive.

I pray to God all the time to help me forgive my wife. She is not worth the destruction of my soul. It's a work in progress.

Reading Co-Dependent No More is a great idea. Us spouses of addicts are usually CoDe and we confuse love with enabling and caretaking.

When my wife said she couldn't change our dynamic.. I said well I can and I picked up that book. It's literally been the hardest thing I have ever done. I feel like I fail all the time.. but slowly I am starting to see progress.

It started small with little things.. baby steps that have helped me to get to where I am now. Do I still struggle with enabling and caretaking - absolutely.. but I'm getting better.

You will too! Dig deep in yourself and figure out the woman you want to be NOW. In this moment. Because regardless on if D is final or you would reconcile.. work still needs to be done on you. You can fix in yourself. You can heal the woman that your m wounded so deeply.

You are strong enough and you are worth it!!

Believe it to be true and the truth will radiate so brightly.. the world won't help but notice!

(((( ))))


M(f): 40
D'ed: 8/12

Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.

Love at all costs because you are loved well.
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Thank you everyone for your input and advice...I dont know what I would be doing if it werent for this forum. It has helped just to have a place to come and vent!
There has been an interesting turn of events in the last 24 hrs..
It seems like he is actually haveing some kind of remorse????
He started texting me yesterday again but had a totally different tone....still asking about a bed??? but like I said..the cocky indignent tone was gone. I never replied and he ended up showing up later to take our S14 to play some catch and get some dinner. A first lately since he hasnt seemed to have the time for him the last few months. The smile on his face when he came home was priceless!!!
This was after a friend of mine told me he posted on his fb page "A wise man once told me Dont (blank) were you eat"...I had no idea what this meant, she said its something about dont sleep with your co workier or along those lines..he does not work with any women so Im thinking we were correct in thinking it was a fellow AA memer that I caught him with.
Then this morning I got a good morning text,and tell S14 I love him....hadnt gotten one of those in MONTHS....I didnt reply till late and then only to let him know that S broke his retainer and I was gonna need a little help this month to take care of that. He replied with "ill see what I can do, I have to by a bed..."
WOW again with the bed...I tried but couldnt pass it up...i told him in a very hostile way that our son was my first priority not were him and his "girlfriend" were ummmmmm sleeping. but i used more colorfull language...
I know, not my best moment but Ive been so good...I lost it for a sencod ...he replied with "I was thinking along the lines of were Im going to sleep" and I left it at that. then he posted on sons fb wall that they were going to be spending alot more time together from now on, which makes me very happy. my son has been missing him terribly!!
anyway...all this "reaching out" has me wondering if he got dumped????? maybe she didnt know he was married? I dont know but the tone in his contacts now have definatly changed...there is no more attitude and I cant think what could have happened but Im continueing on my path..
papers were signed last night and he should be served by friday.. it was the hardest think ive ever done but I know it is the right thing. When I saw our date of marriage and seperation in black and white and had to sing...I just started sobbing. the lawyer asked if I was sure and I said YES!!
I still have hope, but its going to take alot of work to fix what he has done and I just dont know if he has it in him ....so I am feeling stronger then I have felt in years. No more questioning myself....it is what it is for now.


Me:48 H:42
M: 18 yrs.
S: 9/1/09 due to alcoholic H
D bomb: 9/9/11
OW confirmed 10/30/11
D papers filed 11/01/11
S15 S21(Special needs) S28

Look to yourself, It is there that all your answers are found...
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Hi, itm, it's great he told your S on fb he is going to spend more time with him, hopefully he will stick to his word.
Maybe re the other, he doesn't know just what to make of you now. You are stronger. A lot stronger; enough to know if there is a R, it will be after a whole lot of work. And you may be right, ow may have dumped him after what happened the other day.

And I don't blame you for getting a dig in about the bed, sometimes it's so hard to resist you almost have to bite your tongue off to keep from it. Plus, doesn't he have a couch? And, like you said, you have been good.

I know you are still hurting, even though you did what you had to do, and I will be thinking of you on Friday when your H gets served.

vc

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Thanks Vc..
Im putting up a strong front..but i have my moments at night when my imagination wont stop..and you go over every detail and wonder about every ridiculouse the imaginable....
It makes me sick he could do that..i NEVER considered for a second he would do that.
I wish i could get it out of my head!!!
But man have i grown...the old me would be absolutly FLIPPING OUT!! Thinking of every spitefull thing i could do or say..with a few exceptions there has been no contact other then about our S...
I hope he is sitting and crying lkke i did for months...but i doubt it..


Me:48 H:42
M: 18 yrs.
S: 9/1/09 due to alcoholic H
D bomb: 9/9/11
OW confirmed 10/30/11
D papers filed 11/01/11
S15 S21(Special needs) S28

Look to yourself, It is there that all your answers are found...
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Posts: 343
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Valeska..
I appreciate the support..your post got me through a rough patch today..thank you..


Me:48 H:42
M: 18 yrs.
S: 9/1/09 due to alcoholic H
D bomb: 9/9/11
OW confirmed 10/30/11
D papers filed 11/01/11
S15 S21(Special needs) S28

Look to yourself, It is there that all your answers are found...
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
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Originally Posted By: imthemom
Thank you everyone for your input and advice...I dont know what I would be doing if it werent for this forum. It has helped just to have a place to come and vent!
There has been an interesting turn of events in the last 24 hrs..
It seems like he is actually haveing some kind of remorse????
He started texting me yesterday again but had a totally different tone....still asking about a bed??? but like I said..the cocky indignent tone was gone. I never replied and he ended up showing up later to take our S14 to play some catch and get some dinner. A first lately since he hasnt seemed to have the time for him the last few months. The smile on his face when he came home was priceless!!!

this is called PROGRESS and it's a good good thing. Enjoy these moments and signs...you might have a 2 steps forward and one back, but count these good ones!



This was after a friend of mine told me he posted on his fb page "A wise man once told me Dont (blank) were you eat"...I had no idea what this meant, she said its something about dont sleep with your co workier or along those lines..he does not work with any women so Im thinking we were correct in thinking it was a fellow AA memer that I caught him with.
Then this morning I got a good morning text,and tell S14 I love him....hadnt gotten one of those in MONTHS....

another positive...



I didnt reply till late and then only to let him know that S broke his retainer and I was gonna need a little help this month to take care of that.

any reason you could not say "thanks, good morning to you too, and I'll pass it on to s"??


He replied with "ill see what I can do, I have to by a bed..."
WOW again with the bed...I tried but couldnt pass it up...i told him in a very hostile way that our son was my first priority not were him and his "girlfriend" were ummmmmm sleeping. but i used more colorfull language...

remember how you said you were printing out my LONG post? I hope I hit the "lose the anger" button often enough, and that it didnt' get lost in the length...



I know, not my best moment but Ive been so good...I lost it for a sencod ...he replied with "I was thinking along the lines of were Im going to sleep" and I left it at that. then he posted on sons fb wall that they were going to be spending alot more time together from now on, which makes me very happy. my son has been missing him terribly!!
anyway...all this "reaching out" has me wondering if he got dumped?????

Maybe....but why view it in the worst possible light? How does that help you?

Why not at least entertain the idea that he has remorse and regret and that you are at least theoretically appealing to him as a w?


maybe she didnt know he was married? I dont know but the tone in his contacts now have definatly changed...there is no more attitude and I cant think what could have happened but Im continueing on my path..

really? You cannot think of a reason for it? Seriously? DIG DEEPER...


papers were signed last night and he should be served by friday.. it was the hardest think ive ever done but I know it is the right thing.

What did you file for, a sep or a divorce? What finally triggered it? What is your goal?

Please think those questions out...

Are you warning him or will he be served at work? I highly recommend you let him know in advance-- to spare him public humiliation there, which will NOT help his career...or your finances since you are both joined for now...

When I saw our date of marriage and seperation in black and white and had to sing...I just started sobbing. the lawyer asked if I was sure and I said YES!!


I still have hope, but its going to take alot of work to fix what he has done

what can YOU do to fix the things in YOU that concerned you earlier? Til this brief affair occurred, you were perfectly willing to do...what?

You said you had been punitive during his recovery period. You seemed to regret that.

So now I'm wondering if you think that HE has to stay sober, do his program AND grovel for forgiveness for the A,

ALL after 18 months of him reaching out to you only to be rejected...

(that does NOT sound very appealing...)

and while you hope HE will do all these things.... YOU will do...what?

Why would HE think HE can remain sober?

Why would HE believe that the marriage can be a happier or better or different one,

if the only changes being demanded are all of him?


Do you see how this does not sound designed for success?


and I just dont know if he has it in him ....so I am feeling stronger then I have felt in years. No more questioning myself....it is what it is for now.



so back to YOU...what are your 180s?

What are your GALs? They're not gimmicks, they are mandatory.

180s and GALs --must be done or you'll obsess/focus only on HIM and backslide...and

GAL and 180s make life a lot nicer too.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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oh 25....you got me again...
after we had that exchange I knew it was a mistake...and I read your post again and realized I showed nothing but anger...my mistake!!!
But its really hard to have some dignity when im expected to be the sweet loving wife, after catching him in that situation...appparently that is what i need to work on because you are rignt..i was not supportive and I was spitefull through out his recovery. I filed papers because from past experience..i dont think he has what it would take to get us over what he has done. letting me beat myself up for months only to find out that there is OW is the thing that is the hardest for me to get over. Now, hes a liar...something ive never accused him of ever in the 20 yrs ive known him, and at my and his S expence.
maybe it was a mistake...but i feel like i didnt have a choice. the marriage we had is over, regardless of how i feel. I dont know if we can reconcile...i really didnt think it was an option and this new "tone" prob wont last long, with me anyway...I am encouraging the new interest in our S but dont know what his intentions are with me....I obviousely have some thinking and soul searching to do on this and will!!!
He wont be served at work..i made sure that he will be served at the house after work hours.
And I know I still have a long way to go in my work...maybe i filed because i need him to come after us. To realize what he could lose? I dont know...i just know that after 18 yrs I dont deserve to be treated the way he has treated me and I need to feel like I have some self respect left.
lots to think about right now.....
he is still asking for one of our beds...and ive told him to go buy a new one, that we havent shared. The thought of giving him a bed to have a relationship in with his "friend" is to much for me. Really?? after what he has done I have to be the bigger person and give him a BED??!! so I dont look like the spitefull wife??? that is just to much ......if I knew they really were over I would have no problem giving him a bed...but giving him one to use with her just seems WAY to crazy to me....


Me:48 H:42
M: 18 yrs.
S: 9/1/09 due to alcoholic H
D bomb: 9/9/11
OW confirmed 10/30/11
D papers filed 11/01/11
S15 S21(Special needs) S28

Look to yourself, It is there that all your answers are found...
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
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Originally Posted By: imthemom
oh 25....you got me again...
after we had that exchange I knew it was a mistake...and I read your post again and realized I showed nothing but anger...my mistake!!!

the 12 steppers say "Mistakes are not tragedies...but dear God, let us learn from them!" Don't repeat the same mistake Im...



But its really hard to have some dignity when im expected to be the sweet loving wife, after catching him in that situation..


I thought you wanted to be a woman of strength and dignity and "class"?? HOW does showing your anger help YOU at all? It does Not. Period. And this DBing is about doing what helps the M, and NOT what hurts it. It's not complicated but as you are discovering, it's not easy.

Ask yourself if you want to be "right" or "happy"....THAT IS THE KEY TO THIS...if you dig deeper, you may find that being declared "right" is an unhealthy need of yours...if it costs you happiness.



.appparently that is what i need to work on because you are rignt..i was not supportive and I was spitefull through out his recovery.

so how are YOU Behaving differently now?



I filed papers because from past experience..i dont think he has what it would take to get us over what he has done.

so you beat him to the punch? you won't give him the chance to fail OR succeed? Hmmm...how's that look to you when you see it in writing?


letting me beat myself up for months only to find out that there is OW is the thing that is the hardest for me to get over.


"beat" yourself up? When? When he said he wanted out and you thought maybe YOU were partly responsible? Well OW does not change that.

You put your ego into your "analysis" and THAT is why you are stuck on the anger. You knew YOU had not been kind to him the whole recovery process and now you want to say HE is at fault

b/c someone in his vicinity was kind to him when he was at his most vulnerable...and you were still punishing him...(and you still are...)

It's easy to blame it all on the affair, but it sounds like it was very brief AND

deep down you know you played a role in it.

But to me it seems YOU are having a harder time owning your part in this than before...why?

Oh, b/c your ego is hurting...Egos can be healthy things, but when your pride is hurt AND then THAT WOUNDED PRIDE makes your choices for you, you won't end up in a happy place I fear...


Now, hes a liar...something ive never accused him of ever in the 20 yrs ive known him, and at my and his S expence

you mean he had the affair and didn't tell you? That's the "liar" issue, right? And you never accused him of that all the years he was drinking? ok-I don't want to quibble.


maybe it was a mistake...but i feel like i didnt have a choice.

were there legit financial issues to filing? Why not file for a sep to protect your assets? (which it achieves in this state, as I did this myself)


the marriage we had is over, regardless of how i feel. I dont know if we can reconcile...i really didnt think it was an option and this new "tone" prob wont last long, with me anyway...

....um, self fulfilling prophecy? As much as I said it's easy for HIM to start fresh with someone new, the same applies to you, too...easy to say "He was a drunk and cheated" and skip along your way never really owning your role in it or seeing how unhealthy the dynamic was for and by BOTH of you.

But if you don't stare into your own soul on this, BRAVELY,

you'll miss the greatest chance for real change in yourself, that life has ever offered you.



I am encouraging the new interest in our S but dont know what his intentions are with me.

your behavior can influence that. The less forgiving you are, the more you seal the fate.

If he believes you'll hold this over his head like the sword of Damacles the rest of his life
OR
that you'll throw it in his face every time you two fight, I can see that the healthy choice for HIM would be to stay apart...

can you see that?


...I obviousely have some thinking and soul searching to do on this and will!!!
He wont be served at work..i made sure that he will be served at the house after work hours.
And I know I still have a long way to go in my work...maybe i filed because i need him to come after us. To realize what he could lose?

maybe...or maybe to punish him/teach him a lesson/show him the consequences--all the same...or maybe all...I'm not a mind reader. You'll have to do the soul searching you mention, to really know.

I can tell you that when you act out of real love and self respect, and not false pride/anger you'll end up in a better place. MANY people confuse the two...



I dont know...i just know that after 18 yrs I dont deserve to be treated the way he has treated me and I need to feel like I have some self respect left.


I get that. Your pride as a woman is wounded....But don't gloss over what you put him through the past 18 months. You seem to believe that all that time is nothing, compared to his brief fling -

which you feel is MUCH worse than 18 months of you rejecting him & being spiteful, when he was trying harder than he ever tried before to get sober AND

face the damage he'd done...you kind of kicked him when he was down. But now that he had the fling, you seem to feel justified in behavior of yours that preceeded the affair! Interesting...

and I know you are so hurt and that you think that you are "Right"...but do you see how HE might feel differently, and not be "wrong"?

lots to think about right now.....
he is still asking for one of our beds...and ive told him to go buy a new one, that we havent shared. The thought of giving him a bed to have a relationship in with his "friend" is to much for me. Really?? after what he has done I have to be the bigger person and give him a BED??!! so I dont look like the spitefull wife???

um, YES YOU DO...IF you want to look like a changed woman of strength and dignity and
NOT an angry woman given to petty outbursts and cheap shots...what happened to the "Classy" approach? Man, that sure changed fast.

So Give him a bed that was not your marital bed...sheesh. This is a no brainer to me...let HIM have memories of other times percolate in his mind when he's with OW, whom we are NOT sure he's even still with...in short, PICK YOUR BATTLES...



that is just to much ......if I knew they really were over I would have no problem giving him a bed...but giving him one to use with her just seems WAY to crazy to me....


well, I guess he will go spend money (from joint marital assets) on a nice new bed then...gee, you sure showed him.

Sigh...


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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